The Norseman

This is quite possibly, the worst film I have ever seen in my entire life. I know I throw that statement around a lot, but this is the tops – worse than my usual triumverate of ‘worst’ films, The Flintstones, Prince of Darkness and Showgirls. Lee Majors is Thorvald, prince of the vikings. He is […]

Shanghai Noon

Better than Mission: Impossible 2. Yes – for once I am agreeing with critics… There was a lot of ass-kicking action – though it was all rather tame, but unlike John Woo – it is okay for Jackie Chan to make a PG-13 film. Expected even. The film should have been subtitled Dignan’s Next Score. […]

Mission: Impossible 2

It was okay, I guess. No boobies, no blood. First off, it is a major James Bond rip-off. But all spy movies seem like James Bond rip-offs, since the James Bond movies are the ultimate in the genre. But this really seemed like one. And I do not know how intentional it was – a […]

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I was the last person on earth to see this film, but I finally did. Early, early – one Thursday morning in November, I awoke to watch it. The Blockbuster Fairy did good this time. I am quick to understand the most bizarre of Limey accents, but this film was one step away from Riff […]

Payback

I hate you, Sean. Why do I hate you? Because you gave away the ending to Payback on my message board about six months ago. I didn’t think I would ever see it, so I didn’t care. For some reason, I ended up watching it last night and so now I hate you. I hope […]

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace

Jar Jar Binks must die! In the immortal words of Dante (Clerks, not the Inferno) “Jedi was nothing but a bunch of muppets…” And the same could be said about The Phantom Menace. Given, they are CG muppets, but a muppet is still a muppet. Not that I did not love Episode One, because I […]

The Mummy

Gurrr-owlll! And I bet you think I’m talking about Brendan Fraser…nope, he is a total dork. I am talking about the mummy. The Mummy was yummy. What is it about bald men? He was just too hot. I would have let him have my body any day. A close second was the main protector guy. […]

Twin Dragons

Cheech and Chong did it better. Another rehash of the Corsican Brothers, Twin Dragons has Jackie Chan playing twins separated at birth. The one who stays with the biological parents becomes a famous concert pianist and conductor, while the lost twin is raised by the alcoholic partygirl who found him. They meet when the conductor […]

The Matrix

This film is so green. And as Kermit would say, it ain’t easy being green. When I say this film is green, I literally mean that the color green permeates the film. Not only is green the dominant color of the sets and background, but even the lighting in many scenes is green. The Matrix […]

The Big Hit

Fucking Cheesy! I cannot believe he went back for the videotape! Marky Mark is the biggest schmo boy in the entire world. He is pussywipped by two girls, his coworkers make him do all the killing, then skank his money and on top of that, he gets harassing phone calls from some pimply video store […]