Piranha (2010)

If I had actually watched Piranha in 3D, I would have been traumatized for life. It’s not like I’m a pussy or something…as far as movies go, I am the complete opposite of a pussy. (Wait – is the opposite of a pussy…a dick? Am I a movie dick???) Anyway,Piranha makes Saw look like Romper […]

The Midnight Meat Train

I DVRed this film based on the title alone. I figured that since it wasn’t on Skinemax – it wasn’t soft core porn, but since it was on SyFy, I was risking missing some gore. I shouldn’t have worried…there was a considerable amount of gore left in the film. The Midnight Meat Train is the […]

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives

I DVRed this film based on the title alone. Be warned…it could really confuse the other people in your house when they’re scrolling through the DVR, looking for their episode of The Young & The Restless… There’s no false advertising in the title – the film really is about trannies with knives…and they’re really fucking […]

One-Eyed Monster

I never thought I would see the day where I was reviewing a film starring Ron Jeremy’s penis.* One-Eyed Monster is about exactly what you THINK it’s about – a killer penis. It’s not just any penis; it’s about one of THE most famous penises of all – Ron Jeremy’s penis. Ron stars as himself, […]

The Serpent and the Rainbow

For the longest time, I thought this film was about vampires. For years, the poster for The Serpent and the Rainbow hung in the window at Showtime Video and creeped the bejesus out of me. (This is Waller we’re talking about – the posters only got changed when they were stolen or someone peed on […]

Grindhouse

It took almost a year, but I finally got around to watching the other half of Grindhouse…Death Proof. I’d watched Planet Terror almost a year ago, during my maternity leave movie marathon, but I had never gotten around to Death Proof until now. I’ll start off with Planet Terror. Rose McGowan stars as Cherry Darling, […]

Snakes on a Plane

Just because there’s internet buzz, it doesn’t mean people will actually pay money to see your shitty movie. Hasn’t Hollywood learned that internet memes are not profitable? Do they think that Chocolate Rain guy is rolling in dough? This movie was full of enough bullshit to fill 3 or 4 very special episodes of MythBusters. […]

Hard Candy

Ellen Page didn’t get nominated for Hard Candy? If she’s half as good in Juno as she was in Hard Candy, I can see what everyone was so excited about. The story is very basic – Hayley goes to a coffee shop to meet a man she has been chatting with online. He’s a professional […]

Jackass Number Two

Divine is no longer the filthiest person alive – that honor now belongs to Partyboy. I won’t ruin the surprise, but in a movie in which someone also eats cow shit, there are few things that could be grosser to ingest. Ironically, the ingestion of this substance is the one sequence in either Jackass movie […]

2001 Maniacs

The South shall rise again. Preferably with a taste for human flesh. Robert Englund stars in this remake of Two Thousand Maniacs! – H. G. Lewis’ classic tale of Confederate Cannibalism. The story is essentially the same – Brigadoon plus Blood Feast. Eight Northerners get lost on their way to Spring Break and opt to […]