Clash of the Titans (2010)

I was nervous as the film started to play…am I about to see a gritty, exciting update to one of my favorite childhood films? Or is my childhood about to be shit all over? Ultimately, the answer wasn’t clear. There were things I loved AND things I hated about the remake. What did I LOVE […]

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

Few things give me nightmares these days, but hearing Alvin the chipmunk tell someone that he’s going to eat their liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti sent chills down my spine. He even did that slurpy, tongue flicking thing. This can only mean one of two things. Either Alvin is a serial […]

The Incredible Hulk

How horrible must a film be to require a complete franchise reboot five years later? The answer is Ang Lee’s attempt to make an arthouse film out of Hulk in 2003. (I’ll also accept repeated attempts at The Punisher in 1989, 2004 and 2008.) Eric Bana is butt ugly and his ears bother the shit […]

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang. That is the exact point that I stopped being okay with this film – the remake of my favorite Chipmunk song ever. Do juvenile chipmunks *really* need skanky back-up dancers? I thought that was what The Chipettes were for? Coincidentally, The Chipettes will be […]

Hairspray (2007)

Overheard somewhere in Hollywood… “Hey Eddie, it’s me, Johnny T…remember when you said I could borrow your fat black lady suit? Well, my career is in a total slump, so I figure I could…what? You’re letting Martin Lawrence use if for Big Momma’s House 3? Awww, fuck – looks like I’ll have to figure out […]

Underdog

They CGI-ed out Underdog’s penis! I even paused it – they just totally erased the dog’s wiener in any scene in which he is flying upright. I understand how a floppy dog dick might be distracting to young children – but it’s still a little fucked up, isn’t it? It’s so ironic – don’t superheroes […]

The Dukes of Hazzard

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t recall the Duke Boys getting chased around Hazzard County with shotguns after one of them got caught pants down with a teenage girl. Was that a part of the original TV show that I missed? My memory’s kind of fuzzy…was Boss Hogg after them for a statutory […]

Dawn of the Dead

I know I’ve seen the original, but hell if I can remember much about it. Before I watched Dawn of the Dead, I assumed it was yet another one of the uninspired horror remakes that we’ve been subjected to in the last several years. I was dead wrong, this was not just another Texas Chainsaw […]

I Spy

Owen Wilson is the KING of the buddy movie. It doesn’t really matter who his buddy is and although Ben Stiller is definitely best – anyone will do. Owen Wilson can be ANYONE’s buddy. He IS the buddy. As much as I love the Butterscotch Stallion, his shtick is wearing thin. I know it comes […]

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I never saw Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory as a child. I was a 19 year old college student – and it definitely fucked with my head. (There’s a time and place for everything, children. It’s called college.) Consequently, I’m missing all those warm and fuzzy feelings that made so many die hard fans […]