Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now…Kolossus. Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it’s made out of meat? It’s like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon […]

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Maybe I’m too snobby, but I wasn’t able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson’s fingernails are clearly bare…but in closeups of “her hands” operating the controls – the nails are black. Disgusting! The Mega Shark is identified as an […]

Sharknado 2 : The Second One

I watched Sharknado 2 several weeks ago and as excited as I was to sit down and watch it – after watching it, it was hard to muster enough excitement to write about it. All of the joy has been sucked out of writing about crappy SyFy movies now that they have become a mainstream […]

Shark Assault

Shark Assault (AKA Shark Week) is a rip-off of Saw, except all the “games” include sharks. Patrick Bergin (best known for stalking Julia Roberts) is Mr. Tiburon (shark en espanol), a crazy old coot bent on avenging his son’s death. He kidnaps those he feels contributed to his son’s death and forces them into bizarre […]

Ghost Shark

When a Ghost Shark eats you, where do you go? I don’t mean metaphysically, as in what happens when you die. I mean literally – where do the parts of you that the Ghost Shark swallowed go? Are they instantaneously dissolved by Ghost Shark’s ectoplasm? Or are they digested more slowly, like a regular shark […]

Sharknado

So now the rest of the planet knows what Joel McHale and I have known all along…SyFy movies are the shit! Oops, that was a typo – I meant to say, “are shit!” Yes, social media was buzzing in the weeks leading up to the premier of SyFy‘s latest entry in the improbable animal/natural disaster […]

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Who hasn’t fantasized about the entire cast of The Jersey Shore being eaten by sharks? I know I have. I have never seen a single episode of The Jersey Shore – I watch the Soup, so I get the highlights. Except for the Kardashians, I can’t think of a more deserving group of douchebags to […]

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

I was disappointed that not a single character uttered the immortal line, “Did I do that?” How could they hire Steve Urkel without acknowledging his status as the 3rd greatest nerd ever? (In case you’re wondering, Lewis Skolnick and Farmer Ted are 1st and 2nd.) I can’t argue with The Asylum’s formula, washed-up stars from […]

Sharktopus fucking tried to eat me!

Sharktopus

Sharktopus is not picky. Sharktopus will eat sharks, old boat painters, bungee jumpers, surfer dudes, Volkswagens…Sharktopus is nasty! Sharktopus just doesn’t give a fuck. Sharktopus escapes from a Navy funded super-secret genetic lab in Long Beach. Sharktopus wants a fucking vacation, so Sharktopus heads to Puerto Vallarta. Crazy, nasty ass Sharktopus wants some Mexican food. […]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Before I even started typing, I knew this would be one of my shortest reveiws ever. I like Uma Thurman and all, but this is an utterly generic, utterly forgettable role for her. It could have been played by any of the usual suspects – Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman. Uma didn’t bring anything […]