Avengers: Age of Ultron

So we started to watch Agents of SHIELD the other night and it took about 30 seconds to realize, “FUCK, this is happening after the movie.” So we stopped the DVR and watched Gotham instead… SO MANY PREVIEWS. Although there wasn’t a preview for Pitch Perfect 2, we were treated to a lady razor commercial […]

The Wolverine

Why was he in the fucking hole? The movie never fucking explained why he was in the fucking hole at Nagasaki. What the fucking fuck? Sorry for all the fucks, but stuff like that really bothers me. Of course, I could think of nothing else during the whole film, waiting for it to come up […]

The Avengers

Finally! I finally got to see The Avengers. It wasn’t how I wanted to see it – in 3D, but that hardly matters. Even under less than ideal circumstances – watching it on a six inch screen, while sitting on an airplane next to a sugared up four year old, ultimately taking 5 hours to […]

Thor

If I had been a boy, my parents would have named me Thor. True story. I once dressed as Thor for Halloween. Sexy Thor. 1995. Last year, I dressed as Flavor Flav, but I had to buy a new Viking hat, because my old one was hidden in my hoarder piles of shit. True story. […]

Iron Man 2

Why does Iron Man have his own cheerleaders?!? If he’s the Hugh Hefner of Superheroes, shouldn’t he have strippers? I was SO excited that they replaced Terence Howard with Don Cheadle, but when it came down to it, I don’t know if Don Cheadle was right for the role either. I can’t think of someone […]

X-Men: First Class

Forget Wolverine, I totally have a crush on Magneto now. Michael Fassbender hasn’t even been on my radar until now. My movie watching has been sporadic at best – I haven’t seen 300, or even Inglorious Basterds, although I’ve had both in my DVR at times. (I lost 300 when we moved a few years […]

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I’m back, bitches…did you miss me? It’s not that I’ve been procrastinating…I really haven’t seen any new movies in the past 3 months…none, nada, zip. My DVR is chock full, but I’ve been watching TV lately…lame excuse, I know… Hugh Jackman, I totally forgive you for Van Helsing and Viva Laughlin. Come give Knobby a […]

Batman

“Mommy, they sure do spend a lot of time together…” Four years old son’s gaydar is already strong – I’m so proud! It only took about 15 minutes to come to the conclusion that something isn’t right about those two…and these are the ones without nipples on their costumes. Regardless of their sexual orientation, my […]

The Incredible Hulk

How horrible must a film be to require a complete franchise reboot five years later? The answer is Ang Lee’s attempt to make an arthouse film out of Hulk in 2003. (I’ll also accept repeated attempts at The Punisher in 1989, 2004 and 2008.) Eric Bana is butt ugly and his ears bother the shit […]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Before I even started typing, I knew this would be one of my shortest reveiws ever. I like Uma Thurman and all, but this is an utterly generic, utterly forgettable role for her. It could have been played by any of the usual suspects – Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman. Uma didn’t bring anything […]