Old Dracula

You know, they just don’t make movies like this anymore. That’s probably because the NAACP would have the production shut down within about five minutes. Also known as “Vampira,” Old Dracula follows, well, an old ass Dracula as he tries to revive his Vampire Bride, Vampira (points for originality, huh?) from a bad case of […]

Nadja

This movie was retarded and boring. And Pretentious – don’t forget pretentious. In the past, I’d claimed that David Lynch had never led me astray. I’ll never be making *that* statement again. As Executive Producer (and cameo star) of this movie, you’d think that he would have known better…but nope, I was forced to sit […]

Van Helsing

Stephen Sommers should be stopped before he strikes again. Why? I’ll tell you why. My husband and I were eating dinner before the movie and jokingly, I said that if there were pygmy vampires like the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns, I would scream right there in the theater. Well, I didn’t scream – […]

From Dusk Till Dawn

Quentin Tarantino + Robert Rodriguez = A bloodbath.Quentin Tarantino + Robert Rodriguez + Vampires = A BIG fucking bloodbath. Cliches, cliches and more cliches – when it comes to vampire movies, that’s what I like. I don’t want my vampires walking around in the daytime. But what I appreciate more than cliches, is when a […]

Underworld

Blade + The Matrix + An American Werewolf in London – originality = Underworld. As a general rule, I usually like vampire movies. I’m not picky – they don’t even have to be an original take on the whole vampire mythos – I’ll still usually give them a passing grade. Unless they’re boring as hell […]

The Midnight Hour

I rarely review TV movies – in fact, this is my first – but as this was one of the formative films of my childhood, I thought I’d break the rules a little bit. Halloween 1985. I was in 4th grade at Holleman Elementary. All my friends had seen the movie and it was a […]

Blade II

Whistler is alive! Actually, I was surprised at how well bringing him back worked. Of course, I knew from all the commercials that he was back – and that alone gave me misgivings about the film – I hate it when filmmakers just ignore it when people die! But making him a vampire prisoner was […]

The Queen of the Damned

Anyone remember taking the SAT and those stupid analogies? Try this one – Brandon Lee: The Crow = Aaliyah: ? Aaliyah, pop music’s latest addition to the Air Crash Museum, resurrects this film destined to be Straight-to-Video to a Theater-near-You. A risky career move, but hey, it’s worked for so many pop stars… Seriously though, […]

The Wisdom of Crocodiles

Before he was an Enemy at the Gates or hung out with in Italy with Matt Damon, Jude Law was just a vampire. A strange sexy vampire. This is the most understated vampire film that I have ever seen. Jude Law’s Steven Grlscz isn’t you’re average Euro Fag vampire. No, he’s a vampire with a […]

Sucker: The Vampire

When I was in 11th grade, I was in a class, either World History or Sociology – I don’t remember which, that required me to turn in Current Events, which amounted to finding a newspaper article and writing a page on it, including who, what, when, where, why – that kind of busy work bullshit. […]