Ant-Man

It’s been like a zillion years since we’ve had a family movie night…I guess technically, it wasn’t really a family movie night, since Lily wanted nothing to do with Ant-Man, instead barricading herself under her bed with Netflix and my cat. I’m trying to remember when Paul Rudd first hit my consciousness…it wasn’t Clueless, because […]

3 Headed Shark Attack

If two heads are better than one, are three heads better than two? So…the 3 Headed Shark is angered by ocean pollution, but it eats the sea garbage, which drives it insane and it starts attacking. This movie makes no fucking sense. It is also somehow a sequel to 2 Headed Shark Attack, but HOW??? […]

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

You know, if Mark Cuban ran for president, I’d probably vote for him. Sure, he’s as big a dick as Trump, but he hasn’t filed for bankruptcy half a dozen times. That being said, I’d probably vote for David Hasselhoff before any of the assholes we have running right now. In the first movie, Sharknado […]

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now…Kolossus. Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it’s made out of meat? It’s like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon […]

Jurassic World

I’ll spare you the lame jokes about how this summer’s crop of blockbusters is a throwback to the 90s – dinosaurs, terminators and vacations, oh my! (OK, maybe just one…) Chris Pratt’s earnest animal trainer was the perfect foil to the rest of the cast’s perfectly clich├ęd villains. There was never a moment that the […]

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

I don’t remember much of 1997, but I know I somehow missed watching The Lost World. I think I’ve seen bits and pieces in passing, but I’ve never sat down and watched it intentionally… Plan B…or in this case, Island B. Of course, there’s a second island, where they’ve bred the dinosaurs and allowed them […]

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park made me start smoking. True story. I clearly remember going to see Jurassic Park back in High School with my mom and sister (at the Tomball Cinema 7, no less). I ran into the vice principal’s son (who I later liaised with sadly and briefly), and he gave me a clove cigarette. That […]

Thor: The Dark World

I started writing this review last summer, when I originally watched Thor 2 on cable…my thoughts will be briefer, but possibly more favorable than when I originally watched it. This film was made for the ladies, right? A shirtless viking god, pining over the nerdy scientist girl, even though he has a hottie asskicker at […]

Avengers: Age of Ultron

So we started to watch Agents of SHIELD the other night and it took about 30 seconds to realize, “FUCK, this is happening after the movie.” So we stopped the DVR and watched Gotham instead… SO MANY PREVIEWS. Although there wasn’t a preview for Pitch Perfect 2, we were treated to a lady razor commercial […]

X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’ve been MIA for quite a while, haven’t I? I’ve been watching movies, but most haven’t left me with anything to say. I’ve got half written reviews of the 2nd Hobbit movie and The Winter Soldier…and I couldn’t even get started on Thor 2. Well, Days of Future Past gave me a lot to think […]