Piranha (2010)

If I had actually watched Piranha in 3D, I would have been traumatized for life. It’s not like I’m a pussy or something…as far as movies go, I am the complete opposite of a pussy. (Wait – is the opposite of a pussy…a dick? Am I a movie dick???) Anyway,Piranha makes Saw look like Romper […]

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

I was disappointed that not a single character uttered the immortal line, “Did I do that?” How could they hire Steve Urkel without acknowledging his status as the 3rd greatest nerd ever? (In case you’re wondering, Lewis Skolnick and Farmer Ted are 1st and 2nd.) I can’t argue with The Asylum’s formula, washed-up stars from […]

Dinocroc vs. Supergator

So which one is Dinocroc and which one is Supergator? More than a little condescendingly, my husband explained that Dinocroc is the one that walks on its hind legs. I guess I missed out on crucial monster identification plot points by not watching the original Dinocroc and Supergator movies. So this is David Carradine’s legacy…one […]

Snakes on a Plane

Just because there’s internet buzz, it doesn’t mean people will actually pay money to see your shitty movie. Hasn’t Hollywood learned that internet memes are not profitable? Do they think that Chocolate Rain guy is rolling in dough? This movie was full of enough bullshit to fill 3 or 4 very special episodes of MythBusters. […]

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

It’s been so long that I had forgotten what it’s like. I actually got out of the house last weekend and got to attend the Houston Premiere of Poultrygeist at the Alamo Drafthouse! Poultrygeist is a love story, wrapped inside of a horror movie, tucked inside of a musical. That’s right, it’s a musical! The […]

The Food of the Gods

I haven’t seen someone killed by a big rubber cock since Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I admit – that was a bad joke, but then again, this is a bad movie. I’m all for killer rats – I love Willard, the original and the remake. I can even go for GIANT killer rats […]

Willard (2003)

How is it possible that while watching the best film I’ve seen so far this year, I had the worst film-watching experience I have ever had in my entire life? Review after review, I complain that my husband won’t ever take me to the movies. Poor me, whenever he does take me to see a […]