Do You Wanna Know a Secret?

Do you wanna know a secret? This movie makes no fucking sense – that’s the secret. I was hoping for a cheesy slasher movie with a decent amount of blood and gore. At first, I thought it was trying to be a lame rip-off of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. It […]

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland

Would snorting Drano actually kill a person? We all know that drinking it will – but would snorting it be just as deadly? According to the third installment of the Sleepaway Camp trilogy, snorting drain cleaner seems to be even more deadly than drinking it, as the lady who did the snorting didn’t even have […]

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

How did she fit that gun in her vag? Furthermore, once she got it up there, how did she get it to stay there? Although there are many other fascinating topics of conversation that I could expound upon relating to the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – there’s only one that comes to mind […]

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

A campy film about summer camp. I’ve always been strangely intrigued by summer camps films, probably because I never went. Except for the more serious first one, the Sleepaway Camp films fall somewhere halfway between Meatballs and Friday the 13th. Plenty of killings, but they’re so ridiculous, that you can’t stop laughing. This installment gets […]

Club Dread

If it weren’t for Super Troopers – then I wouldn’t be forced to start every single paragraph of this review with “If it weren’t for Super Troopers…” If it weren’t for Super Troopers – Club Dread might have had a chance to actually stand on its own as a funny film. It certainly had funny […]

The Back Lot Murders

About what you’d expect from Corey Haim these days. With Corey Haim as the top-billed star, you’d think that he would have been in it longer than ten minutes. Not that I’m complaining – I really didn’t need to see his scrawny, spikey-haired, has-been ass. That’s what VH-1 is for, after all – has-beens. The […]


Monster almost makes up for The Astronaut’s Wife and The Cider House Rules. Almost. I find it nearly impossible to forgive stars for inflicting bad performances and/or bad movies upon the public. As much as I love Kyle MacLachlan, I’ll never forgive him for The Flintstones. The same goes for Matthew Broderick – The Cable […]


May is the kind of film that I look for, hope for and have a helluva hard time finding. What kind of film is that, you ask? The kind that actually gives me nightmares. They weren’t heinous nightmares by any stretch of the imagination, but there were dismembered cats chasing me through my dreams that […]

Terror Firmer

Vile. This is the vilest film I have ever seen. So, of course, I liked it. I had been waiting to see it for a while. It never came out into the theaters in Dallas, I checked. It just came out on video/dvd in January, so I tried to order it from Amazon. Hopelessly back […]


Oh GOD, this movie pissed me off so much. First off, I know it’s useless to compare a film to its literary counterpart. I know. Trust me, I know…Everyone’s first instinct is to point out the little differences and favorite parts that were cut out. It’s to be expected when you turn a 1,000 page, […]