The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

How to Train Your Dragon

I couldn’t get past the accents.

All the adult Vikings have Scottish accents, but Hiccup sounded plain, old American? Actually, ALL the Viking kids sounded American. DreamWorks, you puzzle me.

Wait a goddamned minute…shouldn’t all the Vikings have Scandinavian accents? Maybe I’m pissy because of my Scandinavian ancestry, or maybe it’s just because I like to shop at IKEA – but I feel personally betrayed by DreamWorks, and more specifically, by Gerard Butler. I’m not the only one who noticed this!

I came across a Toothless the Dragon Happy Meal Toy in my son’s room the other day and I immediately noticed that it had fins on both sides of its tail. McDonald’s, you puzzle me, too.

The only scene that made me laugh was when Hiccup received the helmet made from his mother’s breastplate. His mom must have had huge boobs…then again, my kid could probably wear my bra as a hat, too.

Obviously, it’s not fair to compare DreamWorks films to PIXAR films, so I’ll stick to comparing How to Train Your Dragon to just DreamWorks stuff. It’s not as shitty as Bee Movie or Over the Hedge…but not as good as Kung Fu Panda or Shrek. Not bad, but still pretty mediocre. A sequel is slated for Summer 2014…I feel pretty ambivalent about it.

Reign of Fire

“I keep getting older, but the dragons stay the same age…”

Okay, Matthew McConaughey didn’t really say that, although the film would’ve been a lot better if he did. It wasn’t that it was a bad movie – although it was bad – it was just boring. So boring that I had a hard time making fun of it.

McConaughey is at his best when he’s playing a deranged character. Just watch The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre for a great example. He wasn’t bad in his role as the dragonslayer Van Zan. Christian Bale was adequate as well. As a matter of fact, the whole cast was pretty good. Special effects were decent and the story was at the very least original. The problem mainly lies in the execution. This film was very poorly executed. Nothing about it clicked. There was no good reason for a dragon to be living in a hole underneath London. There was no good reason for me to care, one way or another, about whether they killed the dragons or not.

There were a few things in the film that just yanked at my brain throughout the film. Where did they get the unlimited supplies of gasoline and cigars? As much as they drove around in tanks and flew helicopters, you’d think there was a gas station on every corner. Do tanks and helicopters even take regular unleaded? Wouldn’t they take some special kind of fuel? And the cigars that Van Zan is continually chomping…if they can’t even grow vegetables without dragons torching them, they sure aren’t growing something as frivolous as tobacco. So maybe he found a 20 year old stash of cigars. Wouldn’t they be pretty foul after sitting around 20 years? No humidor is that good. Where are they even getting electricity? They did have a windmill, so I’ll throw them a bone on that one.

There only truly engaging scene in the film was the one in which Quinn and Creedy acted out the pivotal light saber scene from The Empire Strikes Back. The children watched with same awestruck expression that we all had the first time we heard “Luke, I am your father.” Of course, when asked, Quinn claims he made the whole thing up. I can’t say that I blame him.

As I so often claim, I was tricked into watching this crappy movie. But given the choice between this and Showgirls (as I was last night)…I guess I’d still watch it again.