The House with a Clock in Its Walls


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Hey, kids! Let’s watch the new Eli Roth film!

Not something most parents would say, eh? But The House with a Clock in Its Walls is a kid movie, so it’s okay…I think. I can see why Roth was drawn to this story – it’s full of every kid’s worst fears: dead parents, a creepy old house, being the new kid at school, peer pressure, ghost moms – it’s like a fucking laundry list of fear! And don’t get me started on baby Jack Black – I’m having flashbacks every time I close my eyes.

My kids are coming around on Jack Black, I think. I mean, my daughter practically begged us to see the new Jumanji (haven’t yet) and she was excited about this one.

Cate Blanchett is an amazing actress and a joy to watch. Please let her be in every movie – all of them!

Kyle MacLachlan has got to be having so much fun playing quirky villains these days. He was absolutely chewing the scenery – it was greatness.

I didn’t even realize it while watching, but Angelica Schuyler herself was in the film. Such a shame that there wasn’t a call for her to sing.

I was expecting to play games on my phone the whole time I watched this, but it sucked me in and was a great bunch of fun.

We had watched this film months and months ago…it would blow their little MINDS if they knew this was the same guy who made Cabin Fever.

Cabin Fever

We were laughing before the credits even finished. We just couldn’t stop laughing at that guy’s name – Rider Strong. That would be the BEST. PORNO NAME. EVER. Too bad it’s really the little shit from Boy Meets World…

This movie is just weird. There are definite nods to the Deliverance/Texas Chainsaw Massacre genre of films…that first meeting with the “backwards” locals, the fucked up kid. But after the genre set-up, the movie veers off in a completely different direction. Yes, eventually the locals come after the kids, just like every other movie…but can you really blame them?

There were several moments in this film that were severely traumatizing. The “finger-goo” scene – every guy’s nightmare. The “leg shaving” scene – let’s just say I had a hard time shaving yesterday and it *wasn’t* because of my big buddha belly. And Karen’s teeth…jesus! I admit, most of the nastiest scenes were just makeup…it’s still traumatizing. And what was up with the psycho bunny dude?

And then there was DENNIS. I admit – one full BOB is due to Dennis. I swear, Dennis is the bastard offspring of Rubin…you know, from Rubin and Ed. That mullet, those karate moves – that kid has to have sprung straight from Crispin Glover’s loins.

So I’ve heard rumors of a sequel. I’m not sure what the point of that would be…but I’ll probably watch it anyway if Eli Roth directs it.