Ratpocalypse

 

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What kind of drug-fueled bender led to the making of this film?

Casper Van Dien, late of Starship Troopers plus a hundred hack SyFy films, stars as a US Senator traveling to Russia to speak to their Parliament. He freaks out during his televised address and warns the corrupt politicians that they will all turn into rats…yeah, everyone is laughing until they start turning into CGI rats. It’s not so funny now, is it?

First off, the plot was bonkers. It wasn’t that it didn’t make sense – it was clearly trying to be an allegory of our corrupt political system. The problem is that if every corrupt politician turned into a rat tomorrow, there wouldn’t be riots…there would be PARADES. Literally NO ONE would give a shit. Second, the story doesn’t conclude – the film just…ends. It’s like the filmmaker saw Easy Rider and was like YEAH! That’s not how that works, that’s not how ANY of this works.

I love “so bad, it’s good” movies – they’re my favorite. Sadly, Ratpocalypse is just BAD. I do not recommend.

City of Ember

So…fucking…BORING.

I take that back, it was mainly the first half that was ridiculously boring – say, everything up until the RoUS attacks. (A giant mole is certainly a Rodent of Unusual Size, wouldn’t you say?) Everything after the RoUS attack was super exciting, maybe more exciting than it should have been, seeing as how my six year old suggested turning it off. I’m guessing the slow build was intentional, but if we had been sitting in a theater, we wouldn’t have made it 20 minutes without my kids starting a full scale prison riot. I would have just tazed them and dragged them home.

If you’ve seen one post-apocalyptic utopia, you’ve seen them all. Raggedy sweaters, chunky boots, dirty faces – why does the apocalypse look like the Austin, Texas Hipster scene? Maybe it’s a conspiracy perpetuated by pot-smoking Hollywood Costume Designers?

Why did the citizens of the City of Ember remind me of the citizens of Whoville in Horton Hears a Who? Maybe it was their fucked up hair, or maybe their weird names, but it probably because the city was crumbling and they expected the Mayor to do something about it. Is that what mayors are for? I seriously have no fucking idea what my mayor does, but I still like her because she’s a lesbian. I know that after the last hurricane, the previous mayor couldn’t do shit about people being without power for a month, so the people of the City of Ember must be pretty fucking stupid to think that Bill Murray is going to fix anything.

Maybe my son will read the book and I can borrow it to see if it’s any good.