Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens

Why did Sharknado 4 have to open with a Star Wars-esque opening crawl? Was it because they gave Tara Reid a Light Saber hand?

First there was a shark sandnado in Vegas, then a shark bouldernado in the Grand Canyon, followed by a shark oilnado/firenado in Texas. A shark lightningnado heads toward Kansas. Cue Wizard of Oz references…and a cownado. The lightningnado heads towards a nuclear power plant in Ohio…and becomes a shark nuclearnado. The grand finale takes place all the way in Niagara Falls…Wait, how did that baleen whale get into the Sharknado? And the baby shark nipple defibrillators…uhhhh…the end? At least they set it up for a sequel…Sharknado in France.

Adding Gary Busey to the mix was a stroke of genius. I didn’t think there was any more crazy that could be added to the mux, but I was wrong.

I was disappointed that Tara Reid wasn’t killed off in the last one, but I technically, I guess she DID die. Grumble, grumble…

The cameos came fast and furious: Carrot Top, Vince Neil, Wayne Newton, Adrian Zmed, Dr. Drew, Xfinity Cable Remote Controls, Al Roker, Bud Bundy, Jillian Barberie, Gilbert Gottfried, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dan Yeager (Leatherface) and Caroline Williams (Stretch), Stacey Dash, Christine (the car), Steve Guttenberg (his character crossover from Lavalantula), Comic Con, Paul Shaffer, the biggest ball of yarn in the world, Lloyd Kaufman!!! (one of my idols), Gena Lee Nolin and some other Baywatch skank…did I miss any?

The whole family agreed that this one was better than the third one, which was previously the best one. Although it was mostly ridiculously predictable, there were a few WTF moments that had a tiny spark of genius, like the Christine cameo. I didn’t catch any other Stephen King references, it just seemed out of place, which made me love it all the more. Just a total, “fuck you, we’re going for it” moment. But isn’t Sharknado itself a whole spectacle of “fuck you, we’re going for it”?

Star Wars: Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith

How does George Lucas expect me to watch this movie with a straight face, when he includes lines like, “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo.”? Seriously, I was almost rolling around on the theater floor laughing after that horrid, horrid line. Who talks like that? Did his involvement with Howard the Duck give him brain damage?

I tried talking like that and it seriously pissed off my husband. I’m not sure he was so much pissed at the fact that I said it, as the fact of when I said it (in flagrante delicto) or the fact that I immediately broke down into hysterical giggling fit. Either way – not effective.

I was pretty bored throughout the first two thirds of the movie. I’m not sure if it was because it took us three months after opening weekend to see it or maybe it was just really boring? The movie seemed to get bogged down in the politics of the republic. Too much political back story was a recurring theme in the newest trilogy. When exactly did George Lucas turn into Frank Herbert? The draw of the original Star Wars wasn’t the complex political back story, but Luke’s mysterious origins and his journey to become a man. The new trilogy negates that mystery and very nearly negates Luke’s fulfillment of “the prophecy.”

There were some enjoyable moments in the film – the Wookiie planet, for one. And at least there was more Yoda ass-kickin’ and Samuel L. Jackson – as he stated in about 100 interviews – didn’t go out like a little bitch. And Darth Grievous was pretty bad-ass. He was the best villain since Darth Maul. I don’t have any complaints about the lava scene either – it was all I had ever hoped for and dreamed of. It was the most satisfying burning alive scene since Casey in Terror Firmer!

So, is it a coincidence that “Sith” is an anagram of a well known substance often found in toilets? The world may never know…

 

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

Light Sabre wielding Yoda kicks ass!

I doubt I am ruining anything about the film by proclaiming the kickass-ness of Yoda’s fight scene. Is it possible that there is anyone left on the planet that has not seen Episode II yet? I saw it a few weeks ago – I didn’t quite make it on opening weekend, much less opening day – like I did for Episode I…No way I was gonna wade through FANBOY a seocnd time.

We also made sure to go see Episode II at a digital theater – the Legacy in Plano. It…was…amazing. Every detail was crystal clear, contrary to the common complaint in many reviews I have read. They complain about the fuzzy background, then conclude it’s because of the analog projection. Why would any self-respecting film critic NOT see it in a digital theater?

Now, the bad news…I liked every scene in the movie – except the ones with Anakin and Amidala actually speaking to each other. There was nothing in the entire film that made me believe that they were deeply in love – not even barely in love. It was hard to suspend my disbelief and even accept that they had met before. I don’t think Hayden is necessarily a bad actor – he was quite good in the scene expressing his rage after massacring the Tuskin Raiders. It’s highly unlikely that anyone that young has ever really been in love before, so maybe that’s why he had such a hard time making me believe he was deeply in love. He seemed more like a stalker, similar to the way that Jack Osbourne was stalking Natalie Portman at the MTV Music Awards…

There were a few too many in-jokes for my taste. How many times can “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” be uttered in the Star Wars universe? The symbolism of everyone getting their right hand cut off – okay, I get it. C3-PO is gay, we know.

I was impressed to find out that there were female Jedis though – I assumed that the Jedis were a bunch of monk-like ringknockers. I wonder if female Jedis still get visited by Aunt Flow – or can they banish cramps by using the force?

I am really looking forward to Episode III – it promises to be dark and depressing. I can’t wait to see what finally pushes Anakin over the edge…I predict that it will involve an Ewok barbecue or perhaps catching Amidala in a Clone menage a tois. Actually, the reign of the Dark Side must directly correlate to making Jar Jar a Senator. Who in their right mind would leave the fate of the Republic in the hands of Jar Jar???

 

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace

Jar Jar Binks must die!

In the immortal words of Dante (Clerks, not the Inferno) “Jedi was nothing but a bunch of muppets…” And the same could be said about The Phantom Menace. Given, they are CG muppets, but a muppet is still a muppet. Not that I did not love Episode One, because I did. It was 100% better than I thought it would be. Except for Jar Jar – that stupid Jamaican muppet annoyed me every single time it was on the screen. “Youa say that Ia sucka cocka? Me get no pay – Fucka George Lucas!” Jar Jar was so wussy that he made the Ewoks look like Wookiees. The only thing stupider than Jar Jar were ‘midochlorians.’ End of rant.

Awesome. I was blown away by the verisimiltude of the special effects. This CG Jabba was way better than the Special Edition Jabba. He still wasn’t as good as the original Jabba, but not bad. Yoda was okay, but I think that Frank Oz forgot how to talk like Yoda. I miss the claymation creatures though. There was a certain tangibilty missing from the CG creatures that the hokey models had. The spaceships were great though. CG ships are better than models any day. I see Oscars in ILM’s future.

As much as I wanted to hate Lucas’ new vision of Star Wars, I really liked it. It was a lot of fun to watch, though predictable as Hell. I am one of those dorks who went to see it on opening day, but at least I didn’t have camp in a tent. Definitely not worth sitting in a tent in the rain over, but I am looking forward to the next two.

 

Clerks

Stupid day jobs. Who hasn’t had their share of stupid day jobs? Clerks is the tale of a day in the life of two guys with really stupid day jobs. Dante (apt name – his job is hell) works in a Stop & Rob and Randall works in a video store. These are the two places where you are most likely to see stupid people. (Having done my time in a Blockbuster, believe me, I know.)

Smith’s skill truly lies in his ability to write realistic and cutting dialogue. In fact the bulk of the film is pure dialogue. There is a bit of physical comedy in the hockey scenes and a few others, but it’s nothing compared to the verbiage. Don’t even try to watch this film for the first time unless you’re ready to sit down and really listen to it.

Clerks also marks the first appearance of Jay and Silent Bob, the patron saints of the Blunt. (You Cocksmoker!) It’s filmed in black and white, but it just shows the drabness of everyday life when you hate your job. (Kind of like the beginning of The Wizard of Oz.)

My boyfriend said that he saw the special uncut ending of Clerks. Dante is locking up the store (which is where the normal version ends) and a robber comes up and shoots his ass and robs the store. I guess test audiences didn’t like it very much. That ending brings new meaning to the phrase “I wasn’t even supposed to be here today!”