Avengers: Endgame

 

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I don’t even know how to write a review about Endgame that doesn’t contain at least 50 spoilers, so instead…you’ll get feelings and emotions. I know, I know – not like me at all.

We went and saw Endgame on opening weekend, which we NEVER do – but my son made a good case for avoiding spoilers – Infinity War was totally spoiled for him at school. Junior High is a fucking warzone, ya’ll. Even though we planned ahead and got tickets for Sunday, he managed to get spoiled on Friday – some assface “friend” leaked a death. I tried, son…I tried.

I checked my heartrate (via fitbit) while viewing and it was a wild ride. It just kept going up and up and up. The action just never let up. I laughed a lot more than I expected. I cried just the right amount, which is once. I won’t spoil the film by saying what, except to say it was somewhere in the middle and it was a hug and OMG, I AM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Endgame was so good, it gave me a to-do list…

To do list #1 – make my son watch The Big Lebowski with me, then rewatch Endgame. Hell, maybe we should watch ALL of the Coen Brothers’ films for good measure.

The Community cameos made me SQUEAL! (Kinda spoiler-y, but I’m not perfect.) To do list #2, persuade both kids to watch Community on Amazon Prime. I’ve been bugging the boy for years to binge watch it, but he won’t do it.

To do list #3, see if my VHS copy of National Lampoon’s Senior Trip still works, so I can revisit my 1996 crush on Jeremy Renner.

Funny story real quick – right before we left to see Endgame, my husband had Fantastic 4 2 on in the background…my daughter was so fucking confused. She asked, “Since when could Captain America do that?” as Johnny Storm was torching around. That gave us a good laugh – she had no idea that Chris Evans was ever another superhero. That brings me to #4 – rewatch Not Another Teen Movie, so I can see America’s Ass™ in a whipped cream bikini.

Endgame gave everyone the ending they deserved. I mean, never before has there been a 22 (or is it 23) movie build-up like this, with expectations built up for so many character arcs. Full disclosure – it’s just 20 movies for me, haven’t watched GotG2 or AM&W yet – even so, I felt so invested in this universe – sure, James Bond has over 20 movies, but who is emotionally invested in James Bond? It’s weeks later and the family is STILL discussing it. I’m actually considering taking the kids to see it again, to pick up any goodies we may have missed the first time. I always thought there would only ever be one 5 BOB movie, but I feel compelled to change my mind and bestow the coveted 5 BOB rating upon Endgame.

Thor: Ragnarok

We originally saw Ragnarok months and months ago, while it was still in the theater. It was a hilarious and amazing film, so I don’t know why it took me so long to put together a review. Maybe it’s the gushing – I feel uncomfortable gushing – it’s so much more fun writing about a stinker. Ragnarok is definitely no stinker. But then I saw the deleted scene that was released this week in anticipation of the DVD release. Jeff Goldblum’s Grandmaster has a holographic, Anime-style tentacle orgy – I was robbed.

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We hadn’t seen either for the first two Thor film in the theater, but the trailers made it look much too fun to miss. Thor and The Dark World were very serious – very nearly humorless. Ragnarok, on the other hand, had hardly a serious moment. There were as few, but they were scarce, yet well-placed. It makes me worried about Infinity War…like this was the last comedic relief before being utterly gutted.

I’ve been fairly ambivalent towards Cate Blanchett across her career. Having seen Elizabeth, I’ve great respect for her talents, but she rarely picks projects I’m likely to watch. She was AMAZING as Hela – I loved her…But the real scene stealer was Goldblum as The Grandmaster. He was a joyful perv, so rare and so fun. There was not nearly enough Grandmaster.

I don’t know if this is still a spoiler, but getting to see Loki as Loki and a Hemsworth as a Hemsworth was super cute.

Hmmmm…what else…Thor’s new hair is kinda cute. Valkyrie was pretty kick ass, but not as kick ass as big baller Hulk. I want more Big Baller Hulk. I can’t wait for it to hit cable, so I can watch it every day.

On a side note, my ringtone has been ‘The Immigrant Song’ since we saw it. It just feel so epic, even if it’s just a telemarketer, claiming I won a free cruise.

Thor: The Dark World

I started writing this review last summer, when I originally watched Thor 2 on cable…my thoughts will be briefer, but possibly more favorable than when I originally watched it.

This film was made for the ladies, right? A shirtless viking god, pining over the nerdy scientist girl, even though he has a hottie asskicker at home, who would literally die for him. This is every straight woman’s fantasy. We don’t want to be tied up and beaten, like that 50 Shades bullshit. We just want the hot guy to pick us, preferably while shirtless.

As soon as they started talking “science”, I tuned out and just waited for the action to start. None of the physics they were spouting made any kind of sense, but I’m not sure if it was because I am nearly 20 years past any science classes or if it was really bullshit. I watched some documentary on String Theory a few years ago, but not sure if that counts. The science in Marvel movies is just as secondary to the plot as it is in a Scooby Doo cartoon, so who gives a fuck anyway?

At least the film delivered more Loki. Although my eyes think Thor is the best thing about these movies, my brain thinks Loki is the best.

An okay movie, but probably my least favorite in the whole franchise, except Iron Man 2.

  

Thor

If I had been a boy, my parents would have named me Thor. True story.

I once dressed as Thor for Halloween. Sexy Thor. 1995. Last year, I dressed as Flavor Flav, but I had to buy a new Viking hat, because my old one was hidden in my hoarder piles of shit. True story.

Watching the opening credits, I was shocked as shit to see Kenneth Branagh’s name pop up as the director. Not that I’m a big fan of his, but I recognize that he is considered prestigious. As I watched Thor, I could sense his Shakespearean influence, especially during the more dramatic father and son scenes, although I don’t know that I would have noticed had I not known Branagh’s work.

Chris Hemsworth is the most perfect Thor possible…at least in the shirtless scenes. Granted, I have no other Thors to compare him to…

Is it me, or did Loki look like a grasshopper? Or maybe Jimney Cricket?

For once, I totally understand why the superhero’s love interest fell in love with him. Finally! Not only did Natalie Portman hit Thor with her car (The Florence Nightingale effect – remember Back to the Future?), but they actually shared genuine moments beyond a wet, snotty upside down kiss or a bizarre employer/employee relationship. It also could be the fact that Natalie is a much better actress than Kirsten or Gwenyth…

I also like Kat Dennings. She is the only reason I keep watching that shitty 2 Broke Girls show.

Asgard looks a lot like Middle Earth. Okay, I admit it, anything even a little medieval looks all the same to me. I like going to the Renaissance Festival, but that’s where my interest in dragons and swords and suits of armor ends.

As you may have realized long ago, I have a tendency to judge comic book movies by how slammable the main character is. The scale runs from Hugh Jackman as Wolverine and Christian Bale as Batman at the top to Eric Bana as The Hulk at the very bottom of the heap. Based on that criteria, Thor would definitely be at the top of the rankings. But now that I am the mother of children old enough to have opinions on movies, I also judge movies by their response. At least Thor didn’t bore them to the point of tucking themselves into bed. I wouldn’t say they loved the film, but at least it didn’t drive them out of the room.

We were fully expecting the post-credits scene to be a set-up for Captain America, but we were wrong – it was a set-up for Thor 2…Which reminds me – only one more film to see before I get to see The Avengers. I’m hoping I can talk my husband into skipping Captain America

How to Train Your Dragon

I couldn’t get past the accents.

All the adult Vikings have Scottish accents, but Hiccup sounded plain, old American? Actually, ALL the Viking kids sounded American. DreamWorks, you puzzle me.

Wait a goddamned minute…shouldn’t all the Vikings have Scandinavian accents? Maybe I’m pissy because of my Scandinavian ancestry, or maybe it’s just because I like to shop at IKEA – but I feel personally betrayed by DreamWorks, and more specifically, by Gerard Butler. I’m not the only one who noticed this!

I came across a Toothless the Dragon Happy Meal Toy in my son’s room the other day and I immediately noticed that it had fins on both sides of its tail. McDonald’s, you puzzle me, too.

The only scene that made me laugh was when Hiccup received the helmet made from his mother’s breastplate. His mom must have had huge boobs…then again, my kid could probably wear my bra as a hat, too.

Obviously, it’s not fair to compare DreamWorks films to PIXAR films, so I’ll stick to comparing How to Train Your Dragon to just DreamWorks stuff. It’s not as shitty as Bee Movie or Over the Hedge…but not as good as Kung Fu Panda or Shrek. Not bad, but still pretty mediocre. A sequel is slated for Summer 2014…I feel pretty ambivalent about it.

The Norseman

This is quite possibly, the worst film I have ever seen in my entire life. I know I throw that statement around a lot, but this is the tops – worse than my usual triumverate of ‘worst’ films, The Flintstones, Prince of Darkness and Showgirls.

Lee Majors is Thorvald, prince of the vikings. He is the prince because he is the only one who has access to a razor – he has that manly 70’s mustache with short hair while the rest of the vikings have full beards and long flowing hair. He is leading a party of vikings to the new world to find his father, the King. It never does say what the hell the King was doing in the new world…

At first, I thought it was going to be an Apocolypse Now type journey down the river, only to find that the King was now the leader of the Indians and was all whacked out and obese, worshipping the spirit gods…nope. Instead, it was the same old ‘rescue people from the bad, bad Indians’ crap. The first Viking party were friends with the Indians, until the Indian girls decided that they wanted to try some white meat…so the Indians blinded all the Vikings and made them slaves. Um, okay.

Why the hell was there a black viking?

There were many scenes of Lee Majors running down the beach – Heroically? Proudly? Majestically? Hell, I don’t know what adjective the director was going for, all I could keep thinking was the Six Million Dollar Viking.