Deadpool 2

 

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Deadpool 2 just debuted on HBO, so we all cuddled on the couch for a family movie night. Good thing that Deadpool ASSURED the audience that this is a family film – because we let the 13 year old and the 10 year old watch.

There was no pegging (although it was alluded to), so there wasn’t too much explaining I had to do for the kids. I did have to explain to my daughter what an IUD was – no biggie. Everything else went over her head – thank the lord she didn’t ask me about docking.

The major complaint about Deadpool 2 was the “fridging” of Vanessa. (“Fridging” is killing off a female character, solely to give motivation to a male character.) Yes, she was fridged…but I’m kinda okay with it. Deadpool gives zero fucks about anything BUT Vanessa. There is literally nothing else you could do to Deadpool to motivate him. I do wonder though – NO SPOILERS – how do they motivate him in the next movie?

I wish Josh Brolin was taller.

Now I need to see Taika Waititi’s Hunt for the Wilderpeople, which is where Ryan Reynolds first saw Julian Dennison. He was a punkass little kid.

Stick around for some mid-credits scenes – you won’t be disappointed.

All things considered, I liked Deadpool 2 even more than the first one. The action was okay, but what really got me were the jokes. I feel like I’m the Deadpool in my friend group, what with my pop culture obsession(s). I could not stop laughing throughout the whole film – I even caught myself laughing at jokes the next day. Looking forward to watching Once Upon a Deadpool (maybe should’ve started the kids there), then Deadpool 3/X-force/whatever Ryan Reynolds decides to do. The one downside though…I’ve had Cher’s ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ stuck in my head for the last week. Gee, thanks DP.

Logan

Ugh, I don’t want to write this review at all. I’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but I can’t delay it any longer. I have to write a review of Logan, which means saying goodbye to Hugh Jackman as Logan. (That’s not a spoiler – Jackman has been very vocal.) I am not ready for this!

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We had intended to see it in the theater, but we farted around and missed it. Then they re-release it in black and white, and we missed that, too. There was also the fact that our Logan was DYING to see his titular film. (Yes, we named our firstborn child after a comic book character, back before the MCU and comic books were ‘cool.’ But how many babies born in 2018 will be named T’Challa or M’Butu?) But since he was twelve at the time, we were unsure that he could handle the level of violence we’d heard about. We postponed until it was available to watch at home, so we could turn it off if it got too intense. Plus, he’s thirteen now…like thirteen is some magical age, like eighteen or twenty-one, that imparts wisdom at the stroke of midnight. I needn’t have worried. Yes, it’s a “Hard R”, but it wasn’t a splatterfest. It was fucking intense, mostly emotionally.

Again, I got a little caught up in the Science of mutants and admantium. At first, I was wondering how X-23 could have an admantium skeleton and still grow, but then I figured out that it was only her claws that were admantium. But why does she have different claws – and foot claws? Also, why is she a girl? Or maybe you don’t get to choose the sex when you grow a mutant from scratch instead of cloning? I don’t even fucking know…but I also tripped out realizing that Lara has a son named Logan and Logan has a daughter named Laura.

So the big question…will they recast Wolverine? If so, I hope they wait a few years. In the meantime, they can focus on the young, rebooted mutants or maybe use X-23?

Logan is a fitting tribute to Jackman’s portrayal of the character, as well as Patrick Stewart’s portrayal of Professor X – supposedly his last, as well. His swan song doesn’t carry the same weight though, as we’ve already had James McAvoy in the role for three movies. (Coincidentally, I guess you could say that my son is also named after Professor X – his middle name is ‘Charles,’ although after his great-grandfather.) But you know the one thing that made the end “really real”? No end credits sequence.

Deadpool

My son has been wanting to watch this since it came out…the husband and I didn’t even end up seeing it in the theater (a travesty), but saw it as soon as it hit cable. I’d been trying to avoid having to explain to him what ‘pegging’ is…but he’s twelve. From what I’ve heard about seventh grade boys so far, a little ‘pegging’ is the least of my worries.

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My son was totally unimpressed by the ‘pegging’. He did not bat an eye at all. He said, “There wasn’t even any nudity.” Thanks, Urban Dictionary!

As wrong as Wolverine got its portrayal of Deadpool, Deadpool the film gets it right. It’s 110% on back of Ryan Reynolds. I truly don’t think there’s another actor on this planet, or even in this galaxy, that could have given life to Deadpool.

Not to say that the rest of the casting isn’t phenomenal. Why isn’t Morena Baccarin a bigger star? I mean, she’s starred on a lot of shows like Firefly and V and Gotham, but why isn’t she a bigger movie star? Hmmm…T.J. Miller was also an entertaining addition. He reminds me of a guy I almost dated before I met my husband, like literally a week before I met my husband. He came to my 24th birthday party, but I got too fucked up and passed out before we cvould even talk. I don’t think it would have worked out though – a friend told me that his previous girlfriend had messed up his testicles by playing with them too much and he had to have surgery on them. I can’t handle that kind of pressure!

With the recent acquisition of 20th Century Fox by Disney, I’m imagining a world where the Avengers can hang out with Deadpool…and maybe, just maybe…someone can finally make a good Fantastic Four movie. Here’s to hoping.

X-Men: Apocalypse

While I agree with Jean Grey that the third one’s always the worst, X-Men: Apocalypse isn’t a bad movie. It merely suffers in that it wasn’t as good as the first two. (I think we can all agree that Last Stand was much stinkier than Apocalypse ever dreamt of being.)

Sure, it was a bit preachy…but how can a movie with a villain that’s trying to be a God NOT be preachy? Even with all the good mutants vs. bad mutants drama, it was still less preachy than Batman v Superman. I was left scratching my head over Apocalypse’s motivation, though. What was he going to do with all that power once he had it. Just hang out with the 4 Horsemen while the planet smolders?

I am shook to the core that Poe Dameron played Apocalypse. I’d never even heard of Oscar Isaac’s before The Force Awakens, and BAM – he’s everywhere now. (Eventually, I’ll finish my review of Force and pontificate on the sex appeal of Poe Dameron.)

I wish I liked the actress picked for Jean Grey more. I don’t watch Game of Thrones, so I’ve never seen this girl before. She doesn’t have the presence and appeal of Famke Janssen…and I admit, I’m biased. I’ve been wanting to be her since Goldeneye. Even so, this girl just doesn’t seem to have much personality. I’m hoping she comes out of her shell, as I’m expecting another full X-Men trilogy over the next decade.

Even James McAvoy is growing on me as Professor X. I admit, I thought he was a pussy in First Class. But after his struggles in Future Passed , he’s grown up and found himself.

Again, the best scene in the film was the Quicksilver scene. Another amazing song choice and another eye-popping slow-motion scene. PLEASE, can we get a standalone Quicksilver film? Maybe a film centered around him getting the balls to confront his father? And throw in Nightcrawler, so he can confront his mother…let’s go full Maury. (Magneto or Azazel, which one is it???)

Speaking of Magneto, my poor son is fixated on the disconnect between how old Magneto and Professor X look and how old they should be. (He is SO MUCH my son.) He wants to know how this Magneto turns into Ian McKellen in just 17 years. It wasn’t that far off actually, McKellen was born in ’39, so was about 61 during the first film. Fassbender just turned 40 (’77), so let’s pretend he’s looking a bit younger in this movie than his character. To keep with the time line of WWII, Magneto was born in the mid to late 30s, which would necessitate him being in his late 40s – early 50s. I think my son might have been assuming that McKellen was older than his 60s…probably thought him to be in his 70s? The time line isn’t all that bad, although Moira is the one who looks far younger than she should…

Worth watching on HBO, I don’t feel bad for missing it in the theater. So much more excited about Logan after his brief cameo!

X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’ve been MIA for quite a while, haven’t I? I’ve been watching movies, but most haven’t left me with anything to say. I’ve got half written reviews of the 2nd Hobbit movie and The Winter Soldier…and I couldn’t even get started on Thor 2. Well, Days of Future Past gave me a lot to think about…

The first thing I was given to think about was Hugh Jackman’s bare ass. Thank you, Bryan Singer, for showing us the #1 ass to come out of Australia since The Crocodile Hunter. Before I even saw the rest of the movie, I loudly proclaimed that the movie already has 4 BOBs, to my husband’s great amusement.

(NOTE: Since I watched this on HBO, I’m going to assume the rest of world has already seen it. If you care about obvious spoilers, stop reading now.) So…the second thing I’ve been gnawing on after watching Days of Future Past is how the events basically erased the first three films, plus the two Wolverines. (My husband gave me a thesis last night on how this storyline affected the comics when it came out and the rioting in the streets that followed.) Where does the X-Men saga go from here? I guess well find out next year in X-Men: Apocalypse. I hope we get to find out how Xavier went bald, because James McAvoy’s 70s hair was glorious. I’ve gotta say, this storyline is a better way to reboot the franchise smoothly – it seems like the other recent reboots were a bit more clumsy.

Thirdly, for half the movie, I thought the kid who played Hank was the same kid playing Edward Nigma on Gotham, but imDB proved me wrong.

The 4th thing…there was not enough Quicksilver! I loved finally seeing Evan Peters outside of the AHS universe. Can he get his own movie, please? Plus, one of my favorite Alice Cooper songs was playing as his character was introduced – Hello Hooray. The soundtrack is mostly the score, only including the Roberta Flack and Jim Croce songs. Bummer.

And lastly…what is poor Rogue going to do when she finds out that Iceman is gay???

The Wolverine

Why was he in the fucking hole? The movie never fucking explained why he was in the fucking hole at Nagasaki. What the fucking fuck?

Sorry for all the fucks, but stuff like that really bothers me. Of course, I could think of nothing else during the whole film, waiting for it to come up again and it never did. They might be saving it for a future film, but the mid-credits sequence set the stage for Days of Future Passed. Maybe since there’s time travel in that film, we’ll see how he ended up in the fucking hole?

Yes, Hugh Jackman certainly was working out hard while making this film. He was almost TOO veiny. (Insert penis joke here.)

The Wolverine was kind of boring. The bullet train scene was pretty exciting, but the rest of it was same old, same old. Just like all action movies, at first the hero and the lady he is protecting fight, but by act 2, they’re butt naked. Showdown in Little Tokyo did it better.

My son made me laugh so hard when his main question about Viper was how she gets that tight outfit on and off…not how she spits poison or why she shed her skin. He is SO my son. Also, Viper reminded me of the blond bitch in The Last Crusade.

Sorry Bub, but I didn’t love The Wolverine. It makes a decent family movie night movie, IF it’s free On Demand. At least the credits sequence made me excited about , which should be On Demand any day now.

  

X-Men: First Class

Forget Wolverine, I totally have a crush on Magneto now.

Michael Fassbender hasn’t even been on my radar until now. My movie watching has been sporadic at best – I haven’t seen 300, or even Inglorious Basterds, although I’ve had both in my DVR at times. (I lost 300 when we moved a few years ago and lost Inglorious Basterds just last week when the hard drive on my DVR failed like a BOSS.) So my interest in those two films has been reignited…although there’s still no chance in hell that I’m gonna sit through Band of Brothers. Professor Sean says I should watch Shame. After reading the description on IMdb, the answer is YES PLEASE!

While Michael Fassbender was a spectacular Magneto, James McAvoy was a just so-so Dr. X. He seemed far more interested in using his powers to get poontang, than saving the world. Also, not at ALL fuckable. I would get down with Patrick Stewart before I would even let James McAvoy rub my feet. He looks like one of those guys that cries after sex.

I wasn’t sure that I would be able to enjoy an X-Men movie without Wolverine. My fears were unfounded – I still enjoyed it. It was definitely better than Last Stand and maybe even better than United. It had a very James Bond vibe…with just a touch of Austin Powers.

Back to Wolverine – I wasn’t expecting his cameo. It was only 10 seconds, but it was the best 10 seconds in the film.

January Jones…boring, boring, boring.

Casting Kevin Bacon as the villain was a stroke of genius. Like Dick Clark, he’s aging in reverse. How does he look younger now than he did in Stir of Echoes? Anyway, he was amazeballs.

So when’s the next X-Men movie coming out? 2013 will give us The Wolverine – Wolverine travels to Japan and becomes a Samurai. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, that sounds either ridiculous or fucking awesome, not sure which. 2014 brings Deadpool (panty dropping time!) and a sequel to First Class…veddy interesting…