The Incredible Hulk

How horrible must a film be to require a complete franchise reboot five years later? The answer is Ang Lee’s attempt to make an arthouse film out of Hulk in 2003. (I’ll also accept repeated attempts at The Punisher in 1989, 2004 and 2008.) Eric Bana is butt ugly and his ears bother the shit […]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Before I even started typing, I knew this would be one of my shortest reveiws ever. I like Uma Thurman and all, but this is an utterly generic, utterly forgettable role for her. It could have been played by any of the usual suspects – Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman. Uma didn’t bring anything […]

The Dark Knight

It’s only July and I’ve already gotten to see a second film in the theater – will wonders ever cease? I took Friday off, because I might well have had a nervous breakdown if I didn’t have a real day off soon. I decided that the best use of that day off would be to […]

Underdog

They CGI-ed out Underdog’s penis! I even paused it – they just totally erased the dog’s wiener in any scene in which he is flying upright. I understand how a floppy dog dick might be distracting to young children – but it’s still a little fucked up, isn’t it? It’s so ironic – don’t superheroes […]

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Even my three year old liked the first one better than this one. Oh, he didn’t say it in so many words, but I could tell that he was bored. He was glued to the couch for the first one, but after about 30 minutes into this one he made his way to the computer […]

Spider-Man 3

So the Black Spider-Man suit is like Axe Body Spray? It puts a spring in your step, makes you irresistible to women and worst of all…gives you finger guns?!?!?! I fucking HATE finger guns. Kirsten Dunst’s voice double was ridiculous. It didn’t sound like her in the least bit. No wonder she got shit-canned. Harry […]

X-Men: The Last Stand

My poor husband had to sit through yet another comic book movie with me bugging him about the storylines and characters and how close the movie was to the comics. To his credit, I think he only told me to “shut the fuck UP” twice. Computer effects have come a long way since the first […]

Fantastic Four

I never read the comic book. I watched the Hanna Barbera Hour cartoon, but since it was pretty sucky, I can’t really compare the two. I thought it was passably entertaining, but my son LOVED it. He was perched on the edge of the couch for much of the film. During the scene where Johnny […]

The Incredibles

Ohhhh PIXAR…I was on the fence, but now I’ve decided. PIXAR good. Dreamworks not so good. I’m sorry Dreamworks…we can still be friends, right? It’s not you, it’s me. I just don’t like you in that way. I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you. Am I seeing someone else? No, of course […]

Batman Begins

I like Michael Keaton and all…but Christian Bale is the BEST. BATMAN. EVER. I’m dead serious. Bale has the whole Batman thing down. He’s got the furrowed brow, a jaw perfect for poking out of a cowl, a hard body – and best of all…a batsuit without nipples. He even had a great scary Batman […]