Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2

 

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I’ve done it! I’ve watched all of the Infinity Saga films…Well, technically, Far from Home was the last one that I watched, but whatever…

My husband took the kids to go see it in the theater – I don’t exactly remember why I didn’t go see GotG2 with them…I probably wanted to take a nap. Even though it was a fun film, I stand beside my nap decision.

I want to like Chris Pratt so bad…but then an article comes out about his membership in an anti-LGBT church or his bizarro biblical diets or wearing highly offensive alt-right T-shirts…and I just cringe. Sigh. I truly enjoy him as Starlord, but I feel guilty about it, because he appears to be a major douche in real life.

Only Kurt Russell would impregnate someone behind a Dairy Queen – and look like a sexy beast doing it. His de-aging was beautiful – I am trying to think of Kurt Russell in 1980. The Thing was 1982, pretty close.

I feel like the arc with Gamora and Nebula really made me understand their dynamic in Infinity War a lot better. As in Ant-Man and the Wasp, viewing was REQUIRED to understand Endgame, but it added to the experience.

I almost think that I liked Vol. 2 more than Vol. 1 – is that the consensus? Or is it because of “The Hof”? The world may never know. (They know.) I am 200% OBSESSED with the video for Guardians Inferno by The Sneepers (AKA James Gunn & pals). I’ve watched it about 100 times and you should, too.

Avengers: Endgame

 

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I don’t even know how to write a review about Endgame that doesn’t contain at least 50 spoilers, so instead…you’ll get feelings and emotions. I know, I know – not like me at all.

We went and saw Endgame on opening weekend, which we NEVER do – but my son made a good case for avoiding spoilers – Infinity War was totally spoiled for him at school. Junior High is a fucking warzone, ya’ll. Even though we planned ahead and got tickets for Sunday, he managed to get spoiled on Friday – some assface “friend” leaked a death. I tried, son…I tried.

I checked my heartrate (via fitbit) while viewing and it was a wild ride. It just kept going up and up and up. The action just never let up. I laughed a lot more than I expected. I cried just the right amount, which is once. I won’t spoil the film by saying what, except to say it was somewhere in the middle and it was a hug and OMG, I AM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Endgame was so good, it gave me a to-do list…

To do list #1 – make my son watch The Big Lebowski with me, then rewatch Endgame. Hell, maybe we should watch ALL of the Coen Brothers’ films for good measure.

The Community cameos made me SQUEAL! (Kinda spoiler-y, but I’m not perfect.) To do list #2, persuade both kids to watch Community on Amazon Prime. I’ve been bugging the boy for years to binge watch it, but he won’t do it.

To do list #3, see if my VHS copy of National Lampoon’s Senior Trip still works, so I can revisit my 1996 crush on Jeremy Renner.

Funny story real quick – right before we left to see Endgame, my husband had Fantastic 4 2 on in the background…my daughter was so fucking confused. She asked, “Since when could Captain America do that?” as Johnny Storm was torching around. That gave us a good laugh – she had no idea that Chris Evans was ever another superhero. That brings me to #4 – rewatch Not Another Teen Movie, so I can see America’s Ass™ in a whipped cream bikini.

Endgame gave everyone the ending they deserved. I mean, never before has there been a 22 (or is it 23) movie build-up like this, with expectations built up for so many character arcs. Full disclosure – it’s just 20 movies for me, haven’t watched GotG2 or AM&W yet – even so, I felt so invested in this universe – sure, James Bond has over 20 movies, but who is emotionally invested in James Bond? It’s weeks later and the family is STILL discussing it. I’m actually considering taking the kids to see it again, to pick up any goodies we may have missed the first time. I always thought there would only ever be one 5 BOB movie, but I feel compelled to change my mind and bestow the coveted 5 BOB rating upon Endgame.

Captain Marvel

 

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Captain Marvel is cool and all, but Samuel L. Jackson carried the film for me. Young Nick Fury was the glue that held the film together, no offense to Captain Marvel intended.

I was not distracted at all by the de-aging of Samuel L. Jackson – he looked so young and innocent. Coulson was a little weird looking – I think it was the goofy hairline. Speaking of Coulson, there was not nearly enough of him in the film. I’ve been watching him in Agents of SHIELD for 5 years – I wanna see what he was like as a youngin’.

Somehow, I managed to avoid enough of the spoilers to be surprised by the plot twists and turns. I feel like I should go on a total media blackout before every Marvel film! Actually, every film these days. I’m still pissed about The Force Awakens…

The 90s nostalgia in this film got me in the feels. The Blockbuster Video (my summer job between high school and college, 1994)…the Radio Shack (RIP)…the soundtrack! I loved the female-centric soundtrack – in fact, it was quite jarring to hear Nirvana and REM, popping up between Garbage and Hole. I think maybe they should’ve stuck with all ladies on the soundtrack – and why wasn’t “What’s Going On” on that soundtrack? Of course, that would’ve been one more thing for fanboi trolls to be pissed about.

The best thing about Captain Marvel? No romantic subplots. I get it, Wonder Woman has to have Steve Trevor, but it’s so nice to see a powerful female NOT batting her eyes and playing vulnerable. For about 10 seconds, I was afraid that there was going to be sexual tension with Jude Law. That would’ve made me barf – he’s another nannyfucker.

Where did Brie Larson even come from? I feel like she came out of nowhere to win that Oscar, but she’s been in Hollywood for decades. I guess she was just under my radar. Glad that she won the role over Ronda Rousey – that would’ve been a clusterfuck.

My favorite part? The Flerken, of course! What’s a Flerken? Shhhhh…

My second favorite part? Stan Lee’s Mallrats-reading cameo.

Now that we’ve seen what Captain Marvel (and Flerken) can do, Thanos is totally fucked. Just a few weeks until we see how it all shakes out!

Justice League

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Did they really start off the film with that horrible CGI of Superman’s face?

Raise your hand if you thought Superman was going to stay dead…If any of you have your hands raised, then I assure you, Spider-Man, Black Panther and Starlord will also be staying dead.

Bruce Wayne’s dialogue is so ridiculously cliched that I was literally finishing his sentences under my breath…and annoying my family the whole time. That’s not Batfleck’s fault, of course…but his delivery is atrocious. He just needs to STOP. Shockingly, my husband likes him as middle aged Batman. Sure, I agree he’s better than George Clooney and Val Kilmer, but not much. Maybe I’m just biased against Nanny-Fuckers?

Honestly, it’s not all horrible. Aquaman is…well, Jason Momoa, in all his…Momoa-ness? His cocky Aquaman was the perfect counterpoint to both Batfleck’s snooty rich attitude and Aquaman’s longstanding reputation as a punching bag for fish jokes. I don’t know exactly where it all started, but it was long before the internet. Those fish jokes aren’t so funny now, are they? Also, what was the point of Amber Heard as Mera? 30 seconds of her bitching at him for no good reason?

I was also delighted by The Flash. I’d never even heard of Ezra Miller before, but he quickly became my favorite new member of the Justice League. I LIVED for those Pet Semetary references. Laughs override sex appeal sometimes. Only sometimes, though.

Somehow I missed the memo that the Big Bad was Steppenwolf – even though my nephew had asked for a Steppenwolf for Xmas, which I was unable to locate. I tend to be kind of oblivious. I was, however, disappointed by the lack of magic carpet rides.

Oh! So my son informed me that we missed an end credits scene. I thought DC wasn’t doing that??? I looked it up on YouTube, because Alcide…yuck! What the fuck is that yellow hair about? Do. Not. Want.

So, all in all, Justice League isn’t the worst DCEU film. It’s a bit better than Suicide Squad and MUCH better than Batman v. Superman. I have no desire to ever watch it again though. Glad I did not spend money on it.

Thor: Ragnarok

We originally saw Ragnarok months and months ago, while it was still in the theater. It was a hilarious and amazing film, so I don’t know why it took me so long to put together a review. Maybe it’s the gushing – I feel uncomfortable gushing – it’s so much more fun writing about a stinker. Ragnarok is definitely no stinker. But then I saw the deleted scene that was released this week in anticipation of the DVD release. Jeff Goldblum’s Grandmaster has a holographic, Anime-style tentacle orgy – I was robbed.

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We hadn’t seen either for the first two Thor film in the theater, but the trailers made it look much too fun to miss. Thor and The Dark World were very serious – very nearly humorless. Ragnarok, on the other hand, had hardly a serious moment. There were as few, but they were scarce, yet well-placed. It makes me worried about Infinity War…like this was the last comedic relief before being utterly gutted.

I’ve been fairly ambivalent towards Cate Blanchett across her career. Having seen Elizabeth, I’ve great respect for her talents, but she rarely picks projects I’m likely to watch. She was AMAZING as Hela – I loved her…But the real scene stealer was Goldblum as The Grandmaster. He was a joyful perv, so rare and so fun. There was not nearly enough Grandmaster.

I don’t know if this is still a spoiler, but getting to see Loki as Loki and a Hemsworth as a Hemsworth was super cute.

Hmmmm…what else…Thor’s new hair is kinda cute. Valkyrie was pretty kick ass, but not as kick ass as big baller Hulk. I want more Big Baller Hulk. I can’t wait for it to hit cable, so I can watch it every day.

On a side note, my ringtone has been ‘The Immigrant Song’ since we saw it. It just feel so epic, even if it’s just a telemarketer, claiming I won a free cruise.

Slither

Not what I expected from the writer of Tromeo and Juliet.

It wasn’t that the film wasn’t gross enough – it was plenty gross. No small amount of money was spent on gross-out alien special effects – there was enough festering, oozing slime for 3 movies. I guess I was expecting something more “TROMA-y” and Slither was more like a classic B-movie than a TROMA flick. Maybe that’s why James Gunn ditched TROMA in the first place – he had a vision beyond crushed melon heads and using the same car crash footage over and over. Gunn also wrote the remake of Dawn of the Dead – but that seemed more like turning a classic B-movie into a serious film…so I don’t know what to think about his writing style.

Slither follows the same basic formula as most alien invasion movies. A mysterious something crashes to Earth and the alien inhabits the first poor bastard to cross its path. At first, no one notices anything wrong, but soon people begin to notice the bastard’s strange behavior. Of course, by then it’s too late and a full scale invasion is already imminent. This formula is well over 50 years old and has been done again and again (most recently in Nicole Kidman’s bomb, Invasion), but James Gunn manages to make it feel a little bit fresher than recent attempts. Maybe it was the addition of the Borg-like hive mind sub-plot – or maybe it was the sheer amounts of gooey prosthetics used.

The best part of the movie was the crazy mayor – he was a real scene stealer. Speaking of scene stealers, where did they find the extras for this film? It’s like they scraped the bottom of a Wal-Mart at 2:00 AM to find the townsfolk of Wheelsy. They had to be real white trash – they looked so authentic!

I was excited to see Jenna Fischer in a cameo – it was oh-so-stereotypical to see her as the receptionist, but she certainly didn’t play it as a “Pam” rehash. I was kind of sad to read the other day that she and James Gunn were divorcing – they didn’t seem like the usual showbiz couple.

Everytime we watch a movie at home, there’s a struggle over getting to watch the credits. My argument is that so many movies have tidbits after the credits, that you’ve got to watch the credits EVERY TIME. My husband tries to fast forward through the credits to get to the end…I HATE that. I’m glad I didn’t let him win this time, because I got a brand new (well, new to me) Old 97’s song during the credits AND an additional scene. So THERE. (Funny, I checked the tracklisting for the Old 97’s song and it isn’t on there – what the fuck is up with that? Guess I won’t be buying it anytime soon.)

According to my husband, Slither is a cross between Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Night of the Creeps. A comparison to either one of those films alone isn’t a big selling point, but maybe the two of them put together is a little more alluring.

 

Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Synopsis: Our two heroes are destined for greatness Рsomeday they will be remembered as the creators of modern civilization. A supervillain from the future creates evil robot versions of our heroes and sends them back in time to change the future. The robots kill our heroes, destroy their homes and attempt to rape and kill their fianc̩es. Only by outwitting Death himself, are our heroes able to escape the fires of hell and destroy the evil robots that threaten the future of civilization as we know it.

Sounds like an awesome (and possibly totally radical) movie, doesn’t it? Perhaps Terminator 2 meets Back to the Future meets The Seventh Seal? WELL IT’S NOT! It’s a fucking stupid ass shitty ass fucking lame movie called Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey and it’s one of the most retarded things I have ever seen on my TV. I need to give my DVR a bath now, because it’s permanently tainted!

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is a classic of 80s cinema. I remember going to see it in the theater and laughing my ass off. I still laugh my ass off when I watch it. Even the Saturday morning cartoon was decently entertaining. But what happened with the sequel? It took me 3-4 days to watch it, because I kept getting irritated that it was so retarded.

The Stations were by far the most retarded part of the movie. Did the filmmakers decide to use the leftover parts from Critters and Troll? Or were they entirely made from the castmembers’ poo? I really can’t tell. What the fuck were they supposed to be anyway? Scientists from Mars? Huh?

By and large, the best thing about the movie is the soundtrack – I’m a big Faith No More fan. But actual use of the soundtrack leaves something to be desired. I’m pretty much on the fence about KISS. They’ve got some great songs, like Lick it Up, but God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll to You is not only the worst KISS song every made – it’s one of the worst songs ever made, PERIOD. And only in an alternate universe could Bill and Ted beat Primus in a battle of the Bands, regardless of whether they were lip synching to KISS or not.

William Sadler as Death was the only funny part of the movie. The only times I remember laughing were at his lines – except for the scene where Bill and Ted expound upon the meaning of life in order to get into heaven – “Every rose has it’s thorn…”

No matter how cute floppy haired Keanu Reeves was 15 years ago (and it’s easy to forget these days, what with the bloat and spotty facial hair), it’s not worth sitting through Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, unless you also enjoy robot-making, hairy pieces of poo from Mars.

  

Star Wars: Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith

How does George Lucas expect me to watch this movie with a straight face, when he includes lines like, “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo.”? Seriously, I was almost rolling around on the theater floor laughing after that horrid, horrid line. Who talks like that? Did his involvement with Howard the Duck give him brain damage?

I tried talking like that and it seriously pissed off my husband. I’m not sure he was so much pissed at the fact that I said it, as the fact of when I said it (in flagrante delicto) or the fact that I immediately broke down into hysterical giggling fit. Either way – not effective.

I was pretty bored throughout the first two thirds of the movie. I’m not sure if it was because it took us three months after opening weekend to see it or maybe it was just really boring? The movie seemed to get bogged down in the politics of the republic. Too much political back story was a recurring theme in the newest trilogy. When exactly did George Lucas turn into Frank Herbert? The draw of the original Star Wars wasn’t the complex political back story, but Luke’s mysterious origins and his journey to become a man. The new trilogy negates that mystery and very nearly negates Luke’s fulfillment of “the prophecy.”

There were some enjoyable moments in the film – the Wookiie planet, for one. And at least there was more Yoda ass-kickin’ and Samuel L. Jackson – as he stated in about 100 interviews – didn’t go out like a little bitch. And Darth Grievous was pretty bad-ass. He was the best villain since Darth Maul. I don’t have any complaints about the lava scene either – it was all I had ever hoped for and dreamed of. It was the most satisfying burning alive scene since Casey in Terror Firmer!

So, is it a coincidence that “Sith” is an anagram of a well known substance often found in toilets? The world may never know…

 

Bloodsuckers

The Sci Fi Channel strikes again…with another cheesy B movie so bad it’s almost good.

Note that I said almost. Yes, this time around, the Sci Fi premiere of the week is just plain bad. Jarringly bad. When I use the phrase “jarringly bad,” I am referring to the strange sensation of watching a movie so boring that your mind begins to wander, only to be lured back in by a “what the fuck” moment so bizarre that you wonder if perhaps you had misjudged the movie and maybe it had something to offer after all. But then you watch a little closer and realize that nothing interesting has happened at all and that in fact, you had imagined the aforementioned “what the fuck” moment entirely. Yes, it’s possible that you thought something cool happened because you were so spaced out that you didn’t notice that your husband may very well have changed the channel in the middle of the movie, because that is the only explanation for the displacement experienced during viewing.

Or maybe I am totally over thinking my continued commitment to watch movies that I know will suck. At least Mansquito had an interesting title going for it. Bloodsuckers is one of the most generic titles possible for a vampire flick. A better title may have been “Space Vampires Must Die!” or “Vampaliens.” Come on Sci Fi Channel – I know you can do better than that. Come on – Mansquito!

Yes, this movie is about Space Vampires. Space Vampires and a group of Space Vampire Hunters. Total lack of creativity caused the writers of this film to refer to one of the species of vampires as “Voorhees” – and another species is referred to as “Leatherfaces.” While the Leatherfaces quite expectedly wear masks made out of human skin, I could find no reason for the moniker Voorhees – it’s not like they wear hockey masks or anything. In fact, they kind of looked like middle aged, gay punk rockers. Maybe they should have been called Rottens?

The only semi-amusing plot development in the whole film was the peta-like Vampire Rights group behind all the ambush attacks. This group believed that vampires had a right to exist in the universe and that humans had no right to eradicate them. Ha! If vampires *did* exist, I have no doubt that in these so-called enlightened times, such a group would definitely spring into existence.

Oh yeah, did I mention MICHAEL IRONSIDE is in it? The king of the badasses co-starring in a decidedly un-badass movie. Even more bizarre, I couldn’t tell if he was wearing make-up or he has just aged really badly. He kind of looked like Jan-Michael Vincent. And not in a good way.

Coneheads

Although I didn’t see Coneheads when it first came out, I remember it well. Or rather, I remember how hard Subway whored itself out for the Coneheads movie. Consume mass quantities, indeed.

Surprisingly, Coneheads is one of the better films spun off from an SNL skit. It’s not The Blues Brothers or Wayne’s World, but it’s not It’s Pat or The Ladies Man, either. Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtin reprise their Conehead characters from the 70s, but instead of Laraine Newman as their daughter Connie, they get Michelle Burke. Most of SNL’s current cast is on hand to fill out the rest of the roles – Chris Farley as Connie’s boyfriend, David Spade as an INS Agent, Adam Sandler as a crook and Phil Hartman as the head Conehead (um, redundant?). I wonder if Lorne Michaels forces each SNL cast member to sign a contract promising to star in any spin-off film he sees fit? I wonder if they even get paid? Personally, I’m still waiting for the Mango movie.

Watching Coneheads, I kept feeling twinges of nostalgia. The whole film is oh-so-90s, especially Connie’s wardrobe. I remember wearing clothes with flags all over them and black tights and Docs with EVERYTHING. At least I had hair though.

It was also really bizarre seeing Parker Posey and Joey Lauren Adams as Connie’s teenage pals. What are they doing in a mainstream movie? Maybe they wandered in from the Dazed and Confused set…

All in all, a cute movie. Could’ve used a bit less product placement, but I guess Lorne’s got to pay the bills somehow.