Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

A horror movie about bloodsucking fish…starring Shannen Doherty and Christopher Lloyd…made by The Asylum…on Animal Planet?

I know – I’m confused, too. Since when does Animal Planet show movies? Oh yeah…I forgot about Mermaids: The Body Found. Plus, they run a Puppy Super Bowl…it’s not like we’re talking about a bastion of hard-hitting journalism.

There’s quite a cast in this turd of a movie. Shannen Doherty plays the beleaguered mom role, married to the worst park ranger, husband and father ever – the guy from Baywatch: Hawaii. Christopher Lloyd is the mayor…yes THAT Christopher Lloyd. Scut Farkus is another park ranger, along with Mary Jane. (Another star from Nowhere – I love Rachel True.) I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the cameo by Mr. River Monster, Jeremy Wade. Not that these are BIG stars, but they’re beyond the usual quality. These movies must be a lot of fun to make, because I can’t imagine they are proud moments on anyone’s résumé.

The most important scene is the one in which the mayer – Christopher Lloyd – encounters lampreys in his toilet..while he’s sitting on the toilet. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out how the lampreys get out of the toilet. This brief scene makes the whole film worth it.

This excremental “horror” film actually scared my son. It bothered him enough that he asked to turn it off. (Even though he is beyond his nine years in many ways, he is thankfully still self-censoring crap that bothers him.) He would have loved the toilet scene, so I am sad that he missed it. We waited until he wasn’t around to finish watching it…with the six year old. She repeatedly kept asking if lampreys were real and we told her, “Yes…but they don’t do that.” I didn’t even bother googling it – they don’t crawl up people’s assholes, do they??? Did I lie to my daughter?

Black Devil Doll

I’ve always had a soft spot for tiny killers, especially killer dolls. I also have a soft spot for complete filth…so is it any wonder that I snatched up the DVD for Black Devil Doll as soon as I passed the booth at Frightmare?

I am not even exaggerating – Black Devil Doll is utterly filthy. The only film that’s filthier is Pink Flamingos and that’s only because of the actual shit-eating and pretend (maybe?) bestiality. (Keep in mind, I haven’t seen Human Centipede yet.) Black Devil Doll stopped short of those two filth standards, but don’t let that disappoint you – there was plenty of filth to be had.

Black Devil Doll is inhabited by the spirit of an executed black militant serial killer, summoned by a bored girl playing with a Ouija Board. (Is it odd that my only personal experience with a Ouija Board was at a church lock-in? Who brings a Ouija Board to a church? Don’t worry, our summoning didn’t work.) Of course, the bored girl immediately starts blowing Black Devil Doll…isn’t that what you’d do? She falls in love with Black Devil Doll, but it all goes to shit when he decides he wants some strange. I could tell you about all the filthy things that Black Devil Doll does, but that would make it that less shocking. I’ll throw you a bone…that little fucker flushes the toilet while a girl is in the shower. If that isn’t evil, I don’t know what is.

The DVD had lots of features – animated shorts, picture galleries and a couple of commentary tracks. There’s an audience reaction track – I’m curious if it’s just the sound of people vomiting then walking out of the film in disgust. There’s also the strangest anti-piracy public service announcement I’ve ever seen.

Black Devil Doll is Rated X, so it’s unlikely to show up on cable…but Netflix has it, so it isn’t too hard to find. Not for the faint of heart – lots of boobies and blood – but I promise you’ll be laughing the whole time.

Deliverance

Starring Ned “Weeeea Weeeea” Beatty!

Sorry, that’s a habit I picked up from my college film professor – I am unable to refer to Ned Beatty in any other way – he’s not Lex Luthor’s sidekick and although I liked him in Ed and His Dead Mother, Ned will always make me think of hillbilly buttsex.

Ah, the subject of hillbilly buttsex…although popularized by Quentin Tarantino in Pulp Fiction, its true roots are in the Georgia back-country, hiding among the gorges and riverbanks, not in an L.A. Pawnshop. I have to wonder though, was that a banjo I saw hanging on Zed and Maynard’s wall?

You sure got a purty mouth, boy....

Because of this film, the sound of banjos has become synonomous with hillbillies, moonshine and anal violation. I once dated a guy in High School that played Dueling Banjos on the stereo as we were driving to the movies – to see Amos and Andy, no less. Even though I had not seen Deliverance at that point in my life, I knew enough to not have a second date.

Hillbillies and banjo music have been enjoying a rennaisance these days, mostly due to the success of O Brother, Where Art Thou? Hillbilly buttsex, however, is not.

I never noticed until last night, how similar Deliverance is to another of Boorman’s films – The Emerald Forest. Of course, the natives of The Emerald Forest aren’t so inclined towards buttsex, but the Markham’s struggle against the river and the natives echoed that of the men of Deliverance. The theme of Industrial Destruction also ran heavily through both films, though the messages were very different – the destruction of the native people of the rainforest was depicted as tragic, while the destruction of the Hillbilliies’ natural habitat was seen as a godsend…I could go on for hours about these two films, side by side, but I won’t…although it makes me wonder if there were some similar elements that I missed in Excalibur…

As a side note, Russ hates this movie – he flat out refused to watch it again last night. Not that I mind – I should have been more concerned about the ex-boyfriend who did like the movie…enough to pick it for our film series, anyway.

This is the first film that I have been able to review that was a part of the doomed No Elvis Film Series. It was a small little venture ran mainly by myself, my ex and Professor Sean. As you can see from the flyer above, it was about as serious as a barrel of syphilitic monkeys – and just as fun! I hope to be able to review more of our picks, mostly so I can have an excuse to show off our wacky publicity posters.

  

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

I am now stupider for having watched this.

Admittedly, I laughed my ass off while I was watching The Klumps, but I felt so bad about it afterwards. Any scene with the Klumps in it was hilarious – but any scene without them was just boring – especially the ones with Buddy Love. The Buddy Love character was decent in the first film – a real character – but Buddy Love was just a stupid charicature in this one…a very annoying one at that.

Eddie Murphy has reached the pinnacle of how much he can entertain me personally. I am not too much of an Eddie Murphy fan, unless of course it is Saturday Night Live…or maybe The Golden Child. Grandma Klump is some scary ass shit. Eddie Murphy himself…ehh, I can do without.

The hamster rape will haunt me for the rest of my life. I think they had an extra joke left over from Dr. Doolittle and they couldn’t bear to part with it.

Yeah, Janet Jackson would marry Professor Klump. Sure. That was only slightly more likely than ANY of the pseudo-scientific bullshit that was in that film….I am not even going to go into the DNA extraction scene…

Chris Elliot was in this film and DID NOT EVEN HAVE A LINE!!!!! Blasphemy…

Wait until it comes on cable….and ponder how this 106 minute fart joke got a PG-13 rating.

 

American History X

This movie is fucking harsh.

I finally got to see the first half of this film last weekend. I had seen the last half at Mike Z’s several months ago, before going to Ellum. Suffice it to say, I did not get the whole effect of the film until I had seen the whole thing. I got the main idea of Derek’s rehabilitation, but I had no idea how far he had to go to rehabilitate…

If you’ve read my review of Fight Club, then I don’t need to bore you with a rehash of my desire to sex Edward Norton. Let’s just say my desire has increased after viewing this one, but in a totally different way. In Fight Club, I was attracted to the emotional vulnerability and personality of Jack. In American History X, it’s all hard core sex appeal. Hot sex. (Please refer to my review of The Mummy for my love of bald guys and I don’t know where I mentioned how I feel about tattoos, but I’m sure I have…) Anyway, between the sex scene in the beginning and the shower scene at the end (NO! Not that one!) I had shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks…not to mention what I did later that night…did I say that outloud? That’s a bad knobby! BAD KNOBBY!

Seriously, I really appreciated the message that the film was trying to put forth. I didn’t get it after seeing just half of it and I really didn’t get it all the way until I was talking about the film with Lisa. She pointed this out to me. It can all be summed up in the last thing Derek says in the film – “What did I do? What did I do?” He’s taking responsibility for all that’s happened to him and his family and not blaming it on blacks, whites, or even society in general. He finally realized what hate is and what it does. And it was his hate that did it.

Not for the faint of heart, I would strongly recommend it…though it’s not a good date movie.

Six stitches…hehehehe…