Cult of Chucky

Poor Andy. It’s really hard to get laid when your childhood was ruined by a killer doll.

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Kudos to Chucky (?) For bringing back the original Andy! There’s a bit of meta-power to bringing back the originals…although I would’ve loved a scene that also involved his one-time stand-in, Justin Whalin.

It takes a while to figure out what’s going on, with the going back and forth between Andy and Nica. Once their worlds collide, it becomes a total mindfuck. I’ve got to hand it to Don Mancini, there’s a method to his madness. The whole timeline kind of makes sense. I don’t want to say anything that will give more of the plot away – it’s just too twisted and bizarre. One thing I will say, Cult of Chucky somehow captured the zeitgeist of 2017 by calling out sexual misconduct against women. There are several scenes of sexual abuse that seem to horrify even Chucky himself, which is really saying something. Maybe Don Mancini knew the #ROSEARMY was coming?

I could have lived my whole life without seeing a grown woman breastfeeding a Chucky doll. Just sayin’.

My children have come to the end of their Chucky adventure. They – especially Lily – want to know when the next one is coming out. I don’t know if or when another Chucky is being made, but I hope it is soon. I really want to know what happens after that mindfuck of an ending!

Child’s Play 3

The kids just can’t get enough of Chucky!

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After what I imagine is dozens of foster homes, poor Andy is now 16 and in military school. It’s rather disappointing that the film spends more time showing Andy being bullied by his commanding officer than by Chucky. We want Chucky, not Full Metal Jacket!

I was so sad that they replaced the original Andy (Alex Vincent) with a teenage Andy (Justin Whalin). I can’t watch Whalin in anything without thinking of his Serial Mom role as Scotty the Wanker…

It says a lot about my son that he was way more scared of the Military School Barber, than any scene with Chucky. He’s very protective of his glorious locks. Now I know what to threaten him with…

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A CARNIVAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST? Please someone explain this to me, because I do not understand. The cadets are camping out for a paintball war-game and all of a sudden, they’re getting chased by Chucky in a haunted house. Cheesy horror movies don’t have to make complete sense…but a little sense would be nice?

Easily the most boring Chucky film to date. Yawn.

Child’s Play 2

One kid wanted to go see Daddy’s Home 2 and the other one wanted to go see Thor: Ragnarok. Obviously, the only sensible compromise was to take them home and force them to watch Child’s Play 2.

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After the events of the first film, the mom is in the nut hatch and Andy is in foster care. His case worker (Grace Zabriskie AKA Sarah Palmer!) sends him to live with Jenny Agutter and the tough chick from 90210. Jenny Agutter is the worst foster mother on the planet – she sends Andy to school with a fucking egg salad sandwich. It’s like she wants him to be beat up!

In their infinite wisdom, the toy corporation responsible for the Good Guys dolls decide to “fix” Chucky. So then Chucky decides to “fix” Andy…but the cutthroat world of foster care has made Andy a tough little motherfucker…

Honestly, I spent most of the film explaining 90s fashion to my kids…They had so many questions about why people were dressed like that. The hardest one to explain were the slouch socks – no, they are NOT leg warmers. Yes, it’s way more sock than any one person needs.

My kids didn’t agree on whether this one was better than the first one or not…I told therm to buckle up, because we still have 5 Chucky movies to go…

Child’s Play

The time has come…for my children to become men. Well, maybe just one of them – not the daughter.

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Texas Frightmare Weekend has already announced ‘A Celebration of Chucky’ for 2018, so I’ve got to get the kids prepared. Logan got to meet Chris Sarandon last year, so he’s already got a head start. Plus, the two new films – Curse of Chucky and Cult of Chucky – just dropped on cable for Halloween. I filled up my DVR with ALL the Chucky movies over the past month, but I fucked up and missed half of the first one, so I had to run to Wal-Mart and purchase it for $5. It came with a cool-ass horror movie coloring book, so it was totally worth it!

Every time I see that breakfast scene, I cringe. How does she not murder that little shit? Maybe single moms love their kids more. He’s such a whiny little bitch.

I forgot just how long it took for the murdering to start. The kids were bored up to that point, but the were riveted as soon as he took on his trademark snarl and started murdering. What’s funny about kids – they were far more offended by the mom nearly being raped by a hobo, than the fact that this doll is murdering everyone in sight. Precious.

I forgot about the fly decor in the Voodoo Guy’s crib…I’ve definitely been inspired.

So…after watching, I find out that my daughter has a phobia about giant dolls. She said that she’ll be surprised if she doesn’t have nightmares. I forgot that she was terrified of her babysitter’s My Size Barbie. Oops.

Oh, I neglected to mention that I had my son listen to ‘Chuckie’ by The Geto Boys on the way back from Wal-Mart. He said, “That was…interesting.” These kids today, they just don’t understand the hood.

Stan Helsing

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It’s like a horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Not so fast…it’s not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that’s not Freddy, it’s Fweddy…and why is he wearing Flavor Flav’s clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that’s why.

Stan Helsing is loosely parodying Van Helsing, except Stan isn’t hunting vampires and werewolves – he’s hunting 80s horror movie characters. Stan works at Schlockbuster Video (like I did!) and on Halloween night, he is ordered to drop off some videos to the owner’s mother. Stan talks his best friend (SNL’s Kenan Thompson) into detouring to make the delivery while on the way to a Halloween party. That’s when things started to get fucked up.

I was expecting a comedy, but wasn’t expecting the full Scary Movie parody treatment. In fact, if it was made by the Producers of Scary Movie, why didn’t they just call it Scary Movie 5? Licensing maybe?

There was one scene that terrified me more than anything I’ve seen recently…the scene where the Stripper/Massage Therapist is stuck in a pipe and a mouse crawls all over her vagina. Yeah, she’s wearing underwear, but that thing was sniffing and scratching and poking everywhere…If Freddy, I mean Fweddy, was gonna give me nightmares, THAT’S what would send me over the edge – vermin in my vagina. (I wonder what would happen if I google “vermin in my vagina”? Let’s see what the first result is… Holy. Fucking. Shit.)

About half the film is really lame, especially the karaoke ending – but the other half is actually pretty funny. I’d rather watch Stan Helsing 100 times than have watch Van Helsing again just once.

 

Seed of Chucky

As we were sitting in the dark, waiting for the previews to begin, I was put in the position of rationalizing why I felt it was necessary to go see Seed of Chucky on opening weekend. I tried to explain what a big deal it was – that it was like Lord of the Rings. My husband said that was the “most asinine thing I have ever heard you say.” (Not as big an insult as you would think – he says that to me all the time. What can I say? I sometimes tend towards the asinine.) I then changed tack slightly to say that I wanted Seed of Chucky to outgross Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. Yeah…he laughed at me – but who has the last laugh NOW? Chucky grossed $8,774,520, while Bridget only grossed $8,684,055. In your face, Renee Zellwuhuzajigger! You got served by a KILLER DOLL!

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Seed of Chucky lived up to my expectations and more. Picking up 5 years after Bride of Chucky, we find that the “baby” Tiffany shat out was rescued and taken to Merry Old England to perform as a ventriloquist’s dummy in a freak show. (I guess that was the best way to explain why Shithead sounds like a British Hobbit?) After seeing “Chucky” and “Tiffany” on TV promoting their new film, Shithead realizes that they must be his parents, escapes and mails himself to Hollywood, where he brings them back to life. Then the fun begins…

As with most dolls, the Seed of Chucky AKA Shithead is not anatomically correct. This leads to some interesting ‘Glen or Glenda’ scenes – Ed Wood would have been proud, as would Norman Bates. (As a matter of fact, why DO Chucky and Tiffany have genitals, anyway? Did they add an extra verse to the voodoo spell to ensure genitalia? Surely, the Good Guys dolls were not manufactured with a penis?)

Although the genitalia question remains unanswered, many other questions are answered by the end of this film. What reading material does Chucky prefer as a spank aid? Fangoria, of course. What is the average duration of a Voodoo Pregnancy? 2 days, give or take. (I missed the boat on that one, let me tell you.) Does Britney Spears appear in this film? No, but the explosion of the Britney lookalike is just as satisfying. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to see a killer doll do Kung Fu? Yes, it definitely is hilarious.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention – JOHN WATERS! John Waters plays a slimy tabloid photographer who meets a gruesome end. This is me squeeing with delight!

Although wrapping up nicely, just enough room is left in the ending to justify another sequel. I’ll be sad indeed if it takes another six years to make it to the screen.

Bride of Chucky

Should have been called ‘Chucky gets stoned, kills Jack Tripper, then he gets laid.’ That pretty much sums it up.

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By far the best of the four Child’s Play movies. Just like the Leprechaun, Chucky has turned into a comedic figure rather than a scary one. There is nothing scary about a doll (or puppets like in those crappy Puppetmaster movies for that matter) or a leprechaun or anything under three feet tall. (Except for that doll in Trilogy of Terror – another thing entirely…) Comedy has become the logical direction for horror movies in the last couple of years – The cycle is repeating itself. Shortly after the true renaissance of horror films – the 1920s and 1930s, the Universal monsters were no longer scary and so came films such as Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein and a whole manner of comedy-horror films. And now slasher films like Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street have become de rigeur…but the sequels make just enough cash to keep them going, but the writers have run out of seriously scary ways to kill people. But seriously funny ways to kill people is a market that hasn’t yet been tapped…

Jennifer Tilly reads ‘Voodoo for Dummies’ and resurrects her old lover, trapped in a Chucky Doll for the last ten years or so. She realizes that Chucky did not intend to marry her before she dies, she traps him in a playpen and she buys him a doll ‘girlfriend.’ Chucky escapes, kills Tilly and she becomes trapped in the female doll. Tilly gets a Barbie makeover and arranges for her neighbor to take them both (as dolls) to New Jersey to exhume Chucky’s human body for the Voodoo medallion that let them become human again. And this is where the film becomes the road movie to Hell.

Probably the 4th funniest film I saw in 1998 – immediately behind Orgazmo, There’s Something About Mary and BASEketball.