Leprechaun Returns

 

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A direct sequel to the first Leprechaun, would you be surprised to hear that Jennifer Aniston is nowhere to be found?

You know who WAS around from the first film? Ozzie, better known as Francis in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Turns out that Jennifer Aniston’s character died of cancer, so her daughter comes back to the VERY SAME HOUSE, which is now an environmentally conscious sorority house. It’s exactly 25 years later, and very bad Leprechaun things start to happen…

I was ready to be fiercely loyal to Warwick Davis’s portrayal of our Leprechaun hero, but it turns out that the new Leprechaun, played by Linden Porco, was pretty consistent with the OG Leprechaun. He was silly and brutal and full of limericks.

This one character gets stoned and yells at goats. I feel that in my bones. She also takes a Leprechaun selfie – that must be some goooood shit. And then this other guy takes a leprechaun selfie – and he wasn’t even high. What the fuck is wrong with kids today?

There were some good chuckles in this one, like when the Leprechaun finds some Crocs and gets offended. He wasn’t impressed by their Prius either.

Unlike the abominable Leprechaun: Origins, Leprechaun Returns is a throwback to the original Leprechaun films and is a worthy installment in the series. There are a few major laughs and a few truly stomach churning moments.

Re-Animator

 

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Re-Animator was another film featured in Eli Roth’s History of Horror, so of course, my kids had to see it. On top of that, there’ll be a Re-Animator reunion at Texas Frightmare Weekend this year, with Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbott and Barbara Crampton in attendance. Since I already met Jeffrey Combs at one of his appearances years ago, I’ll probably skip his line this year – but I think it gives the kids a thrill to just walk by these actors and recognize them from their works.

Loosely based on a H.P. Lovecraft story that I’ve never read, Re-Animator is the tale of Dr. Herbert West and his quest to reanimate the dead. It’s not hyperbole to say that Herbert West is Jeffrey Combs’ most iconic role and the one he’s most known for. His frantic, erratic energy is contagious. As Lily said, “Ugh, he’s just as weird as he was in The Frighteners.” She did not like him at all. Probably because of Rufus…

I’d forgotten about how creepy and rapey Dr. Hill was – I think he scared the kids more than Herbert West! I also forgot about his, um…lick rape? Is that what you call it? We were all rooting for his comeuppance.

More than 30 years later, Re-Animator is still a suspenseful thrill ride, filled with gallons and gallons of blood. Good thing there are some sequels I can find for the kids!

Revenge of the Nerds

I have to watch Revenge of the Nerds every single time it comes on TV. Obsession? Compulsion? Attraction? All of the above?

I have been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to decide which nerd I love the most – and I can’t do it. I love them all – from Lewis’ annoying laugh to Booger’s boogers to Lamar’s limp little wrists.

Funny, this movie has always colored my perception of college life. I was pretty much sold that college would be something like a cross between Revenge of the Nerds and Animal House with a little bit of learning thrown in. Imagine my surprise when it turns out that the university that I chose is entirely inhabited by NERDS. Ha. Don’t get me wrong, there were fraternities and sororities – and for the most part, they were laaa-aa-ame and totally ineffectual. They were more likely to come out of the closet than beat someone up. They did dumb things like making each other drink whole gallons of milk and making pledges drink pee. There were even a few date rapes…but it wasn’t anything like the movies. By and large, everyone ignored them – because the nerds definitely held the balance of power…and the super-joints.

Speaking of super-joints…I’ve got to lay my cards on the table – I dated Booger. (Thank you, whoever pointed that out to me – probably April or Erin.) I don’t mean that he picked his nose…more like his personality and appearance…and super-joints. Obviously, I did not realize this at the time. I am not so much deeply ashamed, as confused by my behavior. Again, I blame the super-joints.

Coincidentally, I had never seen the uncut version until college. Up until then, I had only seen the edited for TV version. Freshman year, the guy next door (who was also my Peer Advisor) had never seen it, so we rented it. I was kind of taken off guard by all the nudity and drug use – I had no idea it was even in there. It was AMAZING, although Betty Childs was kind of scrawny. He didn’t seem overly offended, but wasn’t impressed either. I didn’t understand his non-reaction to this classic of 80s cinema. I totally didn’t fuck him. Loser.

 

Sorority Boys

Well. I think I have come to an important conclusion. Any movie that comes on at 9ish on a Sunday night will be crap. Most of them are so crappy that they don’t even rate reviews. (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, I’m looking at you.) A few are pretty stinky, but still good enough to rate me spending a few hours writing about them. Thir13en Ghosts rated a few weeks ago, as does Sorority Boys.

I wanted it to be as funny as Revenge of the Nerds, Animal House or even PCU. I would have settled for Van Wilder or Old School. Unfortunately, what I got was something about on par with Road Trip. Oh well, at least it was better than Dead Man on Campus.

The most disturbing thing about watching this film was that my husband was laughing WAY more than I was. How could this be possible? He doesn’t laugh at any film we watch together. Uh, nevermind – that’s probably because he usually picks the films we watch and science fiction isn’t funny. The few comedies we have watched together rarely rate more than a smile. Or maybe he just thinks that men in drag are the epitome of comedy. Who knows…

Barry Watson needs to figure out a niche in Hollywood and quick! 7th Heaven can only carry you so far, especially if your balding as fast as he is. Between Sorority Boys and Teaching Mrs. Tingle, he better get ready for a long career in 7th Heaven Reunion Specials.

Speaking of the bald, what the fuck was up with Michael Rosenbaum’s wig? Not the wig he wore as a chick, that was fine – the weird fuzzy wig he wore as a dude. What the hell was that? A dead chipmunk? We all know he’s bald underneath – you can’t grow that much hair in the few weeks he had off from Smallville to film this. What kind of pussyhound frat boy has a dead chipmunk on his head? If there was only a Hollywood Bad Wig Hall of Fame.

So, when will Harland Williams get his own sitcom? He’s at least as funny as the rest of the cast of Half Baked. Dave Chappelle’s already got his own show. When is it Harland’s turn? (No, hosting Premium Blend after Jim Breuer left does not count!)

Oh yeah, I guess I should talk about the movie. Standard Some Like it Hot plotline – three dudes dress like chicks in order to hide from assholes and/or have a cheap place to live. Hilarity ensues, the guys become more sensitive and they inevitably get closer to the women they cohabitate with. Lots of dildos. Lots of gay sex jokes. Suspicious lack of Seann William Scott, the HoYay! King.

Old School

This movie was so totally sweet that it made me want to crap my pants!

I seriously regret not going to see Old School last weekend instead of Shanghai Knights. I wouldn’t have wasted my $7.50 and I would have gotten to see Old School twice. At least I got to see the trailer for Willard again.

Way better than Road Trip. Road Trip was funny and semi-shocking, but mostly it was just silly stereotypes. Old School seemed to be a more mature effort – and I don’t just mean that the characters were older. There seemed to be a sincere effort by Todd Phillips to make a more entertaining film this time around.

Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn were hilarious. Luke Wilson was okay – and I’m probably just saying this because he’s hot – but I don’t think it was his fault. Mitch Martin was a throwaway character that could have been played by anyone from Ben Affleck to Tobey Maguire to Mike Meyers. Jeremy Piven was the best of all, playing the snotty Dean Pritchard. I don’t have to point out the irony of that casting, do I?

Everyone knows I can’t get enough of Andy Dick. Blech. His cameo was damn funny though. He’s started quite a cottage industry for himself with cameos. Road Trip, Zoolander, Dude, Where’s My Car?, blah, blah, blah…Speaking of Dude, Seann William Scott also had a cameo…which confirms my theory about his sexuality – did I really need to see him getting tongue from Will Ferrell?

There was way too much of Will Ferrell’s ass in this film. Couldn’t he have worked out before filming? There was definitely too much of that black guy’s ass, too. Would it have been too much to ask to just catch a glimpse of Luke Wilson’s ass? Please?

That fucking Dust in the Wind song is still stuck in my head. It didn’t help that I heard it again today while we were shopping at Kohl’s. Fucking Kansas.

Go see this now. I’m looking forward to the DVD – I’m expecting some deleted scenes that will make me lose my lunch.

Van Wilder

National Lampoon is back – and they’re out for blood!

The National Lampoon franchise has been in decline for a number of years. The last one I even bothered to see was Senior Trip, which I never get tired of for some reason. In a bid to regain new followers and possibly win back some of the older crowd that loved Animal House, Van Wilder has been created to fill the shoes that Eric Stratton left behind.

It would be boring and DONE BEFORE to simply compare Van Wilder to Animal House. Of course, there are similarities – that’s the whole point. There are similarities to a number of recent campus comedies of late – Road Trip, Dead Man on Campus…the list goes on and on. What I really see is a simple cross-pollination of two movies – Billy Madison and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Van Wilder’s got the cult of personality of Ferris Bueller and the school issues and fear of growing up of Billy Madison. Throw a bit of Real Genius and Back to School and that’s the entire script.

Not that it wasn’t fun – Van Wilder has now surpassed American Pie and Road Trip as the grossest comedy ever. I had nightmares about the dog jizz donuts. I’ll bet that dog could give Walt Flannigan’s dog a run for the money! I was less impressed by the colon blow episode – it was done better in American Pie. The old lady seduction was also very similar to one in Kingpin – was that the same old broad? All in all, there were very few new gags, but there is only so much the American censors will take before the reviled NC-17 is bestowed.

The one thing wrong with the film was Tara Reid. Have I told you how much I hate Tara Reid? I mentioned it in my review of Josie and the Pussycats – she is just repulsive. Besides the obvious flatness to all characters she has ever played – she is scary looking. She has the body of a twelve year old boy – how that could ever inspire an erection is beyond me.

Another disappointment was the supposedly “unrated” DVD version I saw – what was so unrated about it? I am guessing that some of the “bonus” footage was that of the doggie love scene and maybe some dirty talk…but it wasn’t the big deal it was supposed to be. I was confused as to how the unrated topless tutor scene was so…unrated. Now if the guy would have been naked….

Worth borrowing from a friend…I wonder if PETA protested those prosthetic doggie nads?