Children of the Corn (1984)

 

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Yes, yes…I KNOW they remade Children of the Corn several years ago…but WHY would I watch THAT when I can torture my kids with the original?

The kids and I had a lively discussion as to whether Isaac or Malachi was creepier. I was steadfastly on team Isaac, because he talked like a Televangelist and clearly had the face of an old man (duh, the actor was a very short adult), but the kids said Malachi, mostly because of the ginger mullet. Even my husband piped up for team Malachi, claiming that Malachi was the origin of claim that gingers have no soul. Isaac wore that scary ass hat, like the preacher in Poltergeist 2…Isaac also rose from the dead after his ride on the rocket powered corn crucifix.

I forgot about the rocket powered corn crucifix…that is my favorite part!

My least favorite part? I was super scared by the tunneling under the dirt when I was a kid…that scared the bejeesus out of me and it STILL raises goosebumps when I see it.

Not only does Amazon Prime Movies have the original to watch, but ALL of the sequels…I don’t think I can handle all that corn.

Midsommar

 

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Of all the casualties of COVID-19, one of the most painful losses has been my desire to write…at the very moment I’ve been watching more films than any point in at least the past decade, I lost all desire to write about them. Part of the issue was that I haven’t been watching much of substance…but Midsommar changed all of that.

There is SO MUCH to unpack in Midsommar. It’s not your average “scary movie” – in fact, it’s not scary at all. It’s more like a trip to IKEA on mushrooms….if you’re not in the right state of mind when you start, you’re gonna have a bad time. (The same is true about shrooms and IKEA each on their own, I guess?) “Suspenseful” is a better description, because with every Swedish atrocity performed, you are incredulous and wondering how far they will go. There’s definitely some gore, but the gore isn’t what will shock you. For example, my kids were far more grossed out by the pube pot pie, than by the blood eagle.

I will point out that every time I said that “Christian is a shitty boyfriend,” my husband responded that all the characters are shitty and unlikeable. That may be true…but Christian is extra shitty.

By the end…I was straight up cackling (just like you, Andrew Delaney). Maybe it’s my dark sense of humor…or maybe it’s that I’m about 1/4 Swedish? Or maybe it’s because I understood Dani’s struggle? It’s hard to be surrounded with people who don’t “hold” you. I feel like my college relationship was a lot like Dani’s…too bad we went to Amsterdam instead of Harga.

So…this is obviously not a very long or a very complete review…baby steps.

The kids really liked it, I think. My daughter kept saying, “This movie is weird,” but she didn’t give up on watching. They are demanding Hereditary next…I cannot say no to sampling more Ari Aster. Also, a shout-out to Eli Roth’s History of Horror – his show has given the kids a horror watch list a mile long. I started them on Cabin Fever and they were laughing and screaming. My son is wanting to go straight to the hard stuff – Audition, etc…but again, baby steps…