Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies

There has been nothing on my TV but the Winter Olympics for the last 2 weeks…so why not just go with it and watch a movie full of Snowboarders? I’m talking Mountain Dew, baby!

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Obviously, I was drawn in by the title of the movie – Lederhosen Zombies! I was disappointed to find there was exactly ONE Lederhosen Zombie, although there were quite a few Dirndl Zombies. Attack of the Dirndl Zombies just doesn’t have the same ring to it?

I guess there could be hidden lederhosen underneath the guy’s Snowboarder gear…devil’s advocate, ya know. And yes, I said Snowboarder gear. The film is Snowboarders vs. Zombies. Not just people, there are also zombie deer. Those zombie deer are fucking horrifying!

I noticed a few nods to classic horror deaths. Death by Espresso Machine was previously seen in Leprechaun 2. There was a nice Lost Boys moment as a lederhosen zombie was impaled on antlers, with our “hero” quoting, “Nice rack.” There’s a push snowblower scene that’s awesomely reminiscent of the lawnmower scene in Dead Alive. Dead Alive is a good yardstick for the level of gore and ridiculousness in Lederhosen Zombies – it’s at THAT level. It’s fucking great.

My husband warned that it’s a dumb waste of time, but I enjoyed the Lederhosen-less Zombies. It would be great for a family movie night.

Zombies Vs. Strippers

We had a difficult decision tonight…Zombies Vs. Strippers or The Tale of the Voodoo Prostitute. I know…how on earth did we choose?

Zombies Vs. Strippers is about a zombie invasion in a strip club, not to be confused with Zombie Strippers, a movie in which the strippers are actual zombies. Other than that, the films are pretty similar…titties and zombies, zombies and titties.

I didn’t realize it until after we had finished watching it, but the film is actually kind of Tarantino-esque. I don’t mean the fact that it takes place in a Tiki-themed strip club called the Tough Titty, as much as the tone and the way characters interact. Besides the violence, all of stripper music was Surf Rock, although I was POSITIVE that all strippers danced to ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ (Just goes to show how long it has been since I’ve been in a titty bar.) In addition, one of the characters was a born again biker named Red Wings (yes, it means EXACTLY what you think it means) and he was spouting religious nonsense. The black stripper was basically an amalgamation of every Pam Greer character from the 70s. There were multiple Mexican Standoffs…and really, who can see a Mexican Standoff without thinking Tarantino?

Zombies are almost to the point of overdone right now, so I get REALLY excited when I see something new when it comes to zombies. Zombies Vs. Strippers did show me something new…zombies actually eating each other while having sex. Not eating like 69, but actually biting pieces of flesh off of each other. It was pretty damn funny.

It was mercifully short at 75 minutes, short even for a Full Moon picture. There were funny moments, but the beginning was painfully slow. I do recommend the film though, even if it’s just for the dancing Michael Jackson zombie.

Zombie Strippers!

They really didn’t need to do a lot to make Jenna Jameson look like a zombie, did they?

Jenna Jameson stars as one of the titular stripper zombies. She becomes zombified after being attacked mid-dance by an infected soldier with a weapons grade virus. Maybe weapons grade isn’t the right term – the virus was designed by the military to use on our own soldiers so they could keep on fighting after death. The virus is a little sensitive – it remains pure in females – Jenna is still able to strip and read Nietzsche after becoming a zombie. However, when passed through a male, the virus mutates and the zombies go berserk. Let me be clear – the literary stripper zombies still eat people, they just ramble on about existentialism after they do it.

Existentialism is an underlying theme in Zombie Strippers. Jenna quotes Nietzsche to the other strippers…poorly. The strip club is located in Sartre, Nebraska – how cute. There are also several very boring scenes of strippers having existentialist conversations on whether to become zombies or not. The scenes would actually be better satire without the existentialist overtones – an honest assessment of whether decay is worth stripping glory would have been much funnier.

I felt kind of gypped watching Zombie Strippers on SpikeTV. Notwithstanding the blurring of Jenna’s boobtacular appendages, I can only stand people calling each other “snothead” for so long. Speaking of blurry appendages – Jenna was the only one that got topless anyway, except the redhead with pasties, which wasn’t blurred anyway. How hard is it to find bimbos willing to go topless in a horror flick? What the fuck? At least they didn’t cut out the ping-pong ball/billiard ball scene. Zombie Jenna performs the same trick that Winona Ryder performed in this film…

Robert Englund is the only other well known star in Zombie Strippers – he’s carved out a nice little niche for himself, starring in B Horror Movies. (Now that he’s been replaced in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, what else is he going to do?) I liked his role here, as the germophobic strip club owner, better than the last one I saw him in, the cannibalistic patriarch in 2001 Maniacs. Maybe it’s because the Zombie Strippers get him in most unpleasant way I have EVER seen in a zombie flick – and I have seen a LOT of zombie flicks. I’m not going to ruin it for you, it must be experienced first hand. (I will say that I’m SO glad that this film wasn’t made in Smell-O-Vision.)

Yes, they definitely left it open for a sequel. Let’s see this zombie sex worker thing go in a different direction. How about Zombie Massage Parlor? “Every massage comes with a not-so-happy ending!” Or how about they take the virus to Amsterdam for Zombie Red Light District? Or keep it local with the Zombie Chicken Ranch? Damnit, Zombies + Chickens has already been done before!


The Midnight Hour

I rarely review TV movies – in fact, this is my first – but as this was one of the formative films of my childhood, I thought I’d break the rules a little bit.

Halloween 1985. I was in 4th grade at Holleman Elementary. All my friends had seen the movie and it was a source of constant speculation for weeks. “What exactly had Vernon Nestor done that was so bad?” “How come Sandy was the only one not decayed?” “So Lucinda is a witch AND a vampire?” “What is wrong with Mary? Phil is so cute!” It was even the subject of my obsession for years afterwards, mostly because I had taped it one subsequent Halloween. I even forced my college roommates to watch it – sadly, they were more impressed by the silly 80s commercials on my tape than the actual movie. Imagine my dismay when the tape finally gave out and busted. Of course, the tape was at least ten years old and had been watched hundreds of times – but I was seriously bummed. I think I had Transylvania 6-5000 and Earth Girls are Easy on that tape, too. Then comes the magic of DVD! Just last year, The Midnight Hour was released on DVD. Oh, I got it alright, it’s sitting there on my shelf, wedged between Meet the Feebles and Mortal Kombat.

Why in the world do I love this film so much? I couldn’t tell you. It’s cheesy and stupid. The plot is hopelessly romantic, yet tragic at the same time. There’s a crazy Thriller rip-off dance number. There are werewolves, vampires and rotted corpses everywhere. Wait, the more I describe it, the better it sounds…

Let me touch on the cast – TV all the way. The star is Lee Montgomery, the hottie from Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. His buddies include Shari Belafonte-Harper (last seen on Babylon 5), LeVar Burton (Reading Rainbow guy, Geordi LaForge, Kunta Kinte), Peter DeLuise (21 Jump Street!!!) and Dedee Pfeiffer (a bunch of crappy TV shows). Red Forman, as crotchety as ever, even makes an appearance as the Police Captain.

The soundtrack is just amazing. Actually, the soundtrack is what made think of doing a review. On the way home from work, I put in my new Guess Who CD and on comes ‘Clap for the Wolfman.’ How silly is it to write a song about a DJ? Not quite as silly as having that same DJ actually perform in your song. Anyway, that’s one of the cool songs in the movie, not to mention the fact that Wolfman Jack’s DJ-ness makes an appearance as well. Other songs include ‘Li’l Red Riding Hood,’ ‘Devil or Angel’, ‘Bad Moon Rising,’ ‘Mama Told Me Not to Come,’ ‘Baby, I’m Yours’ and of course, the eponymous ‘Midnight Hour.’ Oh, and I forgot – ‘How Soon is Now?’ during a particularly nasty vampire attack – for years, I would freak out every time I heard it.

Below, you’ll notice quite a long list of accomplishments by the director, Jack Bender. I swear that I have seen at least half of those TV movies. He has also directed quite a few TV shows, from Eight is Enough to Beverly Hills, 90210 to Alias. And let’s not forget Child’s Play 3! The man is clearly an auteur…

There’s not much else I can say about the film, except to check it out.