Stan Helsing

Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface and Michael in a movie together? It’s like a horror fan’s wet dream, right?

Not so fast…it’s not really Jason, his name is Mason. And that’s not Freddy, it’s Fweddy…and why is he wearing Flavor Flav’s clock? Is that a yarmulke on Michael Myers head? And why is Pleatherface (not Leatherface) wearing a Coach Purse on his face? Because Stan Helsing is basically Scary Movie 5, that’s why.

Stan Helsing is loosely parodying Van Helsing, except Stan isn’t hunting vampires and werewolves – he’s hunting 80s horror movie characters. Stan works at Schlockbuster Video (like I did!) and on Halloween night, he is ordered to drop off some videos to the owner’s mother. Stan talks his best friend (SNL’s Kenan Thompson) into detouring to make the delivery while on the way to a Halloween party. That’s when things started to get fucked up.

I was expecting a comedy, but wasn’t expecting the full Scary Movie parody treatment. In fact, if it was made by the Producers of Scary Movie, why didn’t they just call it Scary Movie 5? Licensing maybe?

There was one scene that terrified me more than anything I’ve seen recently…the scene where the Stripper/Massage Therapist is stuck in a pipe and a mouse crawls all over her vagina. Yeah, she’s wearing underwear, but that thing was sniffing and scratching and poking everywhere…If Freddy, I mean Fweddy, was gonna give me nightmares, THAT’S what would send me over the edge – vermin in my vagina. (I wonder what would happen if I google “vermin in my vagina”? Let’s see what the first result is… Holy. Fucking. Shit.)

About half the film is really lame, especially the karaoke ending – but the other half is actually pretty funny. I’d rather watch Stan Helsing 100 times than have watch Van Helsing again just once.


A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

I didn’t have any nightmares…so disappointing. I was looking forward to waking up screaming in terror, as opposed to how I usually wake up screaming on a Sunday morning…screaming at my kids for trying to kill each other over the kitchen play set.

I’m NOT the type to get nightmares from scary movies, at least as an adult. But when I was a kid, commercials for the original Nightmare on Elm Street were my number one source of nightmares for quite a while. (Even though my dad let us watch fucked up horror movies on network TV – edited for content, but still scary as shit – my mom at least had enough sense to not let us rent the real thing until we were teenagers. In any case, I was grown before I saw the original, edited or uncut.) Freddy and Carrie kept me up for nights on end. I don’t even recall ever having a nightmare with Freddy in it, it was usually nightmares about the floors turning to goop and sinking into the floor. Or falling into the AC vents in the floor. I still shudder just thinking about nightmares I had over 25 years ago. That being said, the goopy floors ARE back for the remake, but they are not nearly as nightmare inducing.

The basic plot is the same as the original, except Freddy Krueger isn’t a child killer – he’s a child molestor. That makes him way creepier than a garden-variety murderer. The new Freddy make-up was also creepier – Jackie Earle Haley looked like a real burn victim. The original Freddy had Robert England’s very distinctive nose, so giving the new Freddy no nose was an easy was to differentiate the two. I didn’t mind those two changes, but I did mind the change to Freddy’s personality. They got rid of his sense of humor! The old Freddy would drown you in a waterbed and make a ‘wet dreams’ joke – or turn you into a cockroach. The new Freddy doesn’t have time for that shit, he just sneaks up on you and licks your ear. Scary? I guess so. Fun? Not hardly. Freddy didn’t have much of his trademark humor in the original film, but eliminating that aspect of his character entirely disappointed me. I like Freddy because he is a smart trickster, not a dumb,
shambling death machine like Jason and Michael.

I liked the new Nancy. She was vulnerable, but still tough. Trying to picture her as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo…maybe I should read the book first.

So they’ve remade all the greats. I’ve seen Chainsaw, but I have not yet seen Halloween or Friday the 13th. I’ll have to check them out soon to verify whether they’re as mediocre as I expect them to be. The problem with all these remakes – and many of the original horror movies released these days – is that they’ve amped up the gore with computer effects, but there has been less effort to improve the emotional impact of these horror films. Cabin Fever and Jeepers Creepers had a high gore factor, but still had high emotional impact…for me anyway. Then again, those films are 9-10 years old now and I’m having a hard time thinking of a more recent horror film that provides the whole package. I’m holding out hope for Human Centipede though…


Freddy Vs. Jason

Where was all the blood? There was more blood in the credit sequence than in the whole rest of the movie! I’ve been waiting for this movie for almost a decade and that’s all the blood I get?

Regardless, it was a decent flick. It was about what I had expected. Freddy was his usual witty self and Jason was his usual mute psychotic self. I expected Freddy to bit a bit funnier. Ronny Yu was responsible for Bride of Chucky, possibly one of the funniest slasher flicks ever made! There was definitely more humor to be had in this situation.

I was not prepared, however, to see Freddy the rapist. He was pretty nasty in previous films, but he was a total sex criminal in this one. It’s one thing for him to be banging a dead chick – it’s not necrophilia if you’re both dead – but he was really about to get it on with Lori. Man, I wish he would have!

Yes, that skank from Destiny’s Child dies. Unfortunately, it’s not soon enough for my taste. “How sweet, dark meat” has got to be one of the most bizarre things to ever come out of Freddy’s mouth.

The character of Freeburg is a total ripoff of Jay, as in Jay and Silent Bob. They made the character as much like Jay as the could without getting their asses sued off by Kevin Smith. And what was up with the Freddy Caterpillar? That was the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in a Freddy movie. If I was worried about Psycho Killers, the last thing I’d fucking do is accept a bong hit from a fucking caterpillar!

There will be a sequel. Notwithstanding the fact that the ending is left wide open for a sequel, the box office performance alone is ensuring that a sequel will be made. When was the last time a slasher flick was number one at the box office for 2 weeks in a row? I was probably still wetting the bed the last time that happened. Okay, maybe that’s not as narrow a time frame as I am looking for…Anyway, I’ve heard rumors that there has been talking of teaming Jason and Freddy up against Ash. Yes, that Ash. Evil Dead Ash. I doubt Bruce Campbell would ever go for it, but you never know if he might have some bills to pay. For my money, I’d like to see a full on Tag Team Death Match – Freddy and Jason Vs. Chucky and The Leprechaun. A girl can dream, can’t she?