Getting Schooled

The Breakfast Club meets Apocalypse Now – how’s that for a fucking amazing tagline?

The people who brought us The Haunted Trailer were back at Frightmare with another locally made horror film. I was tentatively afraid that Getting Schooled would be a rehash of Haunted Trailer, but it was totally different in tone and content. Lucky Chucky is no one-trick pony. Yes, it’s horror and yes, it’s funny…but there wasn’t a single fart joke in the whole film. Not even a church house squeaker.

A brain. A princess. A criminal. An athlete. A basket case. Yes, all accounted for in this detention class…a detention class in the 80s. (As an aside, the decrepit school used was excellent. If this school is still in service, I feel pity for the students that must cope with the creepy dark hallways on a daily basis.) It’s quite appreciated that the cast is much more diverse than John Hughes whitebread high school. They even mixed up the sexes a little, which was also appreciated. As the film starts off, each of the stereotyped characters acts as you would expect…but when things start getting scary and the characters are under pressure – each of them begins to show strengths outside of their stereotyped area. Of course, this also happens in The Breakfast Club, but I’d argue that in Getting Schooled, the stakes are higher and it’s easier to show how smart the criminal is or what a good leader the basket case is.

Without giving too much of the fun away, Tom Long is as horrifying as he is hilarious as the addled Mr. Roker. Who knew that a Vietnam Vet in a wheelchair could be so scary? (Actually, after all the time I’ve spent at the VA with my Dad over the past few months, I should hardly be surprised. I’ve seen some shit, man.) The single scariest part of Mr. Roker was the sound of his squeaky wheelchair, coming for blood. It’s right up there with “Ch Ch Ch Ch, Ah Ah Ah Ah” and creepy music boxes.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Ron Jeremy as the school’s janitor. It would have been great to see him in a larger role, but even a little hedgehog makes a film better.

The scenes with the principal were actually the funniest. He never interacts with the students, he just fucks around in his office all day…actually what I always envisioned. I knew they didn’t do shit. Oh! And he also called me a RETARD! I’m so fucking honored! (As part of their fundraising efforts last year, you could submit a headshot and the Production Team would give you an 80s makeover and put you in their yearbook . I thought it was just for a prop and forgot about it…but my 80s yearbook photo made into the film! So the principal could call ME a RETARD. Fame is fleeting…)

A solid horror film and somewhat rough around the edges…but the laughs and scares come at an even pace and I never felt bored. I was pleased in the order of the murders…they killed the most annoying characters first. Getting Schooled is currently showing at festivals and conventions, but hopefully it will be available on DVD and streaming soon. You need to see this flick!

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times – Paul Bunyan needs his own horror movie.

I’ve never said that. I’m fairly certain that NO ONE in the span of human history has EVER said that. But here I am, reviewing Paul Bunyan’s horror movie.

The big “star” is Grizzly Adams himself – Dan Haggerty. I would’ve assumed that he died a decade ago if I hadn’t seen him in person at Frightmare this year…promoting this VERY film. I hesitate to say that he’s the star of the film, since his total screen time is less than 5 minutes, but it IS the first and most exciting five minutes in the film. I even rewound my DVR to watch it again.

The only other “star” is Martin Sheen’s brother, Joe Estevez. I didn’t even know he had an actor brother? Joe plays the obligatory crazy mountain man.

About halfway through the film, the obligatory crazy mountain man starts to tell the story of Paul Bunyan and why he’s killing every one. My brain went, “fuck,” and I paused the DVR. I asked my son, “Do you know who Paul Bunyan is?” Sure as shit, my eight year old son had never even heard of Paul Bunyan. So I paused the movie right then and there, and made him watch this. That’s right, the entire 1958 Disney cartoon, available on YouTube. What are they teaching in school these days? How can a third grader not know about Paul Bunyan? I decry the state of public education!

This movie was a stinker. I hope SyFy comes out with a Pecos Bill movie that’s better.

  

The Haunted Trailer

Not enough farts. Definitely needed more farts.

Just kidding, there were plenty of farts in The Haunted Trailer – farts in practically every scene. I love farts. My best friend also loves farts. (When we get together with some Burger King Onion Rings…watch out!) My eight year old son loves farts, probably because he is eight years old, but also because he is my son. Really, who DOESN’T love farts? If you say you don’t love farts, you’re LYING. Farts make the world go around.

Oh yeah, we were talking about The Haunted Trailer…we were lucky enough to catch a showing at Frightmare a few weeks ago. Every year, it’s our goal to find a film that will equal Black Devil Doll. Last year, we were left disappointed, finding nothing that could equal the greatness of Mubia Abul-Jama. This year, we hit gold…brown gold. To think we almost missed The Haunted Trailer! We accidentally ended up in the showing of The Last Something of Rosalind Somebody and as soon as they started introducing it so earnestly as a masterpiece, we got the fuck out of there. Luckily, we didn’t miss any of The Haunted Trailer…

I’ll be honest, Ron Jeremy was the main draw for The Haunted Trailer. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about The Hedgehog. I’ll watch anything with The Hedgehog. We even own a copy of John Bobbitt Uncut. So it goes without saying that the Haunted Trailer was a must-see. We were pleasantly surprised at how hilarious it was. Even without Ron, it would have been a winner. Demons…trailer trash…farting – it’s like this film was made for us. A trailer trash family must battle a demon with a familiar name (well, familiar if you’ve ever drank the water in Mexico) that has taken up residence in their single-wide. I’ll leave the description at that – I don’t want to ruin the shocking lengths this family must go to to remove this demon from their home. You’ll laugh…you’ll groan…you’ll shit your pants.

I was proud to find out that this film was created right in my backyard. My heart swells with pride to know that there are other people like me, living stealthily in my community, making quality entertainment. We’re hidden in plain sight, taking our kids to the same parks as you, shopping at the same stores and eating at the same restaurants. The only difference is that when we have to fart, we don’t run to the bathroom and hide. No, we’re proud of our digestive systems. We don’t shy away from the amazing way our bodies have evolved to efficiently remove the build-up of methane. We let it rip, have a laugh and move on. Someday, there’ll be more of us than there are of you…

I can describe this film in one sentence. Pink Flamingos meets Poltergeist. When this film comes out on DVD, I’ll be shoving it down the throat of anyone I can find.

Black Devil Doll

I’ve always had a soft spot for tiny killers, especially killer dolls. I also have a soft spot for complete filth…so is it any wonder that I snatched up the DVD for Black Devil Doll as soon as I passed the booth at Frightmare?

I am not even exaggerating – Black Devil Doll is utterly filthy. The only film that’s filthier is Pink Flamingos and that’s only because of the actual shit-eating and pretend (maybe?) bestiality. (Keep in mind, I haven’t seen Human Centipede yet.) Black Devil Doll stopped short of those two filth standards, but don’t let that disappoint you – there was plenty of filth to be had.

Black Devil Doll is inhabited by the spirit of an executed black militant serial killer, summoned by a bored girl playing with a Ouija Board. (Is it odd that my only personal experience with a Ouija Board was at a church lock-in? Who brings a Ouija Board to a church? Don’t worry, our summoning didn’t work.) Of course, the bored girl immediately starts blowing Black Devil Doll…isn’t that what you’d do? She falls in love with Black Devil Doll, but it all goes to shit when he decides he wants some strange. I could tell you about all the filthy things that Black Devil Doll does, but that would make it that less shocking. I’ll throw you a bone…that little fucker flushes the toilet while a girl is in the shower. If that isn’t evil, I don’t know what is.

The DVD had lots of features – animated shorts, picture galleries and a couple of commentary tracks. There’s an audience reaction track – I’m curious if it’s just the sound of people vomiting then walking out of the film in disgust. There’s also the strangest anti-piracy public service announcement I’ve ever seen.

Black Devil Doll is Rated X, so it’s unlikely to show up on cable…but Netflix has it, so it isn’t too hard to find. Not for the faint of heart – lots of boobies and blood – but I promise you’ll be laughing the whole time.

Texas Frightmare Massacre

How does Parrish Randall know what dog vagina tastes like?

I guess there are just some questions that I’ll never know the answer to…although, I bet I could ask my 3 year old, because she won’t stop letting the dog lick her open mouth, no matter how much I scream at her. I guess I could try screaming at the dog, I don’t know what is more futile – screaming at a three year old human or a three year old dog.

Speaking of possibly unanswerable questions, was this DVD worth $20? Of course, it wasn’t MY $20, but my friend, Amy, did shell out $20 at Texas Frightmare Weekend, perhaps persuaded by the promise of a free Beavis & Butthead DVD from the goody box. The Director, Joe Francis, was in attendance and quite persuasive as well. We actually stood around and chatted with, um…harassed him and the other stars for about 30 minutes, while we were figuring out if we were going to actually wait in line to see Robert Englund (we didn’t). They were tolerant of what we thought there should be more of in Horror Films…sex with clowns and ass-birthing of midgets, which we may or may not have offered to participate in. This was a fucking funny group of guys, so that played into the purchase, at least a little bit.

This fucking funny group of guys actually made a fucking funny movie. Yeah, it’s a horror film, too – but mostly, it’s a comedy. I prefer comedy horror to straight horror these days…why am I saying ‘these days’? I’ve ALWAYS preferred comedy horror, whether it’s intentional (TROMA or Cannibal! or Chucky or even the Leprechaun) or unintentional (whether they involve Dinocrocs, Chupacabras or Mongolian Death Worms, I’m not picky) – I want to laugh, goddamit! And laugh we did…although it’s quite possible that we had a little help while watching.

The film actually takes place and was filmed at Texas Frightmare Weekend. Having just attended for the first time, we got a kick out of the festival footage. The story focuses on a nerdy fanboy attending the convention and a couple of newly trained security guards trying to track down a serial killer that’s preying on attendees and celebrities alike. The first big laugh is the infomercial on becoming a Security Guard. (I wonder if that’s how my dad got into the security business? I don’t know if he was into blowjobs from dudes, but he DID have a killer fucking mustache.)

The Security Guards’ boss was the funniest character in the film. He was a wimpy looking guy, but the voice that came out of his mouth was pure Drill Instructor. In fact, I was waiting for him to die in a blaze of glory, ala Full Metal Jacket, but Lyle the Security Guard had other plans…Horsey? (What the fuck was that about, anyway?) My husband intended to go to bed early and not have to sit through our giggling shits, but the Drill Instructor Security Boss sucked him in. He sat and watched until the Security Boss got murdered, then crawled in bed. He thought that Amy got her money’s worth just for the Security Boss. When I went to bed, he actually asked me what happened – shocking!

I didn’t quite expect so much nudity. Seriously, where did they find this girl, willing to spend most of her screen time butt ass nekkid in a small independent film? Did she do it for free? Will she get residuals from the DVD sales? If not, she should totally get a check for $1 from the proceeds of Amy buying this DVD! I demand that she be compensated for letting squirrelly assholes hump her on film! I am also pretty sure I saw some cock. Not a rooster, a penis.

The horsehead mask reminded me of the Horse Head Bookends Killer.

Remember when I said that I fucking hate happy endings? I totally DO fucking love happy endings in horror movies. However, I am pretty sure that my definition of a happy ending is warped…I’m not even talking about hand jobs this time. I’m not gonna give away the ending this time, I promise!

So, did we get our money’s worth? Was this DVD worth $20 of Amy’s hard-earned money? The Beavis & Butthead DVD was worth at least $5. Another $1 is earmarked for the butt ass nekkid girl. $3.50 for breakfast that tastes like dog pussy. $4.20 for the Security Guard Infomercial. $1 for seeing a gameboy fall out of the fanboy’s backpack. $2 for the Security Boss’ crazy shit-talking. $3.99 for The Todd to go to Supercuts and fix his stupid shaved head with sideburns. Let me add this up…$20.69! Fuck! We owe Joe Francis 69 cents…I wonder if he’ll take an IOU?