I understand how Tallahassee feels about Twinkies, because that’s how I feel about Ding Dongs. In fact, I just finished one…I love me some Ding Dongs.

The past couple of years have been a fight for Pop Culture Relevancy between zombies and vampires. The recent success of The Walking Dead indicates that zombies are pulling ahead for the lead, but the upcoming season of True Blood and yet another Twilight movie might give vampires an edge in 2011. In either case, the real winners are people like me, who count vampire and zombies as their top two horror genres. Zombieland has been at the top of my DVR list for awhile, so I was pleased to get to finish watching it, after a false start while doing laundry over Xmas Break.

Much like The Walking Dead, Zombieland picks up after the “zombie apocalypse” has already occurred, and follows our protagonist Columbus, played by the poor man’s Michael Cera…Jesse Eisenberg. (I wish I had originated that term, but I know I must have stolen it from somewhere…I’ve heard it so many times since, that I can’t remember.) Columbus has these rules for staying alive during a zombie apocalypse, a funny running gag, but I still felt a little twinge at how original I thought ‘rules’ where when Scream did it 15 years ago. I tried hard to like Columbus, but I just couldn’t sympathize with him. If a zombie apocalypse did happen…and I had to choose between Columbus and Tallahassee…you can bet I would be using my bottle of wine on Tallahassee. Columbus would just have to wait until Little Rock hit puberty. I’m not just saying Woody because I’m 35 years old…ask 18 year old me and I’d say the same. Hot off of seeing Natural Born Killers, I’d double that wager. 18 year old me had no time for nerdy pussies, 18 year old me wanted a bald, homicidal maniac. Too bad 18 year old me started dating a nerdy pussy in real life…how ironic.

I would be remiss in not mentioning that Zombieland has the best cameo in any movie, EVER. I will not, however, say anymore about the cameo, because I somehow made it almost 2 years after the theatrical release without knowing and/or remembering that I heard about it on The Scream Awards…and it blew my fucking mind.

So there’s a sequel in the works…so maybe the zombies will beat those damn vampires after all!

Three Kings

Badass Gangsta + Coked-up Porn Star + Sullen ER Doc + guy who directs Beastie Boys videos = fun!

I really like the first half of this film, although the second half kind of dragged on. David O. Russell is really much better at handling comedy than tragedy. His skills lie in dialogue, not action, so the later action sequences seemed contrived in comparison to the natural way that less action oriented scenes flowed. As in Flirting with Disaster, the best parts were dialogue driven, though there were some funny ass visual gags, like when they showed flashbacks to each soldier’s civilian job.

By far, the best part was Spike Jonez as Conrad Vig. If he was in the scene, I was laughing. Living in Texas, I have known so many people that were just like his character…Scary. I am hoping that Spike Jonez is able to make his career as an actor and director last a lot longer than say, Quentin Tarantino, who was off the Hollywood A-list quicker than pregnant mouseketeer.

The only people that I have talked to who didn’t like this film were people who had been in the military…No, scratch that…More specifically, people who had been in the Army, because Nick liked it and he was a Marine. Their complaint was that it wasn’t like that in the movie. Well, no shit. It’s called suspension of disbelief. For instance, I have yet to see a realistic depiciton of high school in a movie, except for maybe Welcome to the Dollhouse, oh wait, that was Jr. High. Anyway, I have no idea what the army was like, so I liked the film.

I was also impressed by the different film effects that Russell used. If an Arab was wounded, their blood was black. Different filters affected the colors of landscapes and how different characters were viewed. The most strking, not to mention foreshadowing, effect was when he portrayed how the Iraqi villagers viewed the three kings. The were each shown in a low angle shot, with a rapidly flowing clouds behind them. Conrad Vig was also shown, but from a normal angle. This foreshadowed his death, while showing the level of heroism that the other three would rise to.

Although my boyfriend tried to convince me otherwise, I am positive that ingesting oil would kill you. He said it would just fuck up your digestive track for a month or so, but not kill you. Whatever. I think it would fuck more than that up.

Iraqi Ass Map. I just can’t stop saying it. Iraqi Ass Map. Damn. Iraqi Ass Map.