March 10, 2011

I understand how Tallahassee feels about Twinkies, because that’s how I feel about Ding Dongs. In fact, I just finished one…I love me some Ding Dongs.

The past couple of years have been a fight for Pop Culture Relevancy between zombies and vampires. The recent success of The Walking Dead indicates that zombies are pulling ahead for the lead, but the upcoming season of True Blood and yet another Twilight movie might give vampires an edge in 2011. In either case, the real winners are people like me, who count vampire and zombies as their top two horror genres. Zombieland has been at the top of my DVR list for awhile, so I was pleased to get to finish watching it, after a false start while doing laundry over Xmas Break.

Much like The Walking Dead, Zombieland picks up after the “zombie apocalypse” has already occurred, and follows our protagonist Columbus, played by the poor man’s Michael Cera…Jesse Eisenberg. (I wish I had originated that term, but I know I must have stolen it from somewhere…I’ve heard it so many times since, that I can’t remember.) Columbus has these rules for staying alive during a zombie apocalypse, a funny running gag, but I still felt a little twinge at how original I thought ‘rules’ where when Scream did it 15 years ago. I tried hard to like Columbus, but I just couldn’t sympathize with him. If a zombie apocalypse did happen…and I had to choose between Columbus and Tallahassee…you can bet I would be using my bottle of wine on Tallahassee. Columbus would just have to wait until Little Rock hit puberty. I’m not just saying Woody because I’m 35 years old…ask 18 year old me and I’d say the same. Hot off of seeing Natural Born Killers, I’d double that wager. 18 year old me had no time for nerdy pussies, 18 year old me wanted a bald, homicidal maniac. Too bad 18 year old me started dating a nerdy pussy in real life…how ironic.

I would be remiss in not mentioning that Zombieland has the best cameo in any movie, EVER. I will not, however, say anymore about the cameo, because I somehow made it almost 2 years after the theatrical release without knowing and/or remembering that I heard about it on The Scream Awards…and it blew my fucking mind.

So there’s a sequel in the works…so maybe the zombies will beat those damn vampires after all!

Year – 2009
Rating – R
Runtime – 88 minutes
Genre – Horror
Director(s) – Ruben Fleischer
Writer(s) – Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick
Actor(s) – Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Amber Heard
BOB Rating – Four BOBs
Favorite Quote – "I'm in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland." - Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg)