Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

 

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Gary Oldman just makes every film better, doesn’t he? I mean, Bram Stoker’s Dracula notwithstanding, he is AMAZING.

Is it totally out of line to say that I think Sirius Black is sexy? I think it’s just Gary Oldman with long hair and a goatee…even though he’s one of the best actors of our generation…he’s hardly ever – ok, mostly never – sexy. Mason Verger? No. Zorg? No. Beethoven? Maybe.

Let me settle down – this is a children’s film, after all.

I think my favorite part was when Hermione punched Draco in the face. To me, Hermione is a much more interesting character than Harry Potter. As a mudblood, she’s subject to just as much – if not more – bullying and hardship as Harry. Yes, sure, she’s got parents – but they’re fucking dentists. Snape fucking straight up ignores her – she knows all the answers and he harrasses Harry instead. She’s been turned into a cat (or dog). She’s been frozen. She solves the mystery of the pipes. She saves the day in this film. I’m just saying, Hermione Granger is the real hero here.

I can’t believe I missed Dobby.

This one is my favorite Harry Potter so far…but then again, I still have 5 films to go.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

 

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Chamber of Secrets? That’s what I used to call my vajayjay back in college…

Thank you folks, I’ll be here all night. My children absolutely appreciate any and all mentions of their former abode and entry into the world, so let’s give them a round of applause for pushing me to revisit Harry Potter and to make inappropriate vagina jokes. My son voraciously consumed Harry Potter books the second he could read. My daughter was slower to get hooked and in fact, only promised to read them if I read them. Challenge accepted!

I saw Sorcerer’s Stone shortly after it was released, but never sat down and intentionally watched the rest of the films. I am fairly certain I’ve seen them all in bits and pieces over the years though. Having just finished reading the second book, my daughter and I had a Friday Night double feature of the first two films…

My favorite part is when I say Her-Mee-Oh-Nee instead of Her-My-Oh-Nee – my daughter has an absolute shit fit about me not saying it right.

Dobby is so fucking annoying. He reminds me of our dog, always cowering and whimpering. I wonder if I give her a sock, she’ll fucking leave?

While watching the film, I told my daughter that Gilderoy Lockhart is a butthole. She said, “No, he’s another B-word, but I can’t say it.” “A bitch?” “Yeah. Can I say that?” “Uh, no.” At what age is appropriate to let a child call someone a “little bitch”?

So, I didn’t know that a Basilisk was a snake – I thought they were lizards. The only thing I know about Basilisks was from playing Magic in college, and they looked like big fucking iguanas. Wikipedia was not very helpful, as they also have chicken legs and a cock’s comb. The fuck?

A fun film, but I feel like it was really long. My daughter fell asleep halfway through, but I made it through both. Onward to the next one!

Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone

The quote above has already come true – there isn’t a child alive who hasn’t heard of Harry Potter.

Really, it’s no wonder that that children have fallen in love with Harry Potter. Harry Potter’s rise to fame and fortune is every child’s fantasy. It couldn’t have been written better by a child psychologist. Every young child wishes that they could whisked away from their horrible parents and taken to a place where everyone understands them and nurtures their hidden talents. A place where everyone knows your name. Add in gobs of cash and a magic wand, for emergencies. And of course, excelling in sports is an added bonus. Harry Potter has it all!

As popular as the Harry Potter thing is, I have only just now seen the film and I still haven’t read any of the books – I am sure I will get around to it someday. I had to be coerced into watching it – it wasn’t that bad. I was vaguely entertained throughout the whole thing – mostly because of the special effects. I’d have to say that the special effects were some of the best that I have seen, up there with Lord of the Rings.

Familiarity may also explain the story’s popularity. The Harry Potter universe is a mish-mash of popular fantasy and science fiction of the last 100 years. Large doses of Roald Dahl (mostly James and the Giant Peach), Time Bandits and The Wizard of Oz, tossed in some Alice in Wonderland, with a dash of C.S. Lewis and a pinch of Star Wars make up the body of the story. I really didn’t spot much new territory around Hogwarts.

I don’t expect Daniel Radcliffe to get many job offers after his tenure as Harry Potter. He’s a decent enough actor, but he has been marked for life.

I knew that Monty Python alum would show up sooner or later – I was surprised that it was limited to John Cleese. Funny as he was as Nearly Headless Nick, he was wasted as a cameo. He should have had a role as a Professor at least.

One part did make me want to die – the part at the end when Dumbledore tells Harry about the love in his skin. That is just fucking LAME. I bitched and moaned about that scene for 15 minutes after the film was over, I was so pissed off!

All in all, an intelligent effort to entertain children. Passable at entertaining adults, but only if they are stuck on the couch after a large dinner of really good chicken roma spaghetti.