Friday the 13th: Part III

 

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Although released to the theaters in 3D, Part III is one the most boring installments in the series.

The film wastes so much time with the motorcycle gang. Why even bother having them harass the kids at the convenience store, other than to show what pussies the kids are? Or maybe it was just an excuse to add some unsympathetic victims to the body count? Or a deus ex machina to get gasoline out of the van?

This is the film that gives Jason his iconic Hockey Mask, stolen from Shelly, the prankster.

The final girl, Chris, had previously survived an encounter with Jason in the woods…but when was that? Was it in-between the first and second films, when he was mourning his mother? And why is she imagining Mrs. Voorhees (with her head) dragging her into a lake at the end?

We DVRed this one for the kids off SyFy and it’s edited all to hell. We actually got the whole series, up to Jason X in one shot…so I guess they’ll miss out on all the good stuff.

Deadpool 2

 

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Deadpool 2 just debuted on HBO, so we all cuddled on the couch for a family movie night. Good thing that Deadpool ASSURED the audience that this is a family film – because we let the 13 year old and the 10 year old watch.

There was no pegging (although it was alluded to), so there wasn’t too much explaining I had to do for the kids. I did have to explain to my daughter what an IUD was – no biggie. Everything else went over her head – thank the lord she didn’t ask me about docking.

The major complaint about Deadpool 2 was the “fridging” of Vanessa. (“Fridging” is killing off a female character, solely to give motivation to a male character.) Yes, she was fridged…but I’m kinda okay with it. Deadpool gives zero fucks about anything BUT Vanessa. There is literally nothing else you could do to Deadpool to motivate him. I do wonder though – NO SPOILERS – how do they motivate him in the next movie?

I wish Josh Brolin was taller.

Now I need to see Taika Waititi’s Hunt for the Wilderpeople, which is where Ryan Reynolds first saw Julian Dennison. He was a punkass little kid.

Stick around for some mid-credits scenes – you won’t be disappointed.

All things considered, I liked Deadpool 2 even more than the first one. The action was okay, but what really got me were the jokes. I feel like I’m the Deadpool in my friend group, what with my pop culture obsession(s). I could not stop laughing throughout the whole film – I even caught myself laughing at jokes the next day. Looking forward to watching Once Upon a Deadpool (maybe should’ve started the kids there), then Deadpool 3/X-force/whatever Ryan Reynolds decides to do. The one downside though…I’ve had Cher’s ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ stuck in my head for the last week. Gee, thanks DP.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I know it’s a risk, but I’m risking my kids aspiring to truancy by introducing them to Ferris Bueller. It’s a risk I’m willing to take…

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As a parent, I know I’m supposed to sympathize with the parents and Rooney…but nope, still Ferris all the way. Even though Ferris is a spoiled little cunt, you still want him to have an awesome day. It also goes without saying that it’s a lot harder to watch Rooney chasing after Ferris, knowing about his child sex charges. Funny, it doesn’t make Beetlejuice any harder…just this one.

I was sure to point out to the kids how Ferris fucked himself out of a car – how his mom said that the money from the deal she lost was for a car for Ferris. They already know that they are gonna have to make some money if they want a car.

I did not, however, tell them about the major league crush I had on Matthew Broderick in middle school. My School Bus BFF was into Chuck Woolery and I had Matthew and that’s what we would talk about. Every. Single. Day.

Even 30+ years later, the film holds up surprisingly well. Even with all the technological advancements, the stunts that Ferris pulls are still strangely plausible. My kids absolutely loved the film. They are devastated that there wasn’t a sequel.

Deadpool

My son has been wanting to watch this since it came out…the husband and I didn’t even end up seeing it in the theater (a travesty), but saw it as soon as it hit cable. I’d been trying to avoid having to explain to him what ‘pegging’ is…but he’s twelve. From what I’ve heard about seventh grade boys so far, a little ‘pegging’ is the least of my worries.

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My son was totally unimpressed by the ‘pegging’. He did not bat an eye at all. He said, “There wasn’t even any nudity.” Thanks, Urban Dictionary!

As wrong as Wolverine got its portrayal of Deadpool, Deadpool the film gets it right. It’s 110% on back of Ryan Reynolds. I truly don’t think there’s another actor on this planet, or even in this galaxy, that could have given life to Deadpool.

Not to say that the rest of the casting isn’t phenomenal. Why isn’t Morena Baccarin a bigger star? I mean, she’s starred on a lot of shows like Firefly and V and Gotham, but why isn’t she a bigger movie star? Hmmm…T.J. Miller was also an entertaining addition. He reminds me of a guy I almost dated before I met my husband, like literally a week before I met my husband. He came to my 24th birthday party, but I got too fucked up and passed out before we cvould even talk. I don’t think it would have worked out though – a friend told me that his previous girlfriend had messed up his testicles by playing with them too much and he had to have surgery on them. I can’t handle that kind of pressure!

With the recent acquisition of 20th Century Fox by Disney, I’m imagining a world where the Avengers can hang out with Deadpool…and maybe, just maybe…someone can finally make a good Fantastic Four movie. Here’s to hoping.

Child’s Play

The time has come…for my children to become men. Well, maybe just one of them – not the daughter.

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Texas Frightmare Weekend has already announced ‘A Celebration of Chucky’ for 2018, so I’ve got to get the kids prepared. Logan got to meet Chris Sarandon last year, so he’s already got a head start. Plus, the two new films – Curse of Chucky and Cult of Chucky – just dropped on cable for Halloween. I filled up my DVR with ALL the Chucky movies over the past month, but I fucked up and missed half of the first one, so I had to run to Wal-Mart and purchase it for $5. It came with a cool-ass horror movie coloring book, so it was totally worth it!

Every time I see that breakfast scene, I cringe. How does she not murder that little shit? Maybe single moms love their kids more. He’s such a whiny little bitch.

I forgot just how long it took for the murdering to start. The kids were bored up to that point, but the were riveted as soon as he took on his trademark snarl and started murdering. What’s funny about kids – they were far more offended by the mom nearly being raped by a hobo, than the fact that this doll is murdering everyone in sight. Precious.

I forgot about the fly decor in the Voodoo Guy’s crib…I’ve definitely been inspired.

So…after watching, I find out that my daughter has a phobia about giant dolls. She said that she’ll be surprised if she doesn’t have nightmares. I forgot that she was terrified of her babysitter’s My Size Barbie. Oops.

Oh, I neglected to mention that I had my son listen to ‘Chuckie’ by The Geto Boys on the way back from Wal-Mart. He said, “That was…interesting.” These kids today, they just don’t understand the hood.

Mississippi River Sharks

Two Londons for the price of one!

Jason London (Dazed and Confused) stars as “himself” – a fictionalized version of the actor, who stars in the “Shark Bites” movie franchise. He must have a pretty good sense of humor, because he plays “himself” as an utter douchebag. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a dig at Ian Ziering’s Sharknado fame? Or maybe I’m just projecting…but I’m fairly certain that Ziering just doesn’t play a douche on TV. Jeremy London (Mallrats) has a brief, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo, but it’s a good chuckle.

As you may have guessed, the plot of the film is sharks entering the mouth of the Mississippi River and eating people. No backstory, no particular reason WHY there are sharks in the Mighty Mississip – they just ARE. I was hoping the sharks would make it to St. Louis, but they only made it 100 miles or so up the river. Boo.

Bonus points to Mississippi River Sharks for giving the film a strong, smart heroine AND an interracial couple. The diversity is appreciated, especially in a film full of rednecks. Even though there are a couple of good one-liners, the film is boring and has ridiculously lame CGI. It was so bad, that the kids were talking shit to the screen. How bad does your CGI have to be that a nine year old is unimpressed? I tried to get my son to make a shark movie in our pond, but the snakes in our pond are scary enough to keep him from wanting to flail around in it.

Fun fact…the opening sequence takes place on the New Orleans Riverboat Natchez. My friend Gingher got married on that very same boat back in 2000…and I got severely seasick and had a panic attack. Good times.

Bad Grandpa

I only hesitate to crown Bad Grandpa the funniest film of 2013 because Anchorman 2 hasn’t come out yet and judging from the trailer, I’ll be sharting myself laughing.

Not that I shouldn’t have worn Depends to see Bad Grandpa – it would’ve been a good idea. Better safe than sharty, I always say. (Although now that I think about it, it’s likely that our pre-movie sushi stop may have caused that sharty feeling – not the hysterical laughter.) Nevertheless, I had better bowel control than poor Irving…and now I’ve said too much. Is it a spoiler to mention that one of the Jackass movies contains sharting? I say no – that’s like saying that a Twilight movie contains meaningful staring…it’s a foregone conclusion.

I didn’t realize it before I saw it, but Bad Grandpa is really Jackass 4…except instead of all the guys from the show doing stunts, it’s just Johnny Knoxville’s dirty old man character, Irving Zissman, doing stunts. I am inclined to describe each and every stunt in detail, but that would take the fun out of watching them unfold. I will say that although the trailer included the very best stunt – the Cherry Pie scene – you might find yourself assuming that a cross-dressing 9 year old stripper is the most offensive thing that Knoxville had to offer…and you would be wrong. So, so wrong.

Bad Grandpa is structured like Borat. The plot is loosely held together by a string of uncomfortable Candid Camera/Punk’d scenes, played out on an unsuspecting public. It’s telling that the scenes take place while traveling from Nebraska to North Carolina – the boring middle part of America. I’m not saying that the people in those states are stupid, but maybe just less likely to get violent. Imagine a film documenting a trip from Texas to Florida – Knoxville wouldn’t have made it halfway across Texas without losing a few teeth, getting shot or both. And Florida…don’t get me started on those crazy fucks down in Florida.

Please, please, PLEASE go see Bad Grandpa…but don’t forget to wear a diaper.

 

The Haunted Trailer

Not enough farts. Definitely needed more farts.

Just kidding, there were plenty of farts in The Haunted Trailer – farts in practically every scene. I love farts. My best friend also loves farts. (When we get together with some Burger King Onion Rings…watch out!) My eight year old son loves farts, probably because he is eight years old, but also because he is my son. Really, who DOESN’T love farts? If you say you don’t love farts, you’re LYING. Farts make the world go around.

Oh yeah, we were talking about The Haunted Trailer…we were lucky enough to catch a showing at Frightmare a few weeks ago. Every year, it’s our goal to find a film that will equal Black Devil Doll. Last year, we were left disappointed, finding nothing that could equal the greatness of Mubia Abul-Jama. This year, we hit gold…brown gold. To think we almost missed The Haunted Trailer! We accidentally ended up in the showing of The Last Something of Rosalind Somebody and as soon as they started introducing it so earnestly as a masterpiece, we got the fuck out of there. Luckily, we didn’t miss any of The Haunted Trailer…

I’ll be honest, Ron Jeremy was the main draw for The Haunted Trailer. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about The Hedgehog. I’ll watch anything with The Hedgehog. We even own a copy of John Bobbitt Uncut. So it goes without saying that the Haunted Trailer was a must-see. We were pleasantly surprised at how hilarious it was. Even without Ron, it would have been a winner. Demons…trailer trash…farting – it’s like this film was made for us. A trailer trash family must battle a demon with a familiar name (well, familiar if you’ve ever drank the water in Mexico) that has taken up residence in their single-wide. I’ll leave the description at that – I don’t want to ruin the shocking lengths this family must go to to remove this demon from their home. You’ll laugh…you’ll groan…you’ll shit your pants.

I was proud to find out that this film was created right in my backyard. My heart swells with pride to know that there are other people like me, living stealthily in my community, making quality entertainment. We’re hidden in plain sight, taking our kids to the same parks as you, shopping at the same stores and eating at the same restaurants. The only difference is that when we have to fart, we don’t run to the bathroom and hide. No, we’re proud of our digestive systems. We don’t shy away from the amazing way our bodies have evolved to efficiently remove the build-up of methane. We let it rip, have a laugh and move on. Someday, there’ll be more of us than there are of you…

I can describe this film in one sentence. Pink Flamingos meets Poltergeist. When this film comes out on DVD, I’ll be shoving it down the throat of anyone I can find.

Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

Chupacabras…Erik Estrada…Texas landmarks…it’s like the SyFy Channel is making movies just for me!

The SyFy formula is in full effect. Erik Estrada plays a widowed DEA Agent. His estranged son is a gangbanger and his daughter is a sullen teenager. At least he doesn’t buy her a chupacabra as a graduation present. His daughter encounters the chupacabras during a high school makeout party, in which a chupacabra bites off a guy’s DICK. (You should have heard my eight year old son cackle like a goon during this scene…I bet he never pisses outside again, though.)

The RABID chupacabras – yes, they were attacking because they were rabid – looked like a cross between hyenas and hairless rats. In some scenes, they were as big as German Shepherds, but in other scenes, they were no bigger than the Taco Bell chihuahua. I’m guessing that was so they could kill one in a microwave, Gremlins-style? The lack of wings was a total disappointment. Chupacabras are supposed to fly, dammit!

My kids LOVED this movie…even more than Flying Monkeys. My mother-in-law enjoyed it as well, although I was little grossed out when she said she would STILL do Erik Estrada. Maybe it was because he was riding a motorcycle like in his CHiPs days? Speaking of, the motorcycle-riding while being pulled behind a Semi in CHiPs was more realistic than the green screen motorcycle riding in this movie. Sometimes, the old ways are best…

After the chupacabras chased the cast into the Alamo, they started breaking display cases and using muskets against the chupacabras. Obviously, that didn’t work, so they decided to just blow the fuck out of the Alamo. Yeah, that happened. First SyFy blows the faces off of Mount Rushmore and now they blew up the Alamo. What’s next? Filling the Grand Canyon with cement?

So I guess we’re going to San Antonio for vacation this summer, so my kids can see the real Alamo. I’m glad that chupacabras have awakened a thirst for Texas history in my children.

21 Jump Street

All the little teen girls can have Zac Efron. Robert Pattison and Taylor Lautner do nothing for me either. Ryan Gosling…again, not interested. But when it comes to Channing Tatum, I do understand…there’s something about him that makes me want to rip his picture out of magazines and plaster them all over my cubicle.

It’s funny, because all I know of him before seeing him in 21 Jump Street is seeing him host SNL last season. I haven’t seen his dance movies or vacuous romantic movies. (Despite all my talk, I never did get around to seeing Magic Mike in the theater.) Channing Tatum has great comic timing…and abs.

Luckily, I wasn’t subjected to a lot of shirtless Jonah Hill. Blah, blah, blah, weight loss – he is still a goober. I might have appreciated his role more, if I had seen Superbad before 21 Jump Street, if only to have a basis of comparison. He was funny, but not nearly as funny as Channing Tatum.

Don’t get me wrong, this was a funny, funny movie. I watched it on the plane after The Avengers and I was laughing so loud that I annoyed my son and husband sitting behind me…and probably anyone else with 5 or 6 rows. (My son had his revenge during the return trip by laughing his ass off watching The Three Stooges remake while I was trying to sleep. Touche.)

Yes, there’s a Johnny Depp cameo, as well as several other original cast members. I will say no more, as the cameos are so awesome that it would spoil the movie. I will confirm that Richard Grieco does not make an appearance…because he kind of fucking sucks.

Some of you might say that the only reason that I liked this film is because someone gets their junk shot off – I’m not going to deny it, a severed penis improves ANY film – but, 21 Jump Street stands on its own merit. Even without the penile carnage, this is a film worth watching.