Captain Marvel

 

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Captain Marvel is cool and all, but Samuel L. Jackson carried the film for me. Young Nick Fury was the glue that held the film together, no offense to Captain Marvel intended.

I was not distracted at all by the de-aging of Samuel L. Jackson – he looked so young and innocent. Coulson was a little weird looking – I think it was the goofy hairline. Speaking of Coulson, there was not nearly enough of him in the film. I’ve been watching him in Agents of SHIELD for 5 years – I wanna see what he was like as a youngin’.

Somehow, I managed to avoid enough of the spoilers to be surprised by the plot twists and turns. I feel like I should go on a total media blackout before every Marvel film! Actually, every film these days. I’m still pissed about The Force Awakens…

The 90s nostalgia in this film got me in the feels. The Blockbuster Video (my summer job between high school and college, 1994)…the Radio Shack (RIP)…the soundtrack! I loved the female-centric soundtrack – in fact, it was quite jarring to hear Nirvana and REM, popping up between Garbage and Hole. I think maybe they should’ve stuck with all ladies on the soundtrack – and why wasn’t “What’s Going On” on that soundtrack? Of course, that would’ve been one more thing for fanboi trolls to be pissed about.

The best thing about Captain Marvel? No romantic subplots. I get it, Wonder Woman has to have Steve Trevor, but it’s so nice to see a powerful female NOT batting her eyes and playing vulnerable. For about 10 seconds, I was afraid that there was going to be sexual tension with Jude Law. That would’ve made me barf – he’s another nannyfucker.

Where did Brie Larson even come from? I feel like she came out of nowhere to win that Oscar, but she’s been in Hollywood for decades. I guess she was just under my radar. Glad that she won the role over Ronda Rousey – that would’ve been a clusterfuck.

My favorite part? The Flerken, of course! What’s a Flerken? Shhhhh…

My second favorite part? Stan Lee’s Mallrats-reading cameo.

Now that we’ve seen what Captain Marvel (and Flerken) can do, Thanos is totally fucked. Just a few weeks until we see how it all shakes out!

Tusk

This movie is so fucking weird and fucked up. Of course, it’s a horror movie….but it’s also a comedy…and it’s also a mindfuck. Tusk is like a new genre of movie – Mindfuck Fu.

The first Mindfuck is not so much the subject matter – it’s fucked up to be sure, but the real mindfuck is that it’s not sexual. Of course, we wanted the motivation to be sexual – but nope. The motivation was guilt.

The second Mindfuck is Justin Long’s mustache. That mustache is just appallingly gross. Even more than the fact that his character is an asshole, that mustache made me lose all sympathy for his character. He totally deserved what he got…because of that mustache. Even his ring tone was assholish – guess what my ring tone is right now…ANOTHER MARGARITA!

Johnny Depp…still fuckable, even with that nose.

And then there’s Michael Parks…if you thought he was scary in Red State , you will piss yourself in terror after watchiableng Tusk. He’s not so terrifying in real life…I was able to meet him at Texas Frightmare Weekend a few years ago. At first I thought him to to be lld muddled as to where he was, then I realized he was just shitfaced.

I’m looking forward to Smith’s new film, Yoga Hosers – the next film in his Great White North Trilogy. It will be interesting to see if Harley Quinn and Lily-Rose have enough charisma to carry the whole movie and become big Hollywood stars.

Red State

I finally watched a good horror movie! One that wasn’t on SyFy! Aren’t you proud of me?

As big of a Kevin Smith fan as I am, I can’t believe that it took me so long to get around to watching it. That leaves me with just Jersey Girl (not likely) and Cop Out (which I watched half of and forgot to finish) to watch. Since I’ve had kids, it’s like I have a 2-3 year delay on most movies I want to watch, unless either the kids or my husband REALLY want to see it. Even though my BFF had already watched Red State without me, she was happy to watch it again to humor me…

Smith took a page from the Tarantino playbook – there are absolutely no redeeming characters in the entire film. Of course you’re rooting against the Coopers, but not because you’re rooting FOR the kids or ATF Agents. You’re rooting against the Coopers because their values are fucked up, but the kids and the ATF Agents are fucked up, too – just not as fucked up as the Coopers. That’s where the real horror lies…not in dumb kids getting into a deadly situation because of their dicks, or not even in a wicked sort of Christian evangelicism in which luring and murdering “sinners” is seen as “God’s work”, but in all of them (and us, by extension) living under a government with a “leave no witnesses” ethos. That, my friends, is the world we are living in NOW and it’s not a result of 9/11. Remember Waco?

Michael Parks KILLED it as Fred Phelps-like Pastor Abin Cooper. Michael Parks has been around a long time, but has gained a following in the past few decades as Tarantino and Rodriguez have added him to their stable of regulars. I knew him as Jean Renault in Twin Peaks, but also from his records. My dad had a Michael Parks record – Closing the Gap. I guess he was a fan of Along Came Bronson? Michael Parks actually put out a record of the songs he sang in Red State. I’m a soundtrack girl, but that is not going on my wish list anytime soon.

Kevin Smith plays by his own rules. Finally disenchanted with the mechanics of Hollywood distribution, Smith bypassed them all and distributed the film himself….and it worked. He made a fine film that his patrons, the Weinsteins, passed on – and got it directly into the homes of his fans via the internet and On Demand. And now he’s gonna make Clerks III. Not that it won’t be funny as fuck, but I’d rather see more of his horror at my house, than Jay and Silent Bob in the theater. Just sayin’.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

As soon as I heard the opening riff of “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver,” I was in love…

Kevin Smith has always had a way with picking the music for his films. I’d argue that the soundtrack for Clerks is one of the top soundtracks ever, alongside The Crow, Singles and Pulp Fiction. I may be a bit biased, as my musical tastes are still a bit stuck in the early to mid 90s, outside of my increasing fixation on Lady Gaga. In any case, I appreciate Kevin Smith taking me on a walk down Memory Lane…I almost cried tears of joy/laughter when I heard the safe sex anthem “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off” during the credits. (If you ‘relax and drink some cherry wine,’ chances are that you will end up with your clothes off anyway?) I’m gonna have to get the soundtrack to snag that and the Boba Fett song.

Anyone that knows me…or is at least a constant reader…knows how much I abhor Romantic Comedies, AKA Rom Coms. I have never seen Pretty Woman or anything starring Sandra Bullock, except Demolition Man. The problem is not that they’re unrealistic – I watch a lot of unrealistic movies. I can’t put my finger on it, they just annoy the fuck out of me. I don’t care much for Romantic Dramas either, but at least one of the leads usually dies at the end…or may even be already dead. Even with my bias, I do like it when Kevin Smith gets romantic. After Chasing Amy, the bar was set pretty high, but again, he hits the nail on the head with Zack & Miri. Even though the situation is unrealistic, their relationship and the challenges they face ring true…which is the exact opposite of most movie romances.

So Seth Rogen is all buff and hot now…somehow I don’t think his role would have played the same way if he wasn’t all fat and schlubby. I guess they could’ve cast Jonah Hill?

I am so glad that Craig Robinson is no longer The Office’s best kept secret. His comedic timing is so precise you could set the Pentagon’s Atomic Clock off it. I’m looking forward to seeing more of him on the screen.

Casting Traci Lords was a stroke of genius. Katie Morgan…meh. Her voice is annoying…then again, she’s not known for her voice. I’m glad Smith was conservative with hiring porn stars. Once you start getting Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson involved, you’re in camp territory.

So my best friend is obsessed with Brandon St. Randy. I totally understand. If I was a dude…a gay dude…I would want to be just like Brandon St. Randy, too.

So Smith’s next film is Red State…a horror movie…FINALLY! Details are slim, but I know it’s about crazy fundamentalists ala Fred Phelps. BRING IT ON!

  

Clerks II

They always say that “You can’t go home again” – but Kevin Smith sure has made a career out of it, hasn’t he? He’s turned the characters from Clerks into a nice cottage industry. The guys from Clerks have their own animated series and comic book and then there’s Jay and Silent Bob. The general public has made it quite clear that they’re just not interested in films outside of the Askewniverse – shit, I haven’t seen Jersey Girl either. I can’t fault Smith for going with what he knows in making Clerks II. Nearly all the Indie directors from the 90s have gone back to the well for a sequel – Rodriguez brought back the Mariachi for Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Linklater called up Ethan Hawke for Before Sunset and Tarantino has basically been making the same film over and over again for years. Wes Anderson has done a good job of trying different things, but then again, he can’t do it without the Wilson brothers, can he?

Back to Clerks II…the Quik Stop burns to the ground. (Clerks was entirely shot in black and white, as if the whole film took place in Kansas, whereas Clerks II uses black and white as a framing device – bringing the “There’s no place like home” theme full circle.) Out of a job, Dante and Randal end up working at Mooby’s. The film jumps forward almost a year to Dante’s last day working at Mooby’s. He’s engaged to a rich bitch and about to move to Florida. Is there anything that could keep Dante in New Jersey? His job? His best friend? A Kinky donkey?

The Donkey Show – Kevin Smith is sure to have stolen the featured stunt from Jackass 3 right from underneath Johnny Knoxville with his Donkey Show Bachelor Party. I shed a tear for whatever poor animal ends up getting fucked in the next Jackass.

So Jay and Silent Bob are sober now, but they still sell drugs? That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it still makes more sense than the fact that they are now born again christians and Silent Bob carries around a bible. I guess the events of Dogma had a delayed effect?

I love Elias! Wait, I hate Elias, but I love Randall’s neverending torture of Elias. Randal was right on about Lord of the Rings – those hobbits were total homos! Poor naive Elias. (Coincidentally, Pillow Pants is the best way to describe how I felt for the first two weeks after giving birth. It definitely felt like there was an evil biting troll living in my vagina.)

So did you notice that Kevin Smith’s daughter had a cameo? I didn’t have to wait for the credits to know that it was his kid – she looks JUST like him.

Clerks II was fairly entertaining, although the “I’ve learned something today” message at the end bored the shit out of me.

I’ve got high hopes for Smith’s next two projects – Zack and Miri Make A Porno (taking advantage of the Seth Rogen zeitgeist) and Red State (a horror movie about religious zealots). Neither seem likely to involve Jay and Silent Bob, but still sound really entertaining.

  

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Yeah, I’m slow, I just finally saw it this weekend. Had to wait for the annoying young’uns to clear out of the theater…man, I’m old. Anyway, in the words of the immortal Choad, I too, laughed so hard there was blood on the seat when I left.

So far, the film has grossed about $30 million. Disappointing, yet amazing at the same time. Disappointing, because I (and probably Kevin Smith) thought it would do so much better. Amazing because that is an astounding amount of money to roll in on a film starring Jay, Silent Bob and a monkey. Yeah, the star power of the cameos alone probably didn’t hurt either, but this proves this labor of love was worth it. I’d be willing to bet that DVD sales will be the bigger moneymaker for this one.

I would guess that roughly a hundred or so films were spoofed or nodded to in this one. The average teen would have to be a serious pop culture junkie to catch all the references that would be obvious to any 25 year old. But take all that away and I think it still makes an entertaining film. I think it will make my dad laugh when I make him watch it. He did laugh at the commercial, after all.

I was surpirsed at how far some of the jokes went. I didn’t expect the hard-on at Mooby’s, nor did I expect to see Chimpanzees going all Hannibal. I sure didn’t expect Orgy Dooby Doo. I was dismayed at the omission of Walt Flannagan’s dog, though.

I hadn’t heard ‘Because I Got High’ until I sat through the credits either. Everyone and their dog had heard it but me. I don’t live in a hole or anything, but somehow, the song avoided me. Hmmm..I don’t feel any different having heard it though.

I was sad to see the end of the askewniverse. I can’t image the tone of Kevin Smith’s next film without Jay and Silent Bob to lighten the mood. It will be interesting to see if he can make a film stand without them though. That will be the true test of his film making ability. I am glad that he didn’t kill them off at the end. I was deathly afraid that he would kill them off and that I’d never see them again. I can still hope that someday, ten years down the line, they’ll come back.

Cock Knocker. That’s all, just wanted to say Cock Knocker.

   

Dogma

Do you wanna know the best part of the film? The best part was found at the very end of the credits…”Jay and Silent Bob will return in Clerks 2: Hardly Clerkin’.” Now that is something to get excited about!

Dogma was exactly what I expected. Not better, not worse but exactly, on the nose what I was expecting. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I guess I am so used to the “askew-niverse,” that it would take an awful lot to throw me off. As usual, Jay and Silent Bob stole the show. Filthy mouthed, sex obsessed potheads – that’s my bag, baby! And believe it or not, I was not TOO annoyed by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. As much as I loathe Matt Damon, he worked as Loki. I can’t even remember why it is I don’t like him, it may be because he is short. I’ve always like Ben Affleck, but whenever he is around Matt Damon, I get this mental image of them fucking and it just messes me up. Turns me on a little bit, but mostly just pisses me off.

The one part that really disturbed me was on the bus, when Loki shot the adultering couple. That really shook me up for some reason. It’s not that I believe that God is going to smite me for going to the prom with a married guy or any of the other fucked up relationship things I have done – that’s just silly. I think it has more to do with the possibility of people knowing what’s in your heart just by looking at you without you even saying a word. Kind of like how, in Twin Peaks, Agent Cooper knew immediately about Sherriff Truman and Josie, then again about Ed and Norma…the idea that someone could detect intimacy between two people that are having an illicit relationship is terrifying – but thankfully, that only happens in movies. Real people are dumb.

Linda Fiorentino was pretty good, I haven’t really seen any of her other films though. Of course, Chris Rock was funny as hell. I am not sure I wanted to see him naked though. Alan Rickman was cool – he reminded me of a character in the book Good Omens (have you read it? no? you should!). Did anyone else notice how the angels all had hoods? Loki and Bartleby did and so did Alan Rickman. Weird. I was so happy with this film, that by the end of it, I didn’t even mind Alanis Morissette. Of course, it helped that she never opened her mouth.

So…I don’t know what all the fuss was about – this was not an anti-faith film – it was an anti-blind faith film. I think the Catholic League of Decency should go attack something else – like POKEMON! Now there is evil straight from HELL! So instead of bringing your brats to see the next big satanic Japanese marketing blitz, bring ’em to Dogma instead – your bank account will thank you!

   

Mallrats

Of Kevin Smith’s ‘Jersey Trilogy,’ Mallrats is the last one that I saw. I had been told that it was stupid, that it was just not Clerks. True – most of Mallrats is pretty stupid and it isn’t Clerks, but it was goddamn funny. Way funnier than Clerks in a lot of places. I was expecting something like a Pauly Shore movie but it was more like a Mike Meyers movie (is that good or bad?)

Shannen Doherty doesn’t suck as much as I expected. Lots of good dialogue like Clerks. (I’m pretty sure that the conversation about Superman’s sperm was stolen from a short story written by Larry Niven, but who cares?) It was also good to see Terri from Three’s Company in a film. Last I heard, she was doing soft porn on Skinemax.

Malls suck for guys. I can’t get my boyfriend into a mall – not even if I promise to try on things at Fredericks of Hollywood for an hour. That is what’s so refreshing about Mallrats – it asks the question, “What if guys liked to hang out at the mall?” Well, they would…well, I’ll let you find that out…But let me tell you one thing – if the mall near me had a comic book store, it would be a lot easier to get my boyfriend to go.


 

Clerks

Stupid day jobs. Who hasn’t had their share of stupid day jobs? Clerks is the tale of a day in the life of two guys with really stupid day jobs. Dante (apt name – his job is hell) works in a Stop & Rob and Randall works in a video store. These are the two places where you are most likely to see stupid people. (Having done my time in a Blockbuster, believe me, I know.)

Smith’s skill truly lies in his ability to write realistic and cutting dialogue. In fact the bulk of the film is pure dialogue. There is a bit of physical comedy in the hockey scenes and a few others, but it’s nothing compared to the verbiage. Don’t even try to watch this film for the first time unless you’re ready to sit down and really listen to it.

Clerks also marks the first appearance of Jay and Silent Bob, the patron saints of the Blunt. (You Cocksmoker!) It’s filmed in black and white, but it just shows the drabness of everyday life when you hate your job. (Kind of like the beginning of The Wizard of Oz.)

My boyfriend said that he saw the special uncut ending of Clerks. Dante is locking up the store (which is where the normal version ends) and a robber comes up and shoots his ass and robs the store. I guess test audiences didn’t like it very much. That ending brings new meaning to the phrase “I wasn’t even supposed to be here today!”

   

Chasing Amy

When I first saw Fat Man and Little Boy (Siskel and Ebert to the unenlightened) review this film, I was annoyed at the subject matter. I was like, “Yeah right. A hardcore lesbian would change for a guy…sure…” I unfortunately waited until it came out on video to see it. Mistake. Fatty and 4 eyes definitely ruined this film for me. It was much deeper than their little minds could grasp.

This is the first film I saw Ben Affleck in. Can you say yummy? He looks a lot better with a goatee. I was heartbroken when I heard that he was hanging out with that dork, Matt Damon. Oh well.

I am not going to say anything about the plot because it would mess everything up. Let me just say one thing – the end is so stupid. So lame and bizarre that it is exactly the sort of thing that a guy would think would be a perfect solution to the problem. Guys are so stupid. Kevin Smith knows this.

Are comic books a theme with Kevin Smith? What do you think?