The House with a Clock in Its Walls


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Hey, kids! Let’s watch the new Eli Roth film!

Not something most parents would say, eh? But The House with a Clock in Its Walls is a kid movie, so it’s okay…I think. I can see why Roth was drawn to this story – it’s full of every kid’s worst fears: dead parents, a creepy old house, being the new kid at school, peer pressure, ghost moms – it’s like a fucking laundry list of fear! And don’t get me started on baby Jack Black – I’m having flashbacks every time I close my eyes.

My kids are coming around on Jack Black, I think. I mean, my daughter practically begged us to see the new Jumanji (haven’t yet) and she was excited about this one.

Cate Blanchett is an amazing actress and a joy to watch. Please let her be in every movie – all of them!

Kyle MacLachlan has got to be having so much fun playing quirky villains these days. He was absolutely chewing the scenery – it was greatness.

I didn’t even realize it while watching, but Angelica Schuyler herself was in the film. Such a shame that there wasn’t a call for her to sing.

I was expecting to play games on my phone the whole time I watched this, but it sucked me in and was a great bunch of fun.

We had watched this film months and months ago…it would blow their little MINDS if they knew this was the same guy who made Cabin Fever.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets


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Chamber of Secrets? That’s what I used to call my vajayjay back in college…

Thank you folks, I’ll be here all night. My children absolutely appreciate any and all mentions of their former abode and entry into the world, so let’s give them a round of applause for pushing me to revisit Harry Potter and to make inappropriate vagina jokes. My son voraciously consumed Harry Potter books the second he could read. My daughter was slower to get hooked and in fact, only promised to read them if I read them. Challenge accepted!

I saw Sorcerer’s Stone shortly after it was released, but never sat down and intentionally watched the rest of the films. I am fairly certain I’ve seen them all in bits and pieces over the years though. Having just finished reading the second book, my daughter and I had a Friday Night double feature of the first two films…

My favorite part is when I say Her-Mee-Oh-Nee instead of Her-My-Oh-Nee – my daughter has an absolute shit fit about me not saying it right.

Dobby is so fucking annoying. He reminds me of our dog, always cowering and whimpering. I wonder if I give her a sock, she’ll fucking leave?

While watching the film, I told my daughter that Gilderoy Lockhart is a butthole. She said, “No, he’s another B-word, but I can’t say it.” “A bitch?” “Yeah. Can I say that?” “Uh, no.” At what age is appropriate to let a child call someone a “little bitch”?

So, I didn’t know that a Basilisk was a snake – I thought they were lizards. The only thing I know about Basilisks was from playing Magic in college, and they looked like big fucking iguanas. Wikipedia was not very helpful, as they also have chicken legs and a cock’s comb. The fuck?

A fun film, but I feel like it was really long. My daughter fell asleep halfway through, but I made it through both. Onward to the next one!

Doctor Strange

Dammit, I haven’t even finished my review of Deadpool yet.

My husband made us get up super early Sunday morning to catch the first showing of Dr. Strange. 3D gives him a headache, so we saw the XD version…big ass screen and vibrating leather recliners…I’m not gonna complain there. They should totally start showing porn in XD. There was a primo selection of trailers: Wonder Woman (Guess I should start watching the DCU movies), Logan (Set to Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt”, it looks amazing), a xXx sequel (Lily really wants to see this…I couldn’t tell why, but I’m interested because of Ruby Rose), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (Guess I should watch the first one, oops), Benedict Cumberbatch in “Hamlet” (one of those special event things), Rogue One and yet another Pirates of the Caribbean sequel (yawn).

I don’t know shit about Doctor Strange, but he is the only guy in the MCU who seems to be a bigger egotistical ass than Tony Stark. Not that that’s a bad thing. I have a lot of goodwill for Benedict Cumberbatch, mostly due to his recent stint hosting SNL. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen him in anything except 30 minutes of that Star Trek remake sequel. Oh! He was the voice of Smaug – does that count? His ears are ridiculously small for his head. I couldn’t stop looking at his ears, honestly.

I was far more interested in the villain than the hero this go-around. I was devastated when Hannibal was canceled, but on the bright side, it gives Mads Mikkelson plenty of time for villainy. My current goal is to recreate his eye makeup EXACTLY – he had a fierce smoky eye. Fiercer than The Winter Soldier! Sally and I are going to practice…

Rachel McAdams wasn’t annoying either! I don’t think I’ve seen here in anything ever – her oeuvre is not exactly my thing. I do think her character took things a bit too well – she should’ve been freaking out a bit more, don’t you think?

And I thought that Ant-Man was trippy as fuck – it doesn’t hold a candle to wherever the fuck the Ancient One sent Doctor Strange. That was a helluva trip.

Of course we stayed all the way through the credits to see the bonus scenes. I won’t spoil them, but what I did notice is that the very last note in the credits, right after the disclaimer about resemblance to real persons, living or dead – was a plea against texting and driving. Yes! All this could’ve been avoided if Stephen Strange could’ve left his goddamn phone alone! But was it social responsibility or a legal disclaimer in case some asshole claimed that he was emulating the mysterious Doctor Strange? Damn my cynicism.

I enjoyed the film, but I fear it doesn’t have the endless rewatchability of the other MCU entries. I’ll let you know once it hits cable.