Chicago

 

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My son is currently ending a run in his high school’s production of Chicago, hence our household being soaked in “All That Jazz” for the last several months. (On a side note, these kids did an AMAZING job in this production – I mean, live music in a high school musical? Unheard of!) I’d never seen the play before, or even the movie version. Better late than never, right?

I can see how Chicago managed to nab Best Picture – it really is a spectacle of a film. The idea to stage most of the musical numbers in Roxie’s head was genius and well executed, although it caused the pacing to be stilted in parts.

Catherine Zeta-Jones also deserved 100% of her Oscar win – she was electrifying as Velma Kelley, stealing the show from Renee Zellweger. You know, I traditionally don’t care much for Renee Zellweger one way or another, but I hated her in Chicago. I wanted to punch her in the fucking face…no, I wanted to punch Roxie Hart in the fucking face. I guess that means that Zellweger did a good job, because she made me absolutely hate her character.

Poor Richard Gere, the only main actor who didn’t get nominated. Hell, John C. Reilly and Queen Latifah got nominated.

Cell Block Tango is the best musical number, followed closely by I Can’t Do it By Myself. Basically, every scene with Zeta-Jones was magic. I was missing My Baby and Me, one of my favorites from the stage version.

I gagged a little bit when the credits started and I saw “Harvey Weinstein” – so I guess that’s going to be a thing that happens now when I watch old Miramax films.

I was on the fence about the rating – is it two BOBs or three? Ultimately, I decided on three, because my husband – who hates musicals – sat through the whole thing. I know, I was shocked, too!

The Parent Trap (1961)

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I normally don’t watch BYUTV, but when they’re playing The Parent Trap, then why not? I didn’t intend to drag the whole family into it, I was just trying to be annoying…but they all got sucked into it.

These children of mine were so confused at first. It’s like they’ve never had to sit and listen to dialogue in a film to figure out what’s going on.

My mom was in love with Hayley Mills and had us watch all the movies, but she especially loved Pollyanna and The Parent Trap. She even cut her hair like Hayley – that weird, split down the middle mullet. She called it…’The Rutabaga.’ I feel like she had to force us to watch it, but my kids jumped in with gusto. The girl was watching TV in the other room and just wandered in…and she stayed! She actually chose THIS instead of her current Disney Channel shows.

I absolutely do not remember all the music being by Annette Funicello…but really, who else could it be? She was like the 1960s Selena Gomez. I also didn’t remember all the spousal abuse. She punched him in the fucking eye!

Ultimately, the kids liked the movie, but they said it was “so weird.” If they think this one is weird, I need to get them into the really hard stuff…Old Yeller, Pollyana, The Shaggy DA – all that shit. It will blow their minds…

On a sidenote, the commercials on BYUTV are super weird. They’re all for other weird shows I’ve never heard of. I guess Mormons have special shows? One was for a prank show…they were hiding in high school trash cans. Huh?

Orgazmo

Written by, directed by and starring South Park co-creater Trey Parker…Oh, what a heavy burden to bear. The pressure to supply big laughs must be an almost unbearable burden by now. But probably not….

Trey Parker is a Mormon missionary in LA. He gets talked into being a porn star – because he needs the money to pay for his wedding. He doesn’t have to sin though, to do this – they will just use a ‘stunt cock.’ STUNT COCK? His sidekick, Choader Boy, is played by Little Bitch from BASEketball. He has 2 PhDs from MIT, but has become a porn star because he is…well, he’s Little Bitch. Matt Stone, the other half of South Park, plays cameraman Dave, who’s not queer or nuthin’ – but he thinks Depeche Mode is really kewl…

Ron Jeremy (troll with a big dick) is in this film. I met Ron Jeremy once. Me and Erin went to New Fine Arts to meet him. (Christy Lakes was also there and she hit on us, too.) Anyway, we made the mistake of giving him our phone numbers. He left dirty messages on our answering machines. Mostly because we were too afraid to actually pick up the phone. He wanted us to come and party with him at Eden 2000 (if you know the Dallas area, you know that Eden 2000 was the lamest teenybopper club in the Metroplex.) We didn’t answer our phones for a week after that…

Anyway, back to Orgazmo. Very, very funny, though not quite as funny as BASEketball. Really it is not fair to compare Orgazmo to BASEketball, because BASEketball is a Zucker film and an entirely different type of film. Orgazmo got screwed by the MPAA. It got a rating of NC-17, but was barely and R-rated film. You only get to see breasts ONCE in the entire film. There are a helluva lot of dildos in the film, but that is about it. Boogie Nights has a 18 inch prosthetic penis for Markie Mark and gets an R rating. A couple dildos and Orgazmo gets NC-17…I don’t get it.