The Mummy (2017)

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I’ve never tried so hard to NOT watch a movie. I played games on my phone, ate cinnamon toast, took a dump…yet I still ended up watching too much of this abysmal film.

They thought they were starting a Universal Monsters extended Film Universe…but they led with the wrong monster! Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll was the only watchable part of this whole mess. If they had led with Dr. Jekyll, maybe this whole thing could’ve worked.

It wasn’t empowerment – the only reason they made the Mummy a woman was so that they could dress a model in a skimpy mummy outfit.

Oh the good old double-double cross – ugh, I’m so tired of seeing this tired old trope. Also tired of the dead comrade moving the plot along trope – see American Werewolf in London and Pet Sematery. That’s really what’s wrong with the film – it’s all cliches, nothing fresh at all. Ugh, so bad.

Bubba Ho-Tep

Is there anyone better to spend Halloween (and my wedding anniversary) with than Bruce Campbell?

After waiting probably over a year, Bubba Ho-Tep finally opened at the Angelika as part of the Deep Ellum Film Festival. I almost peed on myself from excitement as we were waiting in line to get into the theater. Less than five minutes into the film, I knew it had been worth the wait.

Bruce Campbell stars as Elvis – Elvis now, present day – an old coot in a rest home. Elvis traded places with an Elvis Impersonator and it was the Impersonator who really overdosed on the toilet. His compatriots in the nursing home begin dying at an even higher rate than usual and he must get to the bottom of it. He’s assisted by John F. Kennedy, passionately played by Ossie Davis. Yes, THE Ossie Davis. He says the CIA kept a piece of his brain, dyed him black and let him go. Yeah. After some investigation, the old codgers discover that the nursing home residents are being knocked off by a grafitti-happy mummy that kills his victims by sucking their souls out via an orifice…I’ll give you three guesses which one…

Most of the big laughs in the film come from Elvis’ ruminations on the dysfunction, infection and later resurrection of his pecker. There’s no nudity, very little gore in the film, but by golly, it still warrants a solid R Rating on the running commentary of the state of his penis. Thankfully, we never see the pus-oozing sore causing all the soliloquies…

Maybe Bruce Campbell will finally get the credit he deserves as an actor. He really was Elvis. Admittedly, there was always a little bit of Elvis in Ash – “Hail to the king, baby.” There was not even a tiny smidgen of Ash in Campbell’s depiction of Elvis. Despite Campbell’s penchant for physical comedy throughout the Evil Dead films and beyond, the physical comedy of portraying a geriatric Elvis required subtlety…and Campbell definitely came through. Gone was the sheer joy of seeing Ash being hit in the head 43 times in a row…instead the audience was given the pleasure of Elvis going after the mummy on a Hoveround.

Sitting through the end of the credits, we were teased with the message “Elvis returns in Bubba Nosferatu: Wrath of the She-Vampires.” Please, please let this be true.

Damn, damn, damn good film. It’s playing at the Angelika until Thursday, November 6 – so get your ass down there pronto!


The Mummy Returns

I cannot remember the last time I was so disappointed in a film.

If it wasn’t for the special effects, this piece of mummified dog crap would have gotten no bobs. There was no plot, scratch that, what little plot there was totally contradicted the first film. Rick didn’t have any tattoos in the first film – but that’s nothing. If Evie was the reincarnated Princess, why didn’t The Mummy recognize her if the first film, huh? Why the fuck would he want to put his girlfriend in the body of her nemesis? Irony? Please. Why didn’t Evie remember anything of her previous life when she saw The Mummy the first time? Why did The Mummy bother bringing Anck-Su-Namun’s soul back into the body of her reincarnation – wasn’t her soul already there anyway? Where was Artis’ huge army of Medjai in the first film? They totally could have killed the Mummy in about 10 seconds!

Even more dissapointing – The Rock was only in the film for about 5 minutes. He didn’t even have any lines in english, he just screeched in Egyptian(?) like a bad Gladiator rip-off. When he came back to life at the end, he was totally CG – if they were gonna do that, why did they even bother to put him in the beginning of the film? They could have just done him with computers and saved a whole lot of money.

The Pygmy Mummies were gay, but they made me laugh. What’s next? Fetal Mummies? The Anubis Warrior Mummies were better than the Pygmies. I was pissed off that they couldn’t come up with anything better than the Mummy’s wall of water – it was exactly the same as the sand/airplane scene in the first film.

Even the previews were disapointing. Most of them were for stupid sequels – Scary Movie 2, Jurassic Park 3, Rush Hour 2…Final Fantasy looks cool though.

I think I’ll be renting The Scorpion King.


The Mummy

Gurrr-owlll! And I bet you think I’m talking about Brendan Fraser…nope, he is a total dork. I am talking about the mummy. The Mummy was yummy. What is it about bald men? He was just too hot. I would have let him have my body any day. A close second was the main protector guy. He was el mucho uno. I guess that makes poor Brendan third on the sexy list…

Enough of that Cosmo Who’s Sexy crap…time for the serious film analysis. Unfortunately, that is not possible with The Mummy. It is just too wacky. It was fun to watch, but it’s no Citizen Kane. It was more like a rejected Indiana Jones script. I know Indiana Jones and Brendan Fraser is no Indiana Jones.

The best parts were the parts with Beni, the creepy little guide. I loved the part when he pulled out the different icons when confronted by the mummy. The film would have dragged without him and the comedy relief. The special effects were amazing. The mummy animation was okay, but what really thrilled me was the tracking shot of ancient Thebes at the very beginning. It was so magnificent and breathtaking that I got the hiccups.

Now on to the bullshit – and I do mean bullshit. Flesh-eating beetles? Quicksand without water? A pressurized acid trap? All pretty gay if you ask me. But if you overlook the weaknesses in plot device, The Mummy is really fun to watch.