The Mummy

July 1, 1999

Gurrr-owlll! And I bet you think I’m talking about Brendan Fraser…nope, he is a total dork. I am talking about the mummy. The Mummy was yummy. What is it about bald men? He was just too hot. I would have let him have my body any day. A close second was the main protector guy. He was el mucho uno. I guess that makes poor Brendan third on the sexy list…

Enough of that Cosmo Who’s Sexy crap…time for the serious film analysis. Unfortunately, that is not possible with The Mummy. It is just too wacky. It was fun to watch, but it’s no Citizen Kane. It was more like a rejected Indiana Jones script. I know Indiana Jones and Brendan Fraser is no Indiana Jones.

The best parts were the parts with Beni, the creepy little guide. I loved the part when he pulled out the different icons when confronted by the mummy. The film would have dragged without him and the comedy relief. The special effects were amazing. The mummy animation was okay, but what really thrilled me was the tracking shot of ancient Thebes at the very beginning. It was so magnificent and breathtaking that I got the hiccups.

Now on to the bullshit – and I do mean bullshit. Flesh-eating beetles? Quicksand without water? A pressurized acid trap? All pretty gay if you ask me. But if you overlook the weaknesses in plot device, The Mummy is really fun to watch.