Wonder Woman 1984

 

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It wasn’t THAT bad…but yeah, it was definitely not a good movie, per se…or even a mediocre one, because its failures were spectacular in scope…dammit, okay, I’m dancing around it. Wonder Woman 1984 was bad.

Bad is purely subjective when it comes to the DCEU…it surely wasn’t the worst – see Batman v Superman for example – but since the first Wonder Woman is clearly the best so far, it makes it all the more obvious that WW84 just doesn’t stack up. It’s a rehash of old plots…almost as if Superman 2 arrived to an 80s themed party with an Infinity Stone in one hand and a Monkey’s Paw in the other. That’s as spoilery as I will get, as there may be a few out there who haven’t seen it yet.

Kristen Wiig was wasted as Cheetah. Her character was the most fun to watch, even though her character arc was ridiculous. She was doing the best she could with the horrible material she got.

The internet has decided that Wonder Woman raped that poor guy who was unfortunate enough to host the personality of Steve Trevor. It’s an interesting ethical question to be sure – which entity is more important, the mind or the body it presently inhabits. I’m assuming the screenwriter intended the ethical dilemma, or why not have a naked Steve Trevor fall out of the sky? Even so, this brings up questions for any piece of media with body-swapping. Was Sam Beckett getting folks raped in every episode of Quantum Leap (maybe)? Ooooh, was Elizabeth Perkins a child molester in Big (yikes, but kinda)? Wait..was Steve Trevor sexually assaulting his host body every time he took his dick out to pee??? Ultimately, it matters little whether Wonder Woman raped that guy or not…she’s the daughter of Zeus, a god known for having his way with every living creature that crossed his path. How can you apply human laws to a god?

There were a few joyful moments in the film. The invisible jet was fun, although I have a hard time believing that The Smithsonian keeps fueled jets in the backlot and an even harder time believing that WWI era Steve Trevor could fly one. The after-credits scene made me giddy…I shrieked!

An ideal ending for ME would’ve been Bruce Wayne wishing his parents back to life, only to have them disappear 15 minutes later, which in turn, is what drives him to become Batman, in order to KILL Wonder Woman. Yes, THAT would’ve been an interesting twist.

I’d love to say that I have high hopes for the already greenlighted Wonder Woman 3, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Richard Pryor might show up…

Night of the Demons (1988)

 

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How have I never seen this before? My husband decided to torture us with this 80s classic.

Notable cast is…Kurt Kelly from Heathers and the one and only Linnea Quigley. What the fuck, lipstick titty?

Angela is the goth queen we all deserve. Yes, the film takes place on Halloween, but why do I feel like she dresses like that every day? Sal’s face during her bizarro dance scene was the exact look on every normie’s face when they wandered into The Church. [NOTE: The Church was goth club in Dallas, active during the 90s and early 00s. Author may have looked as nutty as Angela did while dancing there.]

There are some great lines (“Eat a bowl of fuck!”, “Do you guys have sour balls?”), as well as some truly ridiculous sight gags. The effects are about what you’d expect for the 80s…except for the demon at the end…that demon looked like a claymation crawfish! This is a horror CLASSIC, dammit! And there are two sequels out for us to enjoy!

I had no idea that they remade this in 2009 with Shannon Elizabeth. I bet it sucks.

The Mummy (2017)

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I’ve never tried so hard to NOT watch a movie. I played games on my phone, ate cinnamon toast, took a dump…yet I still ended up watching too much of this abysmal film.

They thought they were starting a Universal Monsters extended Film Universe…but they led with the wrong monster! Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll was the only watchable part of this whole mess. If they had led with Dr. Jekyll, maybe this whole thing could’ve worked.

It wasn’t empowerment – the only reason they made the Mummy a woman was so that they could dress a model in a skimpy mummy outfit.

Oh the good old double-double cross – ugh, I’m so tired of seeing this tired old trope. Also tired of the dead comrade moving the plot along trope – see American Werewolf in London and Pet Sematery. That’s really what’s wrong with the film – it’s all cliches, nothing fresh at all. Ugh, so bad.

Amityville II: The Possession

One of the stupidest movies ever. The film makers tried to combine the best of movies like the first Amityville with movies like the The Exorcist. What they did was combine fail with fail. Do you remember in Greatest American Hero when Mr Hinkley got his remedial English class to stage Romeo and Juliet? Their acting is like the acting in this movie. Any scene with interaction or dialogue is like watching Mr. H’s English class rehearse their lines. The problem is, the acting is the best thing about this movie.

It all starts when a charming lower middle class Italian American family moves into a giant haunted house in a place called Amityville. Too bad for them, there’s a filthy room under the house full of flies, stinking mud and demons. The first lesson of the film: Demons create plumbing problems. But no one cares. Leaking pipes have created a mud-filled room under the house, but we’re not going to worry about it. We like rotting sewer right next to where we do our laundry. Whatever.

There were a lot of parental guidance warnings before this movie. They lead one to expect a lot. Rape, incest, things like that. Sitting there watching the opening credits I couldn’t help but wonder what I was in for. There were going to be some intense dramatic moments in this one, I thought to myself. Better steel myself for the worst. Well what a let down. Sure lots of things are alluded to, are innuendoed. Whatever. No one bought their ticket to this thing so they could read between the lines. Why the hell am I sitting here if not to watch some incestuous rape? Come-on.

When everyone is killed it’s not really very interesting. After that the movie becomes The Exorcist: Part Dumb. The final sequence pays off marginally with some gory special effects. Then the movie’s over. Too bad, you think to yourself. I would have liked to turn that off sooner. I wish I could go back in time and watch something else. I hate 1982. Dino De Laurentiis Company, go fuck yourself.

 

Idle Hands

Another rip-off teen horror film. Another retelling of ‘The Hands of Orloc.’ Another trendy ‘potsmoking is cool’ film. But this one is missing something that the recent crop of teen slasher crap (Scream 1 & 2, I Know What…, Disturbing Behavior, Urban Legends, The Faculty, ad nauseum) have – picture perfect teens getting sliced by horrible villians and/or the people they trust (mostly parents and teachers) – THANK GOD!

Don’t get me wrong, I liked Scream and all, but as for the rest of them, I have a hard time believing that they are anything but ‘a very special Halloween episode’ of Dawson’s Creek or Party of Five or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or whatever teen melodrama. At least that is what the cast list is like. It seems like the first thing even mentioned in the commercials these days are ‘Jennifer Love Hewitt, star of TV’s Party of Five,’ or ‘Brandy, star of TV’s Moesha’ or ‘every single fucking person from Dawson’s fucking Creek!’ OK, I admit that Seth Green is in TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so no film is safe from pernicious, pretty faced TV dork syndrome. End of rant.

I laughed my ass off while watching Idle Hands. It was almost as funny as Bride of Chucky. But it was also fairly scary. The beginning of the film was like vintage John Carpenter. No, it really was a throwback to the old Corman flicks, because it didn’t know whether it was a horror or a comedy or both, but I think that comedy won out. Even though the music was back to old fashioned scary sounds (of course – it was done by Graeme Revell) – and I was really shocked when people got killed – very violently of course. Idle Hands was also not afraid to go for the gross-out. There were ears, eyeballs and goo everywhere, not to mention the nastiest bologna sandwich I have ever seen in my life. Of course it is partially a tribute to the Evil Dead films. Now that Sam Raimi’s doing serious stuff like A Simple Plan, someone has got to fill the void.

Devon Sawa is stoned and covered in blood for most of the film, but somehow still appealing. Jessica Alba is cute, but she has a bad habit of pouting and mugging for the camera. Hopefully, that is a result of direction and not her acting style, because if she keeps it up, she’ll be relegated to doing shampoo commercials forever.

Very funny, almost scary film. Definitely not from the same mold as the last round of teen flicks…and it had the guy from that show ‘Dead at 21’ – am I the only one who remembers that show?