Re-Animator

 

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Re-Animator was another film featured in Eli Roth’s History of Horror, so of course, my kids had to see it. On top of that, there’ll be a Re-Animator reunion at Texas Frightmare Weekend this year, with Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbott and Barbara Crampton in attendance. Since I already met Jeffrey Combs at one of his appearances years ago, I’ll probably skip his line this year – but I think it gives the kids a thrill to just walk by these actors and recognize them from their works.

Loosely based on a H.P. Lovecraft story that I’ve never read, Re-Animator is the tale of Dr. Herbert West and his quest to reanimate the dead. It’s not hyperbole to say that Herbert West is Jeffrey Combs’ most iconic role and the one he’s most known for. His frantic, erratic energy is contagious. As Lily said, “Ugh, he’s just as weird as he was in The Frighteners.” She did not like him at all. Probably because of Rufus…

I’d forgotten about how creepy and rapey Dr. Hill was – I think he scared the kids more than Herbert West! I also forgot about his, um…lick rape? Is that what you call it? We were all rooting for his comeuppance.

More than 30 years later, Re-Animator is still a suspenseful thrill ride, filled with gallons and gallons of blood. Good thing there are some sequels I can find for the kids!

The Boondock Saints

I was riveted before the credits started. Fucking shit, how did I not see this when it came out? Or at least any time in the last 12 years?

Now I understand the long line to see Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery at Texas Frightmare Weekend. I was pretty sure it wasn’t because of Blade II or Mongolian Death Worm, but I didn’t fully understand until I saw the film. They were like modern day superheroes, taking out the mob in the name of the lord. I questioned their inclusion in a Horror Convention, but truth be told, the body count was higher than most horror movies. I stopped counting at 30…

Sean Patrick Flanery *would* have been dead fucking sexy if I hadn’t shared an elevator with him at Frightmare. He’s not freakishly short or Tom Cruise tiny, but he is a small, thin man. Also, no neck tattoo in real life…

Every single person in the film smokes. This film should have a Surgeon General’s Warning, because it is dangerous to my health.

I could have used subtitles…I know I missed half of what the McManus Brothers were saying…dirty Irish mumblers.

Ron fucking Jeremy! And Jeanna Fine! Erin and I LOVE her! She is the star of our favorite porn scene EVER…the one in the barn…you know the one…

“I can’t believe that just fucking happened!” Do I need to start a new list for Pussy Trauma?

Willem Dafoe…I have no words for his performance. He kept surprising me, over and over and over again. I can’t say more, can’t spoil any of his surprises…

So there’s a sequel that came out within the last few years…it’s on the DVR, waiting for me. It

 

Batman

“Mommy, they sure do spend a lot of time together…”

Four years old son’s gaydar is already strong – I’m so proud! It only took about 15 minutes to come to the conclusion that something isn’t right about those two…and these are the ones without nipples on their costumes.

Regardless of their sexual orientation, my son was REALLY into the film, as I thought he would be. As a matter of fact, he immediately asked to watch it again when it was over, but I was a meany and deleted it to reserve precious DVR space.

Although entertaining enough for a four year old, Batman was hard for me to watch without cringing…but unlike Sgt. Pepper or Howard the Duck, Batman was actually popular back in the 60s. If you believe their memoirs, Adam West and Burt Ward got more pussy than Wilt Chamberlain. Can Michael Keaton or Val Kilmer or George Clooney or even Christian Bale make that claim? (I don’t doubt that George Clooney is drowning in pussy, but it’s a little known fact that most of his pussy comes from his Facts of Life fanbase.)

In addition to the questions about Batman and Robin’s powerful sexuality, many other question were raised – and answered. Why didn’t Cesar Romero shave off his mustache? It’s obvious that Batman was filmed over a drug and alcohol fuelled three day weekend, so he just didn’t bother, since he had to go back to his day job on Monday. What happened to Julie Newmar as Catwoman? Adam West gave her a scorching case of herpes, which made the catsuit unbearable, so they brought in Lee Meriwether until she scabbed over. Why didn’t Batman toss the cat in the water during the big submarine fight scene? Originally, the script called for ‘Pussy Fu’ – which involved heavy stunt work from Catwoman. After the herpes incident, the scene was rewritten, substituting a cat for Catwoman.

Now that I’ve answered all of the previously unanswerable questions, you can feel free to drag your kids along during your stroll along memory lane with Batman. You’ll both be laughing, albeit for totally different reasons.