Friday the 13th: Part III

 

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Although released to the theaters in 3D, Part III is one the most boring installments in the series.

The film wastes so much time with the motorcycle gang. Why even bother having them harass the kids at the convenience store, other than to show what pussies the kids are? Or maybe it was just an excuse to add some unsympathetic victims to the body count? Or a deus ex machina to get gasoline out of the van?

This is the film that gives Jason his iconic Hockey Mask, stolen from Shelly, the prankster.

The final girl, Chris, had previously survived an encounter with Jason in the woods…but when was that? Was it in-between the first and second films, when he was mourning his mother? And why is she imagining Mrs. Voorhees (with her head) dragging her into a lake at the end?

We DVRed this one for the kids off SyFy and it’s edited all to hell. We actually got the whole series, up to Jason X in one shot…so I guess they’ll miss out on all the good stuff.

Ant-Man and the Wasp

 

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Thanks to my kids’ Netflix account, we all finally got to watch Ant-Man and the Wasp. You heard me right – my kids mutinied and set up their own Netflix account for the summer. (I canceled my account when we moved out to the Double D Ranch, land of 1.5mbps internet.) It is a testament to their character and financial acumen that they were able to agree to each contribute $4/month to share an account, all without any involvement of my husband or I. The best part – if they ever start fighting about it, I can just throw up my hands and walk away. My son may have made a great mistake though – Netflix has ALL the Buddies movies – and my daughter LOVES them. It’s gonna be a rough summer for him…

Oh, and about Ant-Man and the Wasp…the story picks up a bit after Civil War, near the end of Scott Lang’s house arrest. Although I knew that the story centered on finding Janet Van Dyne, I had somehow managed to avoid any other spoilers (other than the obvious Endgame tie-ins). The film was a fun ride with a lot of unexpected gifts.

My favorite gift? Luis’ grandma’s jukebox that only played Morrisey songs. I feel like she’s a woman I could relate to. In fact, everything having to do with Luis is a gift. I hope he gets his suit, powers or not.

Walton Goggins was another gift. Unfortunately, I always get him confused with Simon Ogg (The Walking Dead), who is coincidentally also a gift.

Baba Yaga. Gift.

Randall Park (also a gift) gets to be in the DCEU AND the MCU! No fair!

PS, I hate magic tricks, especially sleight of hand, but Scott Lang’s card tricks were also a gift.

I was not in love with the ending – the “laying of hands” part got big eye-rolls from me. The word “quantum” itself became a deus ex machina in Endgame, but it I guess I’m not smart enough to understand what “quantum powers” are. I’ve even seen every episode of The Big Bang Theory and I STILL don’t get it. I guess I’m just dumb.

Looking forward to the next Ant-Man installment. Will Cassie get a chance to be his partner?

Avengers: Endgame

 

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I don’t even know how to write a review about Endgame that doesn’t contain at least 50 spoilers, so instead…you’ll get feelings and emotions. I know, I know – not like me at all.

We went and saw Endgame on opening weekend, which we NEVER do – but my son made a good case for avoiding spoilers – Infinity War was totally spoiled for him at school. Junior High is a fucking warzone, ya’ll. Even though we planned ahead and got tickets for Sunday, he managed to get spoiled on Friday – some assface “friend” leaked a death. I tried, son…I tried.

I checked my heartrate (via fitbit) while viewing and it was a wild ride. It just kept going up and up and up. The action just never let up. I laughed a lot more than I expected. I cried just the right amount, which is once. I won’t spoil the film by saying what, except to say it was somewhere in the middle and it was a hug and OMG, I AM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Endgame was so good, it gave me a to-do list…

To do list #1 – make my son watch The Big Lebowski with me, then rewatch Endgame. Hell, maybe we should watch ALL of the Coen Brothers’ films for good measure.

The Community cameos made me SQUEAL! (Kinda spoiler-y, but I’m not perfect.) To do list #2, persuade both kids to watch Community on Amazon Prime. I’ve been bugging the boy for years to binge watch it, but he won’t do it.

To do list #3, see if my VHS copy of National Lampoon’s Senior Trip still works, so I can revisit my 1996 crush on Jeremy Renner.

Funny story real quick – right before we left to see Endgame, my husband had Fantastic 4 2 on in the background…my daughter was so fucking confused. She asked, “Since when could Captain America do that?” as Johnny Storm was torching around. That gave us a good laugh – she had no idea that Chris Evans was ever another superhero. That brings me to #4 – rewatch Not Another Teen Movie, so I can see America’s Ass™ in a whipped cream bikini.

Endgame gave everyone the ending they deserved. I mean, never before has there been a 22 (or is it 23) movie build-up like this, with expectations built up for so many character arcs. Full disclosure – it’s just 20 movies for me, haven’t watched GotG2 or AM&W yet – even so, I felt so invested in this universe – sure, James Bond has over 20 movies, but who is emotionally invested in James Bond? It’s weeks later and the family is STILL discussing it. I’m actually considering taking the kids to see it again, to pick up any goodies we may have missed the first time. I always thought there would only ever be one 5 BOB movie, but I feel compelled to change my mind and bestow the coveted 5 BOB rating upon Endgame.

Jennifer’s Body

I couldn’t stop looking at Megan Fox’s freaky toe thumbs.

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Seriously, her thumbs look like TOES!

I had to entertain myself somehow…most of the movie was shit-fuck-boring. I couldn’t bring myself to care about any of the characters at all – whether they lived or died or got fucked. Speaking of fucking, there wasn’t much of it. Megan Fox was not really a Succubus, as she wasn’t even nice enough to fuck guys before she ate them. She only made out with them – she was a total demon cock tease. I was also disappointed by the much hyped “lesbian scene” with Amanda Seyfried – all they did was kiss, people! It wasn’t that big a deal!

At least I got some Amy Sedaris!

Diablo Cody, I see what you did there. Megan Fox as a man eating demon is a metaphor for the toxic environment that girls experience in High School. Lots of pretty high school girls are maneaters metaphorically, if not literally like Megan Fox’s character. Those bitches chew men up and spit them out, fucking over their friends in the process. Sorry Diablo, it’s been done better…Heathers is the gold standard, but even JawBreaker did it better. Diablo’s trademark teen slang was immediately apparent. Although I won’t be saying hot guys are ‘salty’ or getting ‘a wetty,’ I may start calling people ‘freaktarded.’

There were a few really good laughs in the film. The ‘867-5309’ scene was the best moment in the film. The scene with the Goth guy singing Screeching Weasel in his car on the way to meet Jennifer also struck me as really genuine. (Or maybe I just like Kyle Gallner?) All in all, I liked the music a lot – especially ‘Kiss with a Fist.’ I know I’m old and shit, but I can still like young people music, right? RIGHT? I’m not permanently relegated to listening to old people music, am I?

Speaking of old people music, I kept expecting the song ‘Jennifer’s Body’ to figure into the film somehow. When the credits rolled, I heard the riff of a familiar Hole song…but it was ‘Violet,’ not ‘Jennifer’s Body.’ I’m so confused…I guess they didn’t want to go with the obvious choice?

It wasn’t a horrible film or anything, it just wasn’t as good as it could have been…with more nudity, more sex and maybe less toe thumbs.