August 16, 2011

I couldn’t stop looking at Megan Fox’s freaky toe thumbs.

A post shared by Lara (@knobbygirl) on

Seriously, her thumbs look like TOES!

I had to entertain myself somehow…most of the movie was shit-fuck-boring. I couldn’t bring myself to care about any of the characters at all – whether they lived or died or got fucked. Speaking of fucking, there wasn’t much of it. Megan Fox was not really a Succubus, as she wasn’t even nice enough to fuck guys before she ate them. She only made out with them – she was a total demon cock tease. I was also disappointed by the much hyped “lesbian scene” with Amanda Seyfried – all they did was kiss, people! It wasn’t that big a deal!

At least I got some Amy Sedaris!

Diablo Cody, I see what you did there. Megan Fox as a man eating demon is a metaphor for the toxic environment that girls experience in High School. Lots of pretty high school girls are maneaters metaphorically, if not literally like Megan Fox’s character. Those bitches chew men up and spit them out, fucking over their friends in the process. Sorry Diablo, it’s been done better…Heathers is the gold standard, but even JawBreaker did it better. Diablo’s trademark teen slang was immediately apparent. Although I won’t be saying hot guys are ‘salty’ or getting ‘a wetty,’ I may start calling people ‘freaktarded.’

There were a few really good laughs in the film. The ‘867-5309’ scene was the best moment in the film. The scene with the Goth guy singing Screeching Weasel in his car on the way to meet Jennifer also struck me as really genuine. (Or maybe I just like Kyle Gallner?) All in all, I liked the music a lot – especially ‘Kiss with a Fist.’ I know I’m old and shit, but I can still like young people music, right? RIGHT? I’m not permanently relegated to listening to old people music, am I?

Speaking of old people music, I kept expecting the song ‘Jennifer’s Body’ to figure into the film somehow. When the credits rolled, I heard the riff of a familiar Hole song…but it was ‘Violet,’ not ‘Jennifer’s Body.’ I’m so confused…I guess they didn’t want to go with the obvious choice?

It wasn’t a horrible film or anything, it just wasn’t as good as it could have been…with more nudity, more sex and maybe less toe thumbs.

Year – 2009
Rating – R
Runtime – 102 minutes
Genre – Black Comedy/Horror
Director(s) – Karyn Kusama
Writer(s) – Diablo Cody
Actor(s) – Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Johnny Simmons, Adam Brody, Amy Sedaris
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "It smells like Thai food in here. Have you guys been fucking?" - Jennifer Check (Megan Fox)