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Good god, this film was annoying. Even days later, I am annoyed by this film.

It was just so cliche – the whole ‘I love you/conflict/I hate you/conflict/I love you again’ structure is so tiresome and predictable. I was able to predict each beat of the film minutes before it happened. Also, the film would’ve been more compelling if the stars weren’t so conventionally “hot”. I know, I know – no one wants to see ugly people fuck, but imagine if the film was recast with more normal looking actors…OR if there was a wide gulf between the two. Imagine someone like Seth Rogen or Josh Gad trying to make Jennifer Lawrence fall in love with him – THAT’S a movie.

Michael Sheen as the AI Bartender was the one bright spot in the film. I still cannot tell if he was a malicious AI, or merely lacking in social awareness.

So, am I the only one disappointed that the film didn’t go into full on Shining territory? I feel like the beginning was boring, but that there was potential for some really great psychological exploration in the middle…but then the explosions started and it was just another SciFi movie. Blech, boring.

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now…Kolossus.

Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it’s made out of meat? It’s like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon to check out the slices…What a coincidence that this giant robot happened to be released near Chernobyl at the exact time that Mega Shark needs a good ass kicking?

I was somewhat amused by Team Unicorn’s cameo in the beginning of the film. I just happened to recognize Clare Grant – Seth Green’s wife. What? I guess I stalk him on Instagram and have seen A LOT of pictures of her.

Illeana Douglas is the only somewhat known star in the film. I’ve always liked her as the quirky sister or best friend. Now she’s playing the quirky scientist. Watching her try to explain Mega Shark parthenogenesis was easily the highlight of a somewhat boring entry in the Mega Shark series.

Unfortunately, the week leading up to Sharknado 3 is full of bad shark movies…and we’re DVRing every single one of them. Consider yourself WARNED.