Tooth Fairy

As a parent, I must do unpleasant things from time to time…wipe snotty noses and dirty asses, clean up puke, remove pieces of French Toast from my daughter’s nose…and watch Disney movies.

As nice as The Rock is to look at, it wasn’t enough to distract me from the ridiculous message of this film. The Tooth Fairy servitude plot was secondary to the overarching suggestion that adults should tell children that they’re AWESOME constantly or their little lives will be meaningless and full of despair. What kind of fucked up bullshit is that? I am all about encouraging children towards greatness, but at what point does it become harmful? We AREN’T all beautiful unique snowflakes – shielding children from all disappointment may well turn them into little Lohans and van der Sloots. Excessive examples to be sure, but true examples of individuals that have inflated self worth due to never having been told “NO.” Or maybe I am a horrible person…could be either one.

I’m gonna be fucked when my kids start losing teeth…The Rock was giving those little shits wads of cash! Fuck you very much, Disney!

Billy Crystal was like a consolation prize, after suffering through Ashley Judd and her whiny crotchfruit. Stephen Merchant couldn’t take the pain away either.

Is it bad that I got aroused when The Rock was dressed in the pink Tooth Fairy dress? I am a BAD, horrible person, for sure…

 

Blades of Glory

I promised my friend Sexboy that I would try to stop using “gay” as a derogatory term referring to things that are stupid or lame. It’s a bad habit that I’ve gotten into – thank YOU, South Park – and I’m trying to break it. Keeping this in mind, it was so very hard to watch Blades of Glory – from the opening credits on, my head was screaming “gay…gay…GAY!” I don’t mean gay, as in stupid or lame – more like gay as it pertains to two penises rubbing against each other. There were lots of penises rubbing together in this film, so it’s ok to call it gay, right? RIGHT?

In addition to all of the obvious “gay” jokes about figure skating as a sport, there were the two men figure skating together “gay” jokes. There were so many “gay” jokes that the “incest” jokes seemed refreshing by comparison. I’m not gonna get all politically correct or anything and say there were too many “gay” jokes…but…uhh…

Blades of Glory felt like just another notch on Will Ferrell’s belt. He’s done NASCAR and Soccer, plus he has a Basketball film coming out. When’s that Will Ferrell movie about Curling coming out?

On the other hand, this is probably a step up for Jon Heder. I haven’t seen the Benchwarmers or School for Scoundrels, but word on the street is that I’m not missing anything.

I’ve been having GOB withdrawal ever since Arrested Development was canceled. I hope that this movie gets some attention for Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Or maybe they don’t get any attention and release a sex tape. I bet they’re nasty!

Blades of Glory made me laugh really, REALLY hard…but I felt really, REALLY guilty about it later.

Mystery, Alaska

I was expecting the Mighty Ducks in Alaska.

But it wasn’t, thank god. I remember having to sit through The Mighty Ducks in my 11th grade Sociology class. Don’t ask me why we watched it, probably the same reason we watched The Fall of the House of Usher – our teacher was a coach – or maybe it was after finals, I don’t recall…anyway, I enjoyed Mystery, Alaska whereas The Mighty Ducks was….but I digress.

It was an interesting film with interesting characters. There were just enough subplots to keep it from being a straight on sports movie (which I hate), to being a movie that happens to include sports, which is okay sometimes. I honestly tried to go to sleep while watching it, but I couldn’t. I guess that’s as good a testimonial as any.

Russell Crowe actually looked cute in this film. I think it was the hair. Long hair suits him better than the Gladiator cut or whatever the fuck he did to his hair at the Oscars – was that a perm? He hid his accent pretty well in this one – better than in Gladiator anyway. I would like to see him in a film where he actually gets to play an Australian though – he could have Hugh Jackman from X-Men in it too and they could maybe have some reason or other to have Nicole Kidman in it, but she dies horribly in the first scene. I would pay full price to see that film.

I was also suprised that the director was Jay Roach – since he directed the Austin Powers films, I didn’t expect Mystery, Alaska to be so subdued. I didn’t expect the cameo by Mike Myers, either – but I should have. He was shitty in the way that only sportscasters can be shitty – lovin’ the team when their winning, but talkin’ shit when they’re not.

Burt Reynold was an everloving dick at the start of the film, but he turned out to be pretty cool. He look so much better with his new white toupee as opposed to his old black one. His son was played by Scott Grimes, remember him? He was one of Sam’s boyfriends on Who’s the Boss? – he was kind of geeky then, but okay now. I used to have thing for redheaded boys, until I realized cute little redheaded boys usually grew up into ugly redheaded men.

It’s a cute little film, not too brain intensive, but too Hollywood. It’s on cable every other day now, so give it a chance if there’s no skin on Skinemax.