Ninja Cheerleaders

77 minutes of my life that I will never get back again.

That’s right, this piece of shit runs a mercifully short 77 minutes, plus 5-6 minutes of slow running credits. It’s even shorter when you account for 10 second montages of ninja swords, boobs and pom poms between each scene. Actually, those headless boob montages are the only boobs you see in the whole film. Even though the titular Ninja Cheerleaders are also Strippers, they never get naked because they assert that they are “Go Go Dancers.” In fact, they are supposed to be so hot that they manage to win a $50,000 Stripping Contest without actually stripping. What. The. Fuck.

Mr. Sulu plays the girls’ Sensei/Strip Club Boss. He is obviously looking out for the girls’ best interests by putting his best students to work non-stripping so that they can all go to an Ivy League School. (They’re not in High School, though – they’re in condemned looking Junior College and I guess cheerleading for a Junior College Basketball team – Huh?) Eddie (sans The Cruisers) portrays the evil mob boss that kidnaps Mr. Sulu. He’s aged so badly that I didn’t even recognize him.

One of the Ninja Cheerleader Non-Stripping Go Go Dancers is portrayed by Trishelle Cannatella, skank of numerous reality shows. She is best remembered for letting Andy Dick slobber all over her and touch her naughty bits during her stint on The Surreal Life. She doesn’t have an issue getting naked on reality shows, but won’t get naked on a straight to cable movie. Maybe the other actresses objected on the grounds of disease control? Sexual contact with Andy Dick doesn’t leave a girl untainted.

The film is basically a blatant rip-off of Charlie’s Angels. Don’t waste your time on it. Unlike Zombie Strippers, the genius title just doesn’t deliver the goods. Also, please don’t confuse Ninja Cheerleaders with Cheerleader Ninjas (2002), because Cheerleader Ninjas is about an internet porn ring and costs 99 cents more on Amazon.

Star Trek: Nemesis

It’s December 18, 2002. The Two Towers opened today. I just happened to have the day off work, so what better way to spend the day…than seeing the new Star Trek movie???

Seriously, we intended to go see Star Trek today – we’ve been planning on it for a week or so. Not that we don’t want to see more Hobbit adventures, but the lines…no way, jose! Besides, I think we may want to catch a night viewing at the IMAX….

But back to Star Trek. I’m not much of a Trekkie…unlike my other half. I have never seen any of the other nine Star Treks, just bits and pieces. I have seen at least half of the Next Generation episodes, no thanks to TNN showing at least 5 episodes a day. I bought Russ the first season on DVD, so he could watch it while I’m asleep…nope, hasn’t changed a thing. Anyway, the film was put together well enough that I really didn’t feel like I was missing anything – I could pretty well tell what was going on most of the time.

Shinzon was a kickass villain! He should be a James Bond villain next! He was slimy and creepy – he kind of reminded me of the Strangers from Dark City. Unfortunately, he resembled a young Dr. Evil more than a young Jean-Luc Picard. I really kept expecting a stray pinky to wander up to his lip…speaking of lips! Shinzon’s lips were all wrong! Patrick Stewart pretty much has no lips, while Tom Hardy could give Angelina Jolie a run for her money. The lips totally broke the illusion. Maybe Shinzon got punched in the mouth a lot down in the Dilithium Mines?

Beware the scorned woman! Remember, if you turn down the sexual advances of a Romulan woman, she will definitely turn sides later in the film. That is such bullshit! There just wasn’t sufficient evidence for me to believe that she would turn renegade like that!

I was really disappointed that the android they found wasn’t Lor, but some retarded beta Data named B4. Unfortunately, it seems likely that B4 will be back.

Also, not enough Worf time. He really didn’t do shit for the entire film – what a waste! He should have been the one fighting the Remon, not Riker! He also didn’t get naked as hinted at earlier in the film. Hrmph!

Decent enough waste of an afternoon – better than being at work, at any rate.