Friday the 13th: Part III

 

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Although released to the theaters in 3D, Part III is one the most boring installments in the series.

The film wastes so much time with the motorcycle gang. Why even bother having them harass the kids at the convenience store, other than to show what pussies the kids are? Or maybe it was just an excuse to add some unsympathetic victims to the body count? Or a deus ex machina to get gasoline out of the van?

This is the film that gives Jason his iconic Hockey Mask, stolen from Shelly, the prankster.

The final girl, Chris, had previously survived an encounter with Jason in the woods…but when was that? Was it in-between the first and second films, when he was mourning his mother? And why is she imagining Mrs. Voorhees (with her head) dragging her into a lake at the end?

We DVRed this one for the kids off SyFy and it’s edited all to hell. We actually got the whole series, up to Jason X in one shot…so I guess they’ll miss out on all the good stuff.

Scooby-Doo

The latest movie that my children have become addicted to…may well turn them into potheads.

The Luna Ghost looks like the Graffix logo. The scene with smoke coming out of the Mystery Machine (a slow reveal shows sausage cooking), ‘Pass the Dutchie’ playing in the background. Shaggy saying that he stays away from hydroponics. Shaggy tells Mary Jane that ‘Mary Jane’ is his favorite name. They’re ALWAYS hungry…I could go on and on…

I always knew that Scrappy Doo was a fucking asshole and this movie just proves it. I was always annoyed by the Scrappy Doo episodes and now I know why – he was a fucking crazy, soul-stealing, egomaniacal sociopath. I wish Buffy would have fucking staked him.

Sugar Ray? Even my kids think Sugar Ray is lame – they run outside right before they perform.

Daphne and Fred kissing was kind of cool, but kind of gross.

Watching the credits…WHAT THE FUCK! The story was co-written by James Gunn. The same James Gunn that wrote Tromeo and Juliet. I need to go cry now.

Pineapple Express

“I just don’t think this kind of shit is as funny as you do…” Oh really? Why are you laughing your ass off, then?

My husband did have a point – this is exactly the kind of shit that I think is funny. Friday, Half Baked, Super Troopers, Jay & Silent Bob…all rate rather highly with me. True, I am a long way past my Pineapple Express days (There’s a time and place for everything children and that’s COLLEGE), but I can still appreciate the humor inherent in Stoner Movies.

Seth Rogen is the mastermind behind Pineapple Express, supposedly inspired by Brad Pitt in True Romance. I can totally see that, but a true homage would have included the honey bear. Just sayin’. Anyway, Seth played an excellent straight man to James Franco’s Saul. (I totally knew a guy like Saul back in the day – you UTDers know who I mean.) I have to admit that Franco is growing on me. I was a total hater after Spider-Man, but by Spider-Man 3 I was warming up to him. After watching him host SNL, I became a total fan. Rumor is, he’s gonna star in the Planet of Apes prequel reboot. I’m in.

Gary Cole plays the bad guy again…why is he so good at being bad? I’ve got a theory – it’s his hair. Gary Cole’s hair is evil. From A Simple Plan to Office Space to Desperate Housewives, his evil hair stole the show. But put a wig on him and he’s Mike Brady, as good and wholesome as they come. It’s the hair, just watch out for his hair…

The Asians were a good choice for Ted’s nemesis – the usual old Cartel wouldn’t have been nearly as funny as the silent, but deadly assassins that were sent to take him down. Bobby Lee was easily the best thing about MadTV and Ken Jeong is the second best thing about Community – the first, of course, being Joel McHale’s…hair. What! My husband is gonna read this!

Thumbs up for Pineapple Express, I guess I need to get around to watching Knocked Up and The Hangover now. Oh, and yes please to a sequel. Also, BEST use of Electric Avenue EVAH!

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Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

In honor of 4/20, I present to you a film worthy of being watched on 4/20…

In my review of Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny, I complain about it being a stoner comedy that is probably only funny when stoned. Some stoner comedies, however, are hilarious no matter what. Harold and Kumar are still funny, no matter what state of consciousness you are in. (They’re not as funny escaping from Guantanamo Bay as they are going to White Castle, but still pretty fucking funny nonetheless.)

The sequel picks up immediately after the first one ends. Harold and Kumar decide to follow Maria (Harold’s one true love) to Amsterdam. In the airport, the guys run into Vanessa (Kumar’s ex and one true love) and her new fiancé. Kumar cannot wait to get to Amsterdam and lights up a bong (that appears to be fashioned from a penis pump?) in the airplane bathroom, which gets them shipped to Guantanamo Bay, where they are offered delicious cockmeat sandwiches. They escape to Florida, then decide to head to Texas to get political help from Vanessa’s new fiancé…you see where this is going, huh?

Hells yeah, Neil Patrick Harris is back. The Doogster rescues the duo and demands a brothel pit stop. This is after successfully thwarting a road blockade with a psychedelic trip on a unicorn. I don’t mean to sound queer or nothin’ – but unicorns kick ASS!

I knew what a “blumpkin” was before I saw this movie…and NO, I have never participated in one. Don’t remember what a “blumpkin” is? Don’t email me about it – go to Urban Dictionary or JustFuckingGoogleIt.

I’m sure you are all aware that Kumar, er Kal Penn, has taken a job working for Barack Obama in the Office of Public Liaison. Obviously, that means that Obama is a Harold and Kumar fan – I mean come on, if you’re going to hire someone for a job, you read their resume. An actor’s resume is his body of work, so Obama must be familiar with Kal’s films. Kal’s new gig at the White House is an implicit “thumbs up” for Harold and Kumar. Does this mean that Cheech Marin has a shot at getting a job in the Department of Foreign Affairs? What about Dave Chappelle in the Department of the Interior? I’d settle for a presidential pardon for Tommy Chong…

 

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

Not a film for the stone cold sober…

One of the last films I watched during my maternity leave film festival, I was largely unamused by Tenacious D’s big screen debut. Sitting on the couch in the middle of the day, with an infant steadfastly attached to your nipple, is not the way to enjoy Jack Black’s special brand of mayhem and music. The Pick of Destiny is like Half Baked or The Wall or PCU or Friday or any of the great stoner classics – you need bongs and beer and whippets and pipes and ice cream and joints to get through it.

The Pick of Destiny tells the story of how JB and KG met, fell in love and created Tenacious D. KG rocks a wig and poet shirt for the first half of the film – have I ever told you how much I HATE poet shirts on guys? It’s pretentious, faggy and hippy. More than one of my friends’ ex-husbands were guilty of wearing that shit. I can look the other way if we were going to the Renaissance Festival, but we weren’t. Flowing garments do not make you look like a sensitive artist – they make you look like you lost your way to Lilith Faire after making a pit stop for tampons and a strawberry flavored douche.

Lots of celebrity cameos – Tim Robbins, Ben Stiller, Meat Loaf, Dave Grohl – too many to count. Meat Loaf busts out the singing for the first time in like a million years – why doesn’t he sing more? Dave Grohl reprises his role from the TV show as the devil. Why doesn’t he wear horns more?

The original Tenacious D TV show is actually funnier than The Pick of Destiny – if you had to pick something from Netflix, go with the TV show.

    

Revenge of the Nerds

I have to watch Revenge of the Nerds every single time it comes on TV. Obsession? Compulsion? Attraction? All of the above?

I have been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to decide which nerd I love the most – and I can’t do it. I love them all – from Lewis’ annoying laugh to Booger’s boogers to Lamar’s limp little wrists.

Funny, this movie has always colored my perception of college life. I was pretty much sold that college would be something like a cross between Revenge of the Nerds and Animal House with a little bit of learning thrown in. Imagine my surprise when it turns out that the university that I chose is entirely inhabited by NERDS. Ha. Don’t get me wrong, there were fraternities and sororities – and for the most part, they were laaa-aa-ame and totally ineffectual. They were more likely to come out of the closet than beat someone up. They did dumb things like making each other drink whole gallons of milk and making pledges drink pee. There were even a few date rapes…but it wasn’t anything like the movies. By and large, everyone ignored them – because the nerds definitely held the balance of power…and the super-joints.

Speaking of super-joints…I’ve got to lay my cards on the table – I dated Booger. (Thank you, whoever pointed that out to me – probably April or Erin.) I don’t mean that he picked his nose…more like his personality and appearance…and super-joints. Obviously, I did not realize this at the time. I am not so much deeply ashamed, as confused by my behavior. Again, I blame the super-joints.

Coincidentally, I had never seen the uncut version until college. Up until then, I had only seen the edited for TV version. Freshman year, the guy next door (who was also my Peer Advisor) had never seen it, so we rented it. I was kind of taken off guard by all the nudity and drug use – I had no idea it was even in there. It was AMAZING, although Betty Childs was kind of scrawny. He didn’t seem overly offended, but wasn’t impressed either. I didn’t understand his non-reaction to this classic of 80s cinema. I totally didn’t fuck him. Loser.

 

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

I didn’t think that I would ever see a more incongruous act than Doogie Howser, M.D. doing a fatality on an evil henchman, but I’d have to say that Doogie Howser snorting coke off a girl’s bum, while hanging out of the sun roof of a moving car, takes the cake.

Far be it from me to define a movie by its cameos, but there you have it. A movie’s hilarity may well be directly proportional to the outrageousness of said movie’s cameo by Neil Patrick Harris. I think I’ll call it the Doogie Theorem.

Time for the inevitable comparison and contrast to Dude, Where’s My Car?. Yeah, they’re definitely buddy quest movies about potheads, but the similarities mostly end there. Whereas Jesse and Chester are total idiots and stereotypical potheads, Harold and Kumar are cut from a different cloth entirely. Both are college graduates – Harold is gainfully employed as an investment banker and Kumar is, although not willingly, in the process of selecting a medical school. Although the story structure and pacing are similar, their accomplishments are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. While Harold and and Kumar grow as individuals once they achieve their goal of White Castle burgers, Jesse and Chester merely achieve bigger breasts for their girlfriends upon finding their car.

The only part of the film that I thought was flat-out stupid was the cheetah riding. Everything up to that point was kosher – Battleshits, Freakshow’s horny wife, even the escape from jail – but the cheetah ride was a bit much. I don’t know why, cheetah riding just rubs me the wrong way?

There are areas of my brain filled with knowledge that I didn’t even know was there. For instance, did you know that I know all the words to Wilson Philip’s Hold On? I didn’t know either until Harold and Kumar started singing it and I found myself singing along in my head. At least I had enough presence of mind not to do in front of my friends. That would have been very un-knobby-like behavior!

Since I live in the south, we don’t have White Castle here, but I have it on good authority that those tiny little burgers are pretty nasty. Now, the grocery store carries a frozen version – but seriously? Who would eat that? In any case, back in college, I remember finding myself on epic quests like Harold and Kumar’s on a regular basis. One memorable trip was in search of a chinese joint called Fang Ti, which supposedly had “moonlight buffet til four AM.” Riiiight. We never did find it, but apparently, it does exist. Heh.

 

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood

The Leprechaun is back, and boy – is he stoned!

In the sixth installment of the Leprechaun series, Warwick Davis returns as our favorite nasty leprechaun after something a bit more valuable than his Lucky Charms. This time, his gold has fallen into the hands of Emily and Lisa, two poor hoodrats struggling to make ends meet. They share it with their stoner friend Jaime and Emily’s ex-boyfriend-turned-drug-dealer, Rory. Of course, they spend the gold on bling-bling, cadillacs and a big houseparty. Only there’s an uninvited guest at the party…

…and then the leprechaun is in the back taking bong hit after bong hit – he’s stoned out of his mind. He’s actually pretty cool and mellow – at least until he spies one of his gold coins. He flies into a rage and impales his smoking buddy with the bong. I’d be a bit more impressed with the bongicide, if I hadn’t already seen it in Terror Firmer. (After watching part of the director’s commentary, I learned that Tommy Chong Bongs are proudly featured in the movie – nice product placement!) Then comes a hilarious scene of the leprechaun with the munchies – he’s digging in the fridge, eating bologna, margarine, anything he can find.

After the bongicide, the leprechaun continues his rampage, with humor interspersed here and there. Seeing the leprechaun giving a Full Shiatsu Massage to a 300 pound lady is pretty funny, but not quite as funny as when he walks on her back. Leprechaun feet look like Hobbit feet. When Rory’s hoochie gets a gold tooth made out the gold, you know it’s going to end badly. The leprechaun also gets to flirt via cell phone. “How tall are you?” “About 3’6,” he replies, “but I make up for it an other ways, if you know what I mean…” Yeah, I puked in my mouth a little.

The one thing that irritates me – but cracks me up at the same time – is the lack of continuity of “leprechaun traits” between movies. In the first one, the leprechaun is easily distracted by shoes – we even started calling my sister “The Leprechaun” because of her love of shoes. The shoe thing has yet to come up again, although the clover allergy was used in the first movie. A prison of “cold iron” was used in the second film, but that never came up again – even when the Leprechaun was shoved into a cast iron furnace in this one! And what about his amulet from the third film? Or his magical flute from the fifth film? And the dirty limericks! I miss them the most of all. Well, at least the changes require a different deus ex machina in each film, which necessitates creativity in finding new ways to kill the leprechaun.

All in all, a pretty entertaining film, as B-movies go. According to the commentary, the film was originally supposed to be a Spring Break Horror movie. (Like there aren’t enough of those already.) The producers forced the director to move it back to the ‘Hood. Maybe they felt that the black audience has been dealt a dearth of horror movies lately? Or maybe they have demographic info to back it up? Those are some studies that I would like to see…

Marihuana

What. The. Fuck.

All I kept thinking throughout this whole god-forsaken film, was “What. The. Fuck.” It has to be one of the stupidest, most ill-informed pieces of anti-drug propaganda that I have ever seen. That being said, it was fucking hilarious. A precursor to the infamous Reefer Madness, Marihuana is the sad story of Burma Roberts. While at a wild beach house party (not unlike what I imagine the MTV Beach House to be like – it was THAT lame), Burma and her friends are introduced to “giggly weed.” While one of the girls at the party drowns, Burma is stoned out of her mind and fucking her boyfriend on the beach. Of course, Burma gets pregnant! Her boyfriend wants to do the right thing, so in order to marry her, he becomes a drug dealer and gets killed during a bust. So Burma goes to the main drug dealer and begs for help. The drug dealer sends Burma away to have the baby and then sells it. Burma then becomes a smack fiend/dealer. Burma then gets the bright idea to kidnap her wealthy sister’s child for ransom money – $50,000. Then it turns out that the child is really Burma’s baby, so Burma overdoses…immediately. Like the second she finds out, she falls over dead. Sounds a lot like an episode of Jerry Springer, doesn’t it?

As entertaining as it was to watch this shit, I was left disappointed after reading the DVD case. The cover promised ‘weird orgies’ and ‘wild parties.’ Apparently, the director’s idea of a wild orgy was drunk people rolling around on the floor with all their clothes on. Even so, the girls did go skinny dipping and there was a decent amount of nudity involved. Enough, in fact, for me to know that this film was made before the invention of the Brazilian Wax. Bushtastic!

Super Troopers

I left some blood in my seat after this one!

Okay, that probably sounded pretty gross. What I meant to say, was that the film was so funny that I peed blood…um, that was worse. Forget about it.

I bought this DVD several months ago, along with Kung Pow, which I still haven’t had a chance to watch. Erin has been bugging me to watch it, so since she was in town for New Years, we finally got a chance to sit down and watch it last night. I can’t believe I had been depriving myself of the simple joy of Super Troopers for so long!

Keep in mind, that right about now, I am feeling fairly bitter towards State Troopers of any kind. Christmas Day, I managed to encounter one of my state’s finest and get a $140 “gift.” (96 in a 70 – I can’t even take fucking defensive driving, which is just as well, since I got stalked by Dr. Evil the last time I took one.) Even so, I forgot all about my fucking ticket for 103 minutes and was lost in the exploits of the Super Troopers.

High speed chases, pranks and syrup abuse are the norm for the Super Troopers. They may appropriate a little ‘evidence’ now and then, but they aren’t bad guys. They fuck with the people they pull over, not out of spite, but out of sheer boredom. They’re definitely fuck-ups, but not in a Mighty Ducks/Bad News Bears sort of way….they’re more like the guys in Office Space – fucking up intentionally.

I wonder how Daniel von Bargen (Asshole Local Cop Grady) feels about his utter and total typecasting. From what I can tell, the only non-military/cop role he has had recently was as the slimy resurrected cult leader in Lord of Illusions. He is definitely ‘Commandant Spangler’ whenever I think about him.

Super Troopers will end up being one of the definitive stoner comedies of the new millenium. Move over Friday and Half-Baked, the Super Troopers are here.