The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

Lost Boys: The Tribe

Finally, the not so greatly anticipated sequel to The Lost Boys makes its basic cable debut!

That’s right, this sequel is not even good enough to be straight to HBO or Skinemax – it went straight to TNT. That’s not even a real channel – all they show are Angel and Charmed reruns! I had to fast forward through commercials! I missed adult language! I missed jumblies! I assume I missed some blood and guts, because there wasn’t much on the screen.

You know what I didn’t miss (but wish I had)? The Two Coreys reunion. Two decades ago, as the Two Coreys began their public descent into drugs and straight to VHS glory, who would have predicted that the “normal” one would be Feldman? 20 years ago, Feldman was dressing like Michael Jackson, dating Drew Barrymore and needing rehab. Somehow, today he is married with a kid and still getting steady work, while Haim can’t get a job, can’t get laid (even when he goes out with the girl who made a sex tape with Colin Farrell) and so very obviously still an addict. (You KNOW I didn’t miss an episode of their very contrived reality show, The Two Coreys – I can never resist a trainwreck.) In any case, Feldman reprises his role as Edgar Frog and is in about a third of the film. He is “acting” in a weird, gravelly voice that gets on my fucking nerves. Haim doesn’t make an appearance until the credits, when Edgar Frog and Sam Emerson have a “confrontation.” Damn straight, it’s a set-up for a sequel that no one wants to watch.

The one bright spot was a pre-credits cameo by Tom Savini, make-up artist extraordinaire. I was expecting a continuation of the tongue-in-cheek sense of humor after his funny cameo, but after the credits, the film was firmly rooted in OC-Gossip-Hill-210 territory. A couple of teens move into a sleepy California town and quickly discover a vampire surfer problem. Oh, I didn’t mention that the vampires are surfers? (I didn’t mention it because it’s fucking retarded.)

Didn’t Keifer Sutherland end up on a pair of antlers at the end of the original? Yeah, more antlers in this one AND more Sutherland. Of course, not Keifer – since he has a job and stuff – but his little half-brother Angus was available to play the leader of the big bad surfer vampires. Unfortunately, Angus is also only half as badass as Keifer was. Come on, he’s a SURFER. I half expected him to start belting out Pineapple Princess, for chrissakes.

In summary, the film is low on action, low on blood and low on Coreys. OH…and it has a shitty cover of “Cry Little Sister” during a love scene. Worst. Cover. Ever.