Finally, the not so greatly anticipated sequel to The Lost Boys makes its basic cable debut!

That’s right, this sequel is not even good enough to be straight to HBO or Skinemax – it went straight to TNT. That’s not even a real channel – all they show are Angel and Charmed reruns! I had to fast forward through commercials! I missed adult language! I missed jumblies! I assume I missed some blood and guts, because there wasn’t much on the screen.

You know what I didn’t miss (but wish I had)? The Two Coreys reunion. Two decades ago, as the Two Coreys began their public descent into drugs and straight to VHS glory, who would have predicted that the “normal” one would be Feldman? 20 years ago, Feldman was dressing like Michael Jackson, dating Drew Barrymore and needing rehab. Somehow, today he is married with a kid and still getting steady work, while Haim can’t get a job, can’t get laid (even when he goes out with the girl who made a sex tape with Colin Farrell) and so very obviously still an addict. (You KNOW I didn’t miss an episode of their very contrived reality show, The Two Coreys – I can never resist a trainwreck.) In any case, Feldman reprises his role as Edgar Frog and is in about a third of the film. He is “acting” in a weird, gravelly voice that gets on my fucking nerves. Haim doesn’t make an appearance until the credits, when Edgar Frog and Sam Emerson have a “confrontation.” Damn straight, it’s a set-up for a sequel that no one wants to watch.

The one bright spot was a pre-credits cameo by Tom Savini, make-up artist extraordinaire. I was expecting a continuation of the tongue-in-cheek sense of humor after his funny cameo, but after the credits, the film was firmly rooted in OC-Gossip-Hill-210 territory. A couple of teens move into a sleepy California town and quickly discover a vampire surfer problem. Oh, I didn’t mention that the vampires are surfers? (I didn’t mention it because it’s fucking retarded.)

Didn’t Keifer Sutherland end up on a pair of antlers at the end of the original? Yeah, more antlers in this one AND more Sutherland. Of course, not Keifer – since he has a job and stuff – but his little half-brother Angus was available to play the leader of the big bad surfer vampires. Unfortunately, Angus is also only half as badass as Keifer was. Come on, he’s a SURFER. I half expected him to start belting out Pineapple Princess, for chrissakes.

In summary, the film is low on action, low on blood and low on Coreys. OH…and it has a shitty cover of “Cry Little Sister” during a love scene. Worst. Cover. Ever.