Carrie (2013)

Well, what’s the point of this now? The original is a classic, though not untouchable…there was a regrettable sequel in 1999 and then a mediocre TV remake on 2002. So what are they doing here?

It’s not horrible I guess. Chloë Grace Moretz was an interesting choice to play Carrie. She’s generally regarded as a good actress and I guess she is…but it seemed that most of her acting was done by flaring her nostrils. Maybe it’s her signature affectation – like Clooney’s headbobbing or the way Nicolas Cage slowly walks away from explosions.

You can’t make Julianne Moore unbeautiful. It’s just not possible. Even with no makeup and frizzy hair, playing Whackadoo Mrs. White, she’s stunning. She’s not quite as scary as Piper Laurie, but she’s pretty fucking scary. Coincidentally, Julianne Moore has history of starring in pointless remakes… Psycho anyone?

It wasn’t horrible, but this remake didn’t bring anything new to the table. Yes, it met it’s main objective, which was to be more twisted – but it wasn’t in a new way. The mother stabbed herself in the leg with a seam ripper – ooooh, she’s crazier. Carrie killed people more violently and gleefully. So? Chris was more of a bitch. Again, so what? Making a film more extreme, doesn’t necessarily make it better.

Carrie

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They’re all gonna laugh at you! They’re all gonna laugh at you!

Adam Sandler aside, this is a funny funny film. Funny because it was made in 1976, the year I was born. Funny because it scared the living crap out of me as a kid. Funny because we loved it so much that we had a ‘Carrie’ themed party in college.

Carrie is so ridiculously dated, that it must almost seem like a parody of itself now. John Travolta in his pre-scientologist days is such a hoot, oozing sexuality and dorkiness in equal measure. On the other hand, The Greatest American Hero takes poor Carrie to the dance, but you feel sorrier for her for having to put up with his cheesy fro.

It’s no wonder that Piper Laurie was nominated for an Oscar for her role as Carrie’s bible beating mother. She was hands down scarier than telekinesis, pig’s blood or ghostly hands from the grave. I would have to attribute most of my fear of Christianity to that scary bitch. Nothing is scarier to a child than being stabbed by their own mother, especially a crazy, Christian mother. After watching Carrie at about the age of seven, I was too scared to sleep in my own bed. I would creep out of my bed in the middle of the night and sleep on the couch. I’m not sure why I preferred to sleep on the couch, instead of in my room, but I sure wasn’t crawling into my parents’ room. I could hear my dad snoring from my own room.

I finally got over my fear of Carrie enough to enjoy it by the time I was in college. Erin and I decided that our theme for Halloween would be Carrie/Prom Night. So we rented Carrie and all the Prom Night movies and went for it. Erin was Carrie and I was the chick from Prom Night. (No, not Jamie Lee Curtis, the other one.) What do you think? No one would come near us, we were sopping wet. Though it was convenient that a frat boy came to the party dressed as a tampon (I have a picture, but I’m not posting it – it’s gross), he didn’t know what we meant when we yelled “PLUG IT UP!” at him…

PS – Don’t watch The Rage: Carrie 2!

The Rage: Carrie 2

LAME.

90 minutes of lame-ass shit was not worth the 10 minutes of cool shit in this film.

Harpoon through the crotch was cool. Fireplace poker through 2 heads, in one shot, was cool. The chick from American Beauty nose diving into a car was cool. Being shot with a flare gun was almost cool. Everything else in the film was not cool.

The plot was so contrived that it made WWF Smackdown look real. Rachel had none of the psychosis that the original Carrie had. She wasn’t plain or ugly. She had a good personality. She got made fun of anyway. (Unfortunately, that is the ONE thing about this film that is like real life – in High School, who gets made fun of is an arbitrary decision made by the popular kids.) Plus, if every girl who got fucked and dumped jumped off of a building, there would be a pile of dead girls in the parking lot of every high school on the planet!

Lame. Not even worth renting. Wait until it is on cable and just watch the last 10 minutes. Make sure and turn it off before you have to see the “One Year Later” section of the film. It is the lamest part of the entire film.