Avengers: Endgame

 

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I don’t even know how to write a review about Endgame that doesn’t contain at least 50 spoilers, so instead…you’ll get feelings and emotions. I know, I know – not like me at all.

We went and saw Endgame on opening weekend, which we NEVER do – but my son made a good case for avoiding spoilers – Infinity War was totally spoiled for him at school. Junior High is a fucking warzone, ya’ll. Even though we planned ahead and got tickets for Sunday, he managed to get spoiled on Friday – some assface “friend” leaked a death. I tried, son…I tried.

I checked my heartrate (via fitbit) while viewing and it was a wild ride. It just kept going up and up and up. The action just never let up. I laughed a lot more than I expected. I cried just the right amount, which is once. I won’t spoil the film by saying what, except to say it was somewhere in the middle and it was a hug and OMG, I AM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Endgame was so good, it gave me a to-do list…

To do list #1 – make my son watch The Big Lebowski with me, then rewatch Endgame. Hell, maybe we should watch ALL of the Coen Brothers’ films for good measure.

The Community cameos made me SQUEAL! (Kinda spoiler-y, but I’m not perfect.) To do list #2, persuade both kids to watch Community on Amazon Prime. I’ve been bugging the boy for years to binge watch it, but he won’t do it.

To do list #3, see if my VHS copy of National Lampoon’s Senior Trip still works, so I can revisit my 1996 crush on Jeremy Renner.

Funny story real quick – right before we left to see Endgame, my husband had Fantastic 4 2 on in the background…my daughter was so fucking confused. She asked, “Since when could Captain America do that?” as Johnny Storm was torching around. That gave us a good laugh – she had no idea that Chris Evans was ever another superhero. That brings me to #4 – rewatch Not Another Teen Movie, so I can see America’s Ass™ in a whipped cream bikini.

Endgame gave everyone the ending they deserved. I mean, never before has there been a 22 (or is it 23) movie build-up like this, with expectations built up for so many character arcs. Full disclosure – it’s just 20 movies for me, haven’t watched GotG2 or AM&W yet – even so, I felt so invested in this universe – sure, James Bond has over 20 movies, but who is emotionally invested in James Bond? It’s weeks later and the family is STILL discussing it. I’m actually considering taking the kids to see it again, to pick up any goodies we may have missed the first time. I always thought there would only ever be one 5 BOB movie, but I feel compelled to change my mind and bestow the coveted 5 BOB rating upon Endgame.

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’ve been MIA for quite a while, haven’t I? I’ve been watching movies, but most haven’t left me with anything to say. I’ve got half written reviews of the 2nd Hobbit movie and The Winter Soldier…and I couldn’t even get started on Thor 2. Well, Days of Future Past gave me a lot to think about…

The first thing I was given to think about was Hugh Jackman’s bare ass. Thank you, Bryan Singer, for showing us the #1 ass to come out of Australia since The Crocodile Hunter. Before I even saw the rest of the movie, I loudly proclaimed that the movie already has 4 BOBs, to my husband’s great amusement.

(NOTE: Since I watched this on HBO, I’m going to assume the rest of world has already seen it. If you care about obvious spoilers, stop reading now.) So…the second thing I’ve been gnawing on after watching Days of Future Past is how the events basically erased the first three films, plus the two Wolverines. (My husband gave me a thesis last night on how this storyline affected the comics when it came out and the rioting in the streets that followed.) Where does the X-Men saga go from here? I guess well find out next year in X-Men: Apocalypse. I hope we get to find out how Xavier went bald, because James McAvoy’s 70s hair was glorious. I’ve gotta say, this storyline is a better way to reboot the franchise smoothly – it seems like the other recent reboots were a bit more clumsy.

Thirdly, for half the movie, I thought the kid who played Hank was the same kid playing Edward Nigma on Gotham, but imDB proved me wrong.

The 4th thing…there was not enough Quicksilver! I loved finally seeing Evan Peters outside of the AHS universe. Can he get his own movie, please? Plus, one of my favorite Alice Cooper songs was playing as his character was introduced – Hello Hooray. The soundtrack is mostly the score, only including the Roberta Flack and Jim Croce songs. Bummer.

And lastly…what is poor Rogue going to do when she finds out that Iceman is gay???

Hot Tub Time Machine

Crispin Glover makes ALL movies better…but especially movies about time travel.

Seriously, if I had realized that Crispin Glover was in Hot Tub Time Machine, chances are I would have seen it a lot sooner.

Hot Tub Time Machine is the answer to the eternal question, “What if real life happened to Lane Meyer?” (Or Cusack’s character in One Crazy Summer, the name of whom I am too lazy to look up in IMDb right now.) At some point, no matter how many wacky, drug-fueled adventures you have as a teen and young adult, real life is likely to catch up with you and slow things down. (I want to believe that having kids is what slows people down on the drug-fueled adventures, but a late night trip to Wal-Mart will show you that this is decidedly not the case.) But what if you COULD go back and relive those wacky, drug-fueled adventures? Would you? I admit it, I would fuck things up, Butterfly Effect-style. I totally wouldn’t have eaten the soft shell crab during that wacky Spring Break trip to New Orleans during Freshmen Year. I really thought I was dying.

I like John Cusack, I really do, but then I realize that I haven’t seen most of his recent films, because they’re romantic comedies…although I haven’t seen 2012 yet either. I think I’ll save that one for December 21, 2012 – as I lay dying, cursing the Mayans, John Cusack will be the last thing I see before shuffling off this mortal coil…

The rest of the cast was perfect…Craig Robinson and Rob Corddry were hilarious. Cusack’s love interest was a chick with big eyes who is not Zooey Deschanel. Chevy Chase plays the Hot Tub Repairman. Plus…Billy Zabka! BILLY FUCKING ZABKA is in this movie.

The one thing I don’t understand…the film starts in 2010, they go back to 1986 – 24 years. John Cusack’s nephew is 20, yet he mentions early on that his mom gave birth to him 9 months or so after this weekend. Bad movie math, but I can forgive the error in logic, because the film was so fucking hilarious.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – still excellent after all these years.

After my thorough disgust with the sequel, I had to sit down and watch the original to verify whether I am just getting old and crusty or it really did suck. I was relieved when I still enjoyed Excellent Adventure – that means that Bogus Journey really was a giant piece of excrement.

Bill and Ted are still funny – dumb as shit, but still funny. Although I am more concerned about Rufus pimping out the Princess Babes to the dudes than I was when I was 13. Is it me, or is that kind of creepy and disturbing?

It’s kind of funny that it took me over 8 years to finally review Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, seeing as how’s it’s the basis for the longest running gag I’ve got. I went through a period of *really* hating Keanu Reeves…or not so much hating him, as having a very vocal disdain for his acting skills. After Johnny Mnemonic and Dracula, can you really blame me? I think it was my man Z who gave me the idea of one line reviews for Keanu Reeves movies. See Point Break. I kind of got over it by the time The Matrix came around – but he still has his complete “DUH” moments.

  

Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Synopsis: Our two heroes are destined for greatness Рsomeday they will be remembered as the creators of modern civilization. A supervillain from the future creates evil robot versions of our heroes and sends them back in time to change the future. The robots kill our heroes, destroy their homes and attempt to rape and kill their fianc̩es. Only by outwitting Death himself, are our heroes able to escape the fires of hell and destroy the evil robots that threaten the future of civilization as we know it.

Sounds like an awesome (and possibly totally radical) movie, doesn’t it? Perhaps Terminator 2 meets Back to the Future meets The Seventh Seal? WELL IT’S NOT! It’s a fucking stupid ass shitty ass fucking lame movie called Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey and it’s one of the most retarded things I have ever seen on my TV. I need to give my DVR a bath now, because it’s permanently tainted!

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is a classic of 80s cinema. I remember going to see it in the theater and laughing my ass off. I still laugh my ass off when I watch it. Even the Saturday morning cartoon was decently entertaining. But what happened with the sequel? It took me 3-4 days to watch it, because I kept getting irritated that it was so retarded.

The Stations were by far the most retarded part of the movie. Did the filmmakers decide to use the leftover parts from Critters and Troll? Or were they entirely made from the castmembers’ poo? I really can’t tell. What the fuck were they supposed to be anyway? Scientists from Mars? Huh?

By and large, the best thing about the movie is the soundtrack – I’m a big Faith No More fan. But actual use of the soundtrack leaves something to be desired. I’m pretty much on the fence about KISS. They’ve got some great songs, like Lick it Up, but God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll to You is not only the worst KISS song every made – it’s one of the worst songs ever made, PERIOD. And only in an alternate universe could Bill and Ted beat Primus in a battle of the Bands, regardless of whether they were lip synching to KISS or not.

William Sadler as Death was the only funny part of the movie. The only times I remember laughing were at his lines – except for the scene where Bill and Ted expound upon the meaning of life in order to get into heaven – “Every rose has it’s thorn…”

No matter how cute floppy haired Keanu Reeves was 15 years ago (and it’s easy to forget these days, what with the bloat and spotty facial hair), it’s not worth sitting through Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, unless you also enjoy robot-making, hairy pieces of poo from Mars.

  

The Butterfly Effect

He still kind of sucks – just not totally. He’s actually likable in this mish-mash of a movie. I admit, Kutcher may very well be squeaking by on my residual good will towards the Back to the Future series – because really, this is the SAME FUCKIN’ MOVIE. Even so, Kutcher’s a suitable replacement for Marty McFly. He’s good looking in an all-american sort of way – and is it just me, or is Kutcher just totally babalicious sans hands? …crickets chirping… Alrighty then, I guess it’s just me.

The film gets its title from the Ray Bradbury short story, A Sound of Thunder (which was also recently brought to the big screen with a resounding thud.) The movie might have made far more sense if butterflies were literally killed en masse, causing all of Kutcher’s problems. Instead, all of his problems are supposedly caused by blackouts. What would be significantly traumatizing events in his life end up in blackouts – a not uncommon coping mechanism. As an adult, he finds that he has the ability to jump into his younger self during these blackouts. Hindsight is 20/20, so he begins trying to fix fucked up situations, but he keeps fucking things up worse. So he’s able to change the past, although he’s not literally traveling back in time. Does your head hurt yet?

Over the years, I’ve become a fan of Ethan Suplee – he just pops up EVERYWHERE. From Mallrats to American History X to this movie, he’s damn funny. His size is a funny “prop”, but definitely not the whole of his talent. The Butterfly Effect is probably the last place you’ll see Suplee in all his 300+ pound glory. He’s lost over a hundred pounds this year. As evidenced by My Name is Earl, he didn’t lose any of the pounds that were funny.

I read that the DVD has alternate ending that has him fixing everything by traveling back to the moment of his birth and strangling himself with his umbilical cord. I totally would have given 3 BOBs if the film had been released with that ending! I totally want to watch that scene to see if fetal Ashton still sports the trademark smirk and trucker hat! (If anyone has the DVD, let me know.)

Oh and I heard there’s a sequel in the works…yeah, that worked GREAT for The Ring. Awesome idea, you greedy fuckers.