Film: War

Wonder Woman

I wanted to hate Wonder Woman. Everyone has unanimously loved this movie, so that ugly little bit of 20-something year old, still deep down inside of ME wanted to find something to hate about this movie. To be contrary, to be different…I couldn’t do it. Wonder Woman is every bit as thrilling and enjoyable as the general public says it is. And I’m okay with that. It took me 40+ years, but I have found peace in agreeing with the rest of the planet. I can’t even be mad about it – I’ve loved Wonder Woman for so, so long.

As a kid – I’m talking Pre-K – I idolized Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. I lived in my Wonder Woman underoos. I got my ass in deep shit for using up the duct tape around my wrists…I needed my magic bracelets! Unless I was being Dorothy, I was being Wonder Woman. And that’s why I am so thrilled that they didn’t fuck up this movie.

And it’s not just because Batman v. Superman (and some would say Suicide Squad) suck so much. If I could somehow forget those movies ever happened and start the DC Extended Universe with Wonder Woman, it would still be a great film. I was expecting a Captain America type origin story, but I was pleasantly surprised to have my expectations shattered as Wonder Woman had more in common with Thor, than anyone else. It’s also intentional that I compare this DC movie to the Marvel ones…it’s THAT good. Until now, it’s just been a given that the DC films are inferior to the Marvel ones…but Wonder Woman proves that it’s possible for DC to put aside Zack Snyder’s insanity and spit out a good film.

I’d be remiss if I did not give proper credit to both of the women responsible. Gal Gadot, I’m so sorry I assumed you’d be a shitty Amazon. You’re not all that muscular, but you kicked ass anyway. You made this film while 5 months pregnant. It was all I could do to drive to Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard when I was 5 months pregnant. And to Patty Jenkins…the world kind of forgot about you after Monster, but I’m thinking they’ll remember now.

Chris Pine…I can’t remember, do I like him or not? I’m pretty sure I don’t have an opinion. But every time I remember that his dad was the boss on CHiPs, then I think I must like him.

Can Danny Huston be the villain in every movie, please?

So, without a hint of irony, it was not at all a waste of $30 to take my family to see Wonder Woman in the theater. It was entertaining, if a bit long. I’m looking forward to Justice League that much momoa, um, I mean more.

Oh yeah…trailer report! Blade Runner 2049 looks interesting, although unnecessary. Geostorm looks like some SyFy Channel bullshit. Another Transformers movie…this time they join King Arthur…huh? Hitman’s Bodyguard…yeah, I think I DO wanna see Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson in a buddy movie, thankyouverymuch. Atomic Blonde is the one I’m most interested in. I’ve seen the trailer before, but I’m still intrigued by the poetic violence. Oh! And Murder on the Orient Express…I read the book when I was about my son’s age, but I cannot rememberwho did it. My son got all excited about Leslie Odom, Jr. It was sooooo cute.

Captain America: The First Avenger

I was excited to see that Captain America finally showed up on Netflix this month…if only because I might still have a chance to see The Avengers in the theater.

As irritating as Chris Evan was as the cocky Human Torch, he was only slightly less irritating as the not at all cocky Captain America. The cockiness was replaced by earnestness, which was fine in small doses, but started to get annoying by the end of the film. In any case, he does spend a lot of the time shirtless, so there’s that. (On a related note, it’s hard for me to take Chris Evans seriously when he’s shirtless. Not because he’s hot, but because I can’t help but picture him in a whipped cream bikini.)

By definition, Captain America is a jingoist superhero – he got his start fighting Nazis. I’ve got to give the filmmakers credit for attempting to make him slightly less jingoistic by making it clear that Red Skull is not your ordinary Nazi. They make it very clear that his interest in Eugenics is driven by powerlust and that he could give a fuck less about Jews. I also love that “Schmidt” has become the go-to name for German Villains. (See also X-Men: First Class.) If you know me personally, you’ll understand why.

All in all, it was an okay superhero film – but definitely my least favorite of the recent batch. We’ll get the sequel in 2014, but since it’s likely to be set in the present, how about Captain America protecting our country from the real danger – Republicans? He could start off as a top Republican’s bodyguard, but then he learns of a secret plot to poison the homosexual population with breastmilk and chicken sandwiches. Captain America must save our country from the evil within!

Three Kings

Badass Gangsta + Coked-up Porn Star + Sullen ER Doc + guy who directs Beastie Boys videos = fun!

I really like the first half of this film, although the second half kind of dragged on. David O. Russell is really much better at handling comedy than tragedy. His skills lie in dialogue, not action, so the later action sequences seemed contrived in comparison to the natural way that less action oriented scenes flowed. As in Flirting with Disaster, the best parts were dialogue driven, though there were some funny ass visual gags, like when they showed flashbacks to each soldier’s civilian job.

By far, the best part was Spike Jonez as Conrad Vig. If he was in the scene, I was laughing. Living in Texas, I have known so many people that were just like his character…Scary. I am hoping that Spike Jonez is able to make his career as an actor and director last a lot longer than say, Quentin Tarantino, who was off the Hollywood A-list quicker than pregnant mouseketeer.

The only people that I have talked to who didn’t like this film were people who had been in the military…No, scratch that…More specifically, people who had been in the Army, because Nick liked it and he was a Marine. Their complaint was that it wasn’t like that in the movie. Well, no shit. It’s called suspension of disbelief. For instance, I have yet to see a realistic depiciton of high school in a movie, except for maybe Welcome to the Dollhouse, oh wait, that was Jr. High. Anyway, I have no idea what the army was like, so I liked the film.

I was also impressed by the different film effects that Russell used. If an Arab was wounded, their blood was black. Different filters affected the colors of landscapes and how different characters were viewed. The most strking, not to mention foreshadowing, effect was when he portrayed how the Iraqi villagers viewed the three kings. The were each shown in a low angle shot, with a rapidly flowing clouds behind them. Conrad Vig was also shown, but from a normal angle. This foreshadowed his death, while showing the level of heroism that the other three would rise to.

Although my boyfriend tried to convince me otherwise, I am positive that ingesting oil would kill you. He said it would just fuck up your digestive track for a month or so, but not kill you. Whatever. I think it would fuck more than that up.

Iraqi Ass Map. I just can’t stop saying it. Iraqi Ass Map. Damn. Iraqi Ass Map.