Underworld: Blood Wars

I had totally forgotten that they’d made another one of these…until it magically appeared on the DVR – thanks, husband. You are the best at fulfilling all my “vampires fucking werewolves” needs. Even though the film started with a brief “Previously on…” summary of the first four films, I had a difficult time following the […]

Underworld: Awakening

Is it sad that this is the best film that we could think of to see on ‘date night’? Seriously, my husband and I hadn’t seen a film in a theater together since The Dark Knight. We just don’t get out much. I previously complained that the first, second and third Underworld films were boring. […]

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Someone over in Hollywood must be reading my reviews, because they got rid of Selene and made a prequel all about Lucien. That being said, Rise of the Lycans was still fucking boring. I was able to paint my toenails and load the dishwasher without really missing anything. There wasn’t much of a plot; Vampire […]

Underworld: Evolution

Yet another film starring Kate Beckinsale in a corset, fighting vampires and werewolves and various hybrids of the two. Even though it’s the sequel to Underworld, it had enough in common with Van Helsing to confuse the hell out of me and make me have to think real hard about what had happened in the […]

Van Helsing

Stephen Sommers should be stopped before he strikes again. Why? I’ll tell you why. My husband and I were eating dinner before the movie and jokingly, I said that if there were pygmy vampires like the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns, I would scream right there in the theater. Well, I didn’t scream – […]

Underworld

Blade + The Matrix + An American Werewolf in London – originality = Underworld. As a general rule, I usually like vampire movies. I’m not picky – they don’t even have to be an original take on the whole vampire mythos – I’ll still usually give them a passing grade. Unless they’re boring as hell […]

The Midnight Hour

I rarely review TV movies – in fact, this is my first – but as this was one of the formative films of my childhood, I thought I’d break the rules a little bit. Halloween 1985. I was in 4th grade at Holleman Elementary. All my friends had seen the movie and it was a […]