Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

May 14, 2011

Someone over in Hollywood must be reading my reviews, because they got rid of Selene and made a prequel all about Lucien.

That being said, Rise of the Lycans was still fucking boring. I was able to paint my toenails and load the dishwasher without really missing anything. There wasn’t much of a plot; Vampire enslaves werewolf, werewolf fucks the shit out of the vampire’s daughter, vampires fuck shit up and then werewolves fuck even more shit up.

I am intrigued by the concept of Werewolves that tunnel through the ground like gophers. Why??? That makes no fucking sense at all.

Why is it that Michael Sheen makes a smoking hot, long-haired werewolf, yet in real life, he looks like he drives a Diddler Van? It must be Hollywood magic and special effects.

I was largely indifferent to the exchange of Kate Beckinsale for Rhona Mitra. Rhona has better cheekbones, that’s about the only difference.

Underworld 4 is coming out in 2012…fourth time’s a charm…our planet may finally be free from insomnia for eternity.


Year – 2009
Rating – R
Runtime – 92 minutes
Genre – Vampires vs. Werewolves
Director(s) – Patrick Tatopoulos
Writer(s) – Danny McBride, Dirk Blackman
Actor(s) – Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra, Steven Mackintosh, Kevin Grevioux
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "Well do not be. I will not bite...much." - Lucian (Michael Sheen)