Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

 

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Gary Oldman just makes every film better, doesn’t he? I mean, Bram Stoker’s Dracula notwithstanding, he is AMAZING.

Is it totally out of line to say that I think Sirius Black is sexy? I think it’s just Gary Oldman with long hair and a goatee…even though he’s one of the best actors of our generation…he’s hardly ever – ok, mostly never – sexy. Mason Verger? No. Zorg? No. Beethoven? Maybe.

Let me settle down – this is a children’s film, after all.

I think my favorite part was when Hermione punched Draco in the face. To me, Hermione is a much more interesting character than Harry Potter. As a mudblood, she’s subject to just as much – if not more – bullying and hardship as Harry. Yes, sure, she’s got parents – but they’re fucking dentists. Snape fucking straight up ignores her – she knows all the answers and he harrasses Harry instead. She’s been turned into a cat (or dog). She’s been frozen. She solves the mystery of the pipes. She saves the day in this film. I’m just saying, Hermione Granger is the real hero here.

I can’t believe I missed Dobby.

This one is my favorite Harry Potter so far…but then again, I still have 5 films to go.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

 

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Chamber of Secrets? That’s what I used to call my vajayjay back in college…

Thank you folks, I’ll be here all night. My children absolutely appreciate any and all mentions of their former abode and entry into the world, so let’s give them a round of applause for pushing me to revisit Harry Potter and to make inappropriate vagina jokes. My son voraciously consumed Harry Potter books the second he could read. My daughter was slower to get hooked and in fact, only promised to read them if I read them. Challenge accepted!

I saw Sorcerer’s Stone shortly after it was released, but never sat down and intentionally watched the rest of the films. I am fairly certain I’ve seen them all in bits and pieces over the years though. Having just finished reading the second book, my daughter and I had a Friday Night double feature of the first two films…

My favorite part is when I say Her-Mee-Oh-Nee instead of Her-My-Oh-Nee – my daughter has an absolute shit fit about me not saying it right.

Dobby is so fucking annoying. He reminds me of our dog, always cowering and whimpering. I wonder if I give her a sock, she’ll fucking leave?

While watching the film, I told my daughter that Gilderoy Lockhart is a butthole. She said, “No, he’s another B-word, but I can’t say it.” “A bitch?” “Yeah. Can I say that?” “Uh, no.” At what age is appropriate to let a child call someone a “little bitch”?

So, I didn’t know that a Basilisk was a snake – I thought they were lizards. The only thing I know about Basilisks was from playing Magic in college, and they looked like big fucking iguanas. Wikipedia was not very helpful, as they also have chicken legs and a cock’s comb. The fuck?

A fun film, but I feel like it was really long. My daughter fell asleep halfway through, but I made it through both. Onward to the next one!

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

Doctor Strange

Dammit, I haven’t even finished my review of Deadpool yet.

My husband made us get up super early Sunday morning to catch the first showing of Dr. Strange. 3D gives him a headache, so we saw the XD version…big ass screen and vibrating leather recliners…I’m not gonna complain there. They should totally start showing porn in XD. There was a primo selection of trailers: Wonder Woman (Guess I should start watching the DCU movies), Logan (Set to Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt”, it looks amazing), a xXx sequel (Lily really wants to see this…I couldn’t tell why, but I’m interested because of Ruby Rose), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (Guess I should watch the first one, oops), Benedict Cumberbatch in “Hamlet” (one of those special event things), Rogue One and yet another Pirates of the Caribbean sequel (yawn).

I don’t know shit about Doctor Strange, but he is the only guy in the MCU who seems to be a bigger egotistical ass than Tony Stark. Not that that’s a bad thing. I have a lot of goodwill for Benedict Cumberbatch, mostly due to his recent stint hosting SNL. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen him in anything except 30 minutes of that Star Trek remake sequel. Oh! He was the voice of Smaug – does that count? His ears are ridiculously small for his head. I couldn’t stop looking at his ears, honestly.

I was far more interested in the villain than the hero this go-around. I was devastated when Hannibal was canceled, but on the bright side, it gives Mads Mikkelson plenty of time for villainy. My current goal is to recreate his eye makeup EXACTLY – he had a fierce smoky eye. Fiercer than The Winter Soldier! Sally and I are going to practice…

Rachel McAdams wasn’t annoying either! I don’t think I’ve seen here in anything ever – her oeuvre is not exactly my thing. I do think her character took things a bit too well – she should’ve been freaking out a bit more, don’t you think?

And I thought that Ant-Man was trippy as fuck – it doesn’t hold a candle to wherever the fuck the Ancient One sent Doctor Strange. That was a helluva trip.

Of course we stayed all the way through the credits to see the bonus scenes. I won’t spoil them, but what I did notice is that the very last note in the credits, right after the disclaimer about resemblance to real persons, living or dead – was a plea against texting and driving. Yes! All this could’ve been avoided if Stephen Strange could’ve left his goddamn phone alone! But was it social responsibility or a legal disclaimer in case some asshole claimed that he was emulating the mysterious Doctor Strange? Damn my cynicism.

I enjoyed the film, but I fear it doesn’t have the endless rewatchability of the other MCU entries. I’ll let you know once it hits cable.

Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone

The quote above has already come true – there isn’t a child alive who hasn’t heard of Harry Potter.

Really, it’s no wonder that that children have fallen in love with Harry Potter. Harry Potter’s rise to fame and fortune is every child’s fantasy. It couldn’t have been written better by a child psychologist. Every young child wishes that they could whisked away from their horrible parents and taken to a place where everyone understands them and nurtures their hidden talents. A place where everyone knows your name. Add in gobs of cash and a magic wand, for emergencies. And of course, excelling in sports is an added bonus. Harry Potter has it all!

As popular as the Harry Potter thing is, I have only just now seen the film and I still haven’t read any of the books – I am sure I will get around to it someday. I had to be coerced into watching it – it wasn’t that bad. I was vaguely entertained throughout the whole thing – mostly because of the special effects. I’d have to say that the special effects were some of the best that I have seen, up there with Lord of the Rings.

Familiarity may also explain the story’s popularity. The Harry Potter universe is a mish-mash of popular fantasy and science fiction of the last 100 years. Large doses of Roald Dahl (mostly James and the Giant Peach), Time Bandits and The Wizard of Oz, tossed in some Alice in Wonderland, with a dash of C.S. Lewis and a pinch of Star Wars make up the body of the story. I really didn’t spot much new territory around Hogwarts.

I don’t expect Daniel Radcliffe to get many job offers after his tenure as Harry Potter. He’s a decent enough actor, but he has been marked for life.

I knew that Monty Python alum would show up sooner or later – I was surprised that it was limited to John Cleese. Funny as he was as Nearly Headless Nick, he was wasted as a cameo. He should have had a role as a Professor at least.

One part did make me want to die – the part at the end when Dumbledore tells Harry about the love in his skin. That is just fucking LAME. I bitched and moaned about that scene for 15 minutes after the film was over, I was so pissed off!

All in all, an intelligent effort to entertain children. Passable at entertaining adults, but only if they are stuck on the couch after a large dinner of really good chicken roma spaghetti.