It’s not uncommon for me to think a movie sucks…in fact, most of the movies that I watch these days do suck a great deal. (Obviously, it’s easier to write about deeply flawed works geared towards the lowest common denominator…and more fun!) However, it is a bit rare for me to fucking hate a film as much as I fucking hated Baby Mama.

I am notorious for my hatred of Romantic Comedies. I concede that I should have expected at least a little romance in a film involving pregnancies. In fact, the Greg Kinnear subplot was the least offensive part of the plot…that’s not why I hated Baby Mama.

I was expecting a much raunchier film. Pregnancy and childbirth are fairly disgusting processes, ripe for humor. Tina Fey’s birthing class sketch from her recent SNL hosting gig comes to mind – why wasn’t that in Baby Mama instead? There was more raunch in that one sketch than in ALL of Baby Mama…but that’s not why I hated Baby Mama.

I fucking hate hippies and new age bullshit and organic food and auras and self-righteous Vegans and men with ponytails. Barry is the only character that made me laugh – Steve Martin was the one bright spot in the film…that’s not why I hated Baby Mama.

I HATE HATE HATE happy endings. Wait, let me clarify…I don’t hate ALL endings that are happy – a handjob is a great way to end a back massage. A metaphorical handjob is NOT the way to end a film. What is a metaphorical handjob, anyway? A metaphorical handjob is when the plot doesn’t just end peacefully, but when a film takes extra care to make sure every character ends up with a present, whether the plot dictates it or not…logic be damned. There were several different happy endings that Baby Mama could have had – Tina Fey could have bonded with her boyfriend’s daughter or adopted a child, realizing that she didn’t have to experience childbirth to love a child. She could have been happy co-parenting Stefani. She could have been happy with her REAL baby – her career. There was no fucking point and no lesson learned by her getting pregnant after being given a million to one chance of conceiving. THAT’S why I fucking hated Baby Mama.